Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

H arriet paced around the hallway outside the nursery.

“Your Grace, there is still some time for you to eat your breakfast,” Eliza pleaded. She had been watching the duchess nervously pacing the same patch of carpet for the last hour.

“I cannot even think of food right now, let alone stomach an appetite for it,” Harriet responded dismissively. “When is the nursemaid due to arrive?”

“It should be any moment now, Your Grace. Her arrival was scheduled before noon, and she was to leave her residence at the crack of dawn to ensure her timely arrival”

“Make sure that you note her exact time of arrival,” Harriet instructed. “We do not want her to be tardy. That should be a consideration in the hiring process.”

“As you wish, Your Grace.”

“And one more thing…” Harriet bit down on her lip, “If the duke asks you if I have eaten this morning, let him know that I took my breakfast in my room.”

Listening to the duke lecture her about well-being was the last thing that she had wanted this morning. The lack of appetite was something that she had little control over — whenever she felt nervous, it was the first thing to disappear.

As noon drew nearer, Harriet moved towards the window to gaze out at the expansive gardens below.

The arrival of the nursemaid was imminent, and despite her initial reluctance, she found herself feeling a mix of anticipation and anxiety.

“Esther had high praise for her,” she reminded herself. “That means a great deal. I should dispel my doubts.”

But even so, Harriet couldn’t help but wonder if anyone could truly be trusted with the care of Cathy, especially given the circumstances.

She heard the sound of a carriage approaching and turned to see Eliza rushing towards her.

“Your Grace, the nursemaid has arrived.” Eliza announced, her voice tinged with the same curiosity that Harriet felt. “Shall I bring her up?”

Harriet nodded, smoothing the folds of her gown and attempting to quell the unease that had settled in her chest. “Yes, please do.”

Eliza left the room, and Harriet took a deep breath, reminding herself that this was for the best.

She needed help with Cathy, and if Esther had sent this woman, then she was likely trustworthy. Still, the uncertainty lingered, making her feel on edge.

A few minutes later, Eliza returned, ushering in the nursemaid. Harriet turned to greet her, and she was….

Not quite what Harriet had in mind.

In fact, she was nothing like she had been imagining.

Harriet turned to look at Eliza, passing her a quizzical look as if to say, ‘is this the right person?’

“Here she is, Your Grace. The nursemaid,” Eliza confirmed.

Harriet nodded, still in a state of disbelief. The nursemaid was younger than she had expected — perhaps only a few years older than Harriet herself.

How will she know anything about children?

She had a youthfulness to her, still. A kind face, framed by soft brown curls, and her demeanor was calm and self-assured.

“Your Grace, ” the nursemaid said with a polite curtsy, her voice gentle but confident. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I am Miss Agnes Bart.”

Harriet straightened her back, and cleared her throat.

“Thank you for coming on such short notice, Miss Bart, ” Harriet managed to offer a small smile. “I appreciate your willingness to assist us. ”

Agnes straightened, her eyes meeting Harriet’s with a sense of quiet understanding.

“It is my honor, Your Grace. When I heard about your situation, I made it my first priority to travel to you, even though your residence is quite a distance from mine.”

Harriet pressed her lips together, and the nursemaid continued.

“I understand that caring for a child can be overwhelming for anyone, and I am here to help in any way I can.”

The woman had a… reassuring presence. That much was clear, even though they had not spoken at length yet. That was a promising early sign, Harriet thought to herself.

“Thank you. I must admit, I was unsure about bringing someone new into the household, but my sister spoke highly of you. ”

Agnes’s smile was warm, and Harriet couldn’t help but feel a growing sense of trust toward her.

“Ah, yes. Duchess Esther. Your sister is very kind. I assure you that you are in safe hands with me. Little Catherine will be shown the best care possible.”

The mention of Cathy’s name brought a subtle shift in the conversation, and Harriet hesitated, her thoughts racing.

“You already know her name?”

“You must forgive me, of course, if this has been an intrusion, Your Grace. I came to know of her name through your older sister, who wrote to me as well.”

Harriet had not known that Esther had also written on her behalf. What surprised her more though was the fact that it did not irk her, despite having told Esther to keep the news to herself.

Clearly, Esther must have found the woman to be trustworthy enough if she wrote to her.

“What did my sister tell you, exactly?”

Agnes quickly straightened up. “Well, she did not reveal much. Only that you are her youngest sister, and it has been a year to your marriage. And that you need assistance to take care of baby Catherine.”

“Oh,” Harriet admitted. So she does not know anything that she ought not to.

Yet.

“How old is the baby, Your Grace? I assume that she should be no more than a few weeks, given your recent marriage.”

Harriet felt her cheeks heat up. “She is around a year old.”

Agnes’s eyes widened for a second, but she quickly composed herself. “I see. She is older than I was expecting her to be.”

Harriet knew that saying this out loud could subject her to the worst possible form of scandal.

A child out of wedlock? What sort of respectable woman does that?

In most cases, the nursemaid would have declined to work with such a person. Perhaps that was why Harriet said it, as well.

It was a test.

And so far, Agnes was passing it with flying colors. Nothing in her demeanor changed to indicate an exaggerated scorn. If anything, she seemed to appear even more understanding than before.

“But there is no need for you to worry, Your Grace,” Agnes continued, hands folded in front of her. “I have experience with all ages. You should rest easy now that I am here.”

Harriet nodded, “Would you like to meet her?”

Upon Agnes’s approval, Harriet led her to the nursery. Catherine was sleeping softly — her afternoon nap.

“We must be quiet,” Harriet instructed in a hushed tone. “She is a very light sleeper.”

Agnes nodded, and tiptoed over to the cradle. Her movements were as light as a feather. She stood over it for a few moments, her face lighting up.

She did not overstay her welcome either. As quickly as she had walked over, she came back, and both ladies exited the nursery, now finally at liberty to speak in a normal tone.

“I am quite impressed, Miss Bart,” Harriet nodded earnestly. “You are one of the few people that did not wake her up.”

“As I said before, Your Grace, I am experienced in taking care of children. It is a craft that I have nearly perfected over the years.”

Further down the hallway, Harriet could see Mrs Alridge and some of the maids lurking around.

“Come to my room,” Harriet suggested, wanting more privacy. “I should like to continue this discussion over there.”

“As you wish, Your Grace.”

Harriet felt a weight press down on her as she closed the doors behind her.

“Would you like to have something to drink?” Harriet asked.

Agnes fought back a smile. “I am quite fine, thank you, Your Grace.”

Of course. A true professional. It would not be sound of her to drink on the job.

But whether she had asked the question to test her, or to use it as an excuse to calm her own nerves was not certain.

“Please, make yourself comfortable,” Harriet pointed to the sofa, but Agnes waited until Harriet herself was seated to follow her lead.

“Are there any more questions that you would like to ask me, Your Grace?”

Harriet opened her mouth to speak, feeling the weight of her secret pressing down on her.

“Tell me more about yourself,” she decided to start off in a light hearted manner. “What made you decide to be a nursemaid? That, too, so young.”

“It was an easy decision for me, Your Grace. I do not have any brothers, only five sisters of whom I am the eldest. My mother passed when we were children, and we had been left in the care of my grandparents since,” she admitted. “I had always assumed a motherly responsibility as the oldest, and when it came time for me to use that as a means to earn for my family, I took the opportunity.”

Harriet nodded, impressed. “And you have many years of experience already?”

“That is correct. I started much earlier than most.”

That made Harriet feel at ease. She did feel a bit wary about the age issue — but had received confirmation that it was not a big problem at all.

Now to deal with the other… matter.

Agnes seemed to sense Harriet’s hesitation and spoke softly, “If there is anything you wish to discuss, Your Grace, I am here to listen. My duty is to care for Catherine, but I am also here to support you in any way you need.”

Harriet glanced toward the door, as if seeking reassurance that they were truly alone. She then looked back at Agnes weighing her options.

This woman had been sent by Esther, someone Harriet trusted wholeheartedly.

“Miss Bart,” Harriet began, her voice tinged with uncertainty, “there is one important question I must ask you before we are to proceed with any formalities.”

“Please do, Your Grace.”

“When I told you that…” Harriet clicked her tongue, “that the baby was already a few months old, yet you know that my marriage had happened a year ago. What did you think then?”

Agnes looked taken aback by the question, but still proceeded to answer it with grace.

“It is none of my concern, Your Grace. That is a private matter between you and your husband. My responsibilities are only limited to the care of Catherine.”

Harriet nodded, feeling encouraged to share more.

“Well, Agnes — may I call you that?”

“Please, Your Grace. I quite prefer it to Miss Bart.”

“Very well. Agnes… there is something you should know. Something that I haven’t shared with many people.”

Agnes’s expression remained calm, her eyes encouraging Harriet to continue. “Whatever it is, Your Grace, you can trust me.”

Harriet took a deep breath, steeling herself for what she was about to reveal. “Cathy… Cathy is not my child.”

Once again, her eyes widened slightly, but she quickly composed herself, nodding for Harriet to continue.

“She was left on our doorstep, and I’ve been caring for her ever since,” Harriet explained. “But she is not mine by birth. My husband and I… we don’t have any children of our own.”

The nursemaid absorbed this information with a thoughtful expression, her gaze never leaving Harriet’s face. “That must have been a difficult decision to make, taking in a child who is not your own.”

“It was,” Harriet admitted. “But I couldn’t turn her away. She needed someone to care for her, and… well, I suppose I needed her, too.”

Agnes nodded slowly, her understanding evident. “It sounds as though you’ve grown quite attached to her.”

“I have. She’s become such an important part of my life… but in many ways, I feel so uncertain.”

Harriet surprised herself at her own admission. She had not intended to bare her heart to someone who she had only just met — but something about Agnes made it easy to.

“From what I can see, Your Grace, you have done a tremendous job. Not many would do the same as you have.”

Harriet felt a pang of gratitude at the nursemaid’s words. As much as she tried to be strong, to maintain her composure, there was a part of her that longed for the support and companionship that she had lost when Simon had distanced himself from her.

“I…”

Harriet hesitated, the words on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t bring herself to say them. She had always prided herself on her independence, on her ability to handle whatever life threw her way. But now, standing here with Agnes, she felt a vulnerability she hadn’t allowed herself to acknowledge.

“I… I always valued my freedom,” Harriet said again slowly, choosing her words carefully. “But I never expected to feel so… alone.”

Agnes remained silent — which Harriet appreciated.

“Simon and I were married out of necessity, not love,” Harriet continued, her voice growing steadier as she spoke. “As a consequence, our marriage was one predated on distance. He lived away from me.”

Something in Agnes’s expression shifted. But it was not pity — it was more of an accepting warmth.

“But even so, I never imagined he would abandon me so completely. I wanted to make this marriage work, even if it wasn’t what either of us had planned. But when he left…..”

“You felt as though you had lost any chance of that?” Agnes completed the sentence.

“Yes.”

Harriet had never voiced these feelings before, had never allowed herself to fully confront the depth of her hurt and frustration. But now, with Agnes listening patiently, she felt a sense of relief in finally speaking the truth.

Harriet looked away, her gaze shifting to the window as she tried to compose herself. She didn’t want to cry in front of her, didn’t want to show just how deeply Simon’s absence had affected her. But the tears threatened to spill over, and she quickly wiped them away with the back of her hand.

Once more, Agnes remained quiet, allowing Harriet the space to gather her thoughts. It was a kindness Harriet hadn’t expected, and it made her feel even more at ease in the nursemaid’s presence.

“I don’t understand why he left,” Harriet said after a moment, her voice barely above a whisper. “He said it was to give me the freedom I wanted, but I didn’t ask for this kind of freedom. I didn’t ask to be left alone.”

Her expression softened with empathy. “Perhaps he didn’t know how else to give you what he thought you needed.”

Harriet considered this, her mind racing with the possibilities. “Maybe,” she murmured, “but it doesn’t change the fact that I felt abandoned. And I hated him for it.”

She hadn’t meant to say that last part, hadn’t meant to let that raw emotion slip out, but once it was spoken, she couldn’t take it back. The anger, the resentment she had bottled up for so long, had finally found a voice.

Agnes didn’t flinch at the harshness of Harriet’s words. Instead, she nodded slowly, as if understanding exactly where Harriet was coming from.

“It’s only natural to feel that way, Your Grace. You were left to navigate a difficult situation on your own, and that can lead to feelings of anger and betrayal.”

Harriet appreciated her candour, but there was still so much she didn’t understand — so much that Simon had left unsaid.

“He told me that he never wanted this marriage,” Harriet confessed, the words feeling heavy on her tongue. “He said he only married me out of duty, that he had no intention of actually being my husband.”

The memory of Simon’s confession from the other day made Harriet’s heart ache. She had always known it, of course, but hearing it was adding further injury.

Agnes’s eyes widened slightly at Harriet’s revelation, but she quickly masked her surprise. “That must have been difficult to hear.”

“It was,” Harriet admitted, her voice trembling slightly.

Agnes looked at Harriet with a mixture of sympathy and understanding. “Perhaps he left because he didn’t know how to face his own feelings. Men, especially those in positions of power, often find it difficult to confront emotions they don’t fully understand.”

Harriet thought about this, her mind replaying the conversations she had had with Simon since his return. He had been distant, yes, but there had been moments — brief, fleeting moments — when she had glimpsed something deeper, something more vulnerable beneath his composed exterior.

“I don’t know what to think anymore,” Harriet said, her voice laced with uncertainty. “Part of me wants to confront him, to demand answers. But another part of me is afraid of what I might hear.”

Agnes nodded, her expression thoughtful. “It’s understandable to feel that way. But perhaps the answers you seek will only come if you’re willing to ask the difficult questions.”

Harriet sighed, feeling the weight of her words. She knew the nursemaid was right — if she wanted to understand Simon, she would have to confront him, to push past the walls he had built around himself.

As Harriet wrestled with these thoughts, a faint noise from outside the door caught her attention.

She tensed, her eyes narrowing as she turned toward the sound. For a moment, she thought she had heard someone outside, perhaps listening in on their conversation.

“Did you hear that?” Harriet asked, immediately alert.

Agnes glanced toward the door, her expression curious but unconcerned. “I didn’t hear anything, Your Grace.”

Harriet frowned, her unease growing. She rose from her seat and moved toward the door, opening it slightly to peer into the hallway. But there was no one there, only the quiet stillness of the house.

Perhaps I have started to hear things.

She closed the door, trying to shake off the feeling of unease. Perhaps it was nothing — just the creaking of the old manor, or the wind rustling through the corridors.

Harriet returned to her seat, her mind still troubled by the possibility that someone might have overheard their conversation.

Looking at Agnes, she knew that their conversation had to draw to a close now.

“Thank you for listening, Miss Bart,” Harriet said, her voice more steady now. “I didn’t mean to burden you with my troubles, but it helps to talk about it.”

Agnes smiled kindly, her expression full of warmth. “It’s no burden, Your Grace. I’m here to help, in whatever way you need.”

She hadn’t expected to confide in Agnes but now that she had, she felt a sense of relief, as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

Perhaps she was what she needed all along.

On the other side, Simon had been standing just outside the door during her conversation with Agnes. He had come to check on the nursemaid’s arrival, intending to make sure that everything was going smoothly. But when he had heard Harriet’s voice, something had made him pause.

He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop, but the moment he heard Harriet mention Cathy, he found himself rooted to the spot, unable to walk away.

What he ended up discovering, however, had changed everything for him.

He had known that Harriet was upset with him for leaving, but he hadn’t realized just how deeply his actions had hurt her. Hearing her admit that she had hated him for abandoning her was like a punch to the gut — a realization that he had failed her in a way he hadn’t fully understood.

But what struck him even more was her confession that she had wanted him around. She had wanted to make the marriage work, despite the circumstances that had brought them together.

She wanted us to live like a real husband and wife?

Simon was good at reading people, and he had never gotten any semblance of that from her. Which only must mean that Harriet was an expert at hiding her true feelings.

What else has she hidden away inside her?

The curiosity bubbled inside him, and he once again pressed his ear to door to excavate more information. But as he did, he stumbled a bit.

“ Did you hear that?”

That was his cue to leave. Simon turned to his heel, quickly dashing away before anyone knew the wiser.

But as he made his departure, he felt a mixture of guilt and regret. He had thought that by staying away, he was giving Harriet the freedom she desired. But in doing so, he had only made her feel more isolated, more alone.