CHAPTER 35

No one refused me as I pushed a cot up beside the one Duncan’s body rested on.

I hoped the sickening screech of wood against the stone floor would’ve woken him. It didn’t. Nor did the slight thump as the cots bumped together. Without discarding my dirtied boots, I climbed on and curled my body beside his. I lay with my knees tucked up to my chest and sobbed.

My breathing was erratic. Tears scored down my cheeks, their presence leaving wet scars and turning my skin sticky. I felt the feather-down pillow dampen beneath my face. No matter how loud I cried or how my desperate fingers took hold of Duncan’s stiff hand, he didn’t wake up.

If not for the faint yet persistent flutter of his heart, which danced beneath his skin, I would have believed he was dead. Regardless of what the healers said – what Elinor Oakstorm confirmed with her own magic – Duncan was so still that it was hard to believe he still lived.

Whatever state he was in was no better than death. I’d lost him, and it was all my fault.

The gauze that’d been bound tightly around his midriff had already stained. It hadn’t even been an hour since it was last cleaned and redressed, and already blood forged its way to freedom.

The wound across his abdomen refused to heal. Long gouge marks that had dug so deep muscles and bone had been exposed. I’d not seen it myself, choosing ignorant bliss over torturing myself, but Elinor had described the three long tracks like something had scored Duncan’s stomach.

Two days. It had been two days since the keys were destroyed and Erix and Duncan had returned from the other side. Two days, yet the improvement to Duncan’s situation was minimal. If Elinor Oakstorm hadn’t arrived the night prior to Rinholm, I was confident we would have lost him. I would have lost him, for good this time.

“Duncan,” I exhaled his name, defeated. “Wake up. Please, I can’t face this future without you.”

I watched the dark brush of his eyelashes for movement. Nothing . His lips didn’t twitch, nor did his jaw tense. I dared not blink in case I missed a sign that he could hear me. Only when my eyes stung did I pinch them closed, burying my face into the cold skin of his shoulder.

“There is so much I wish to say to you, so many things I need to hear you reply. Please… just… fight this. For me. Come back so I can tell you how sorry I am. This is my doing. My fault. Don’t you dare leave me until… until you get the chance to punish me. Just don’t leave me.”

What little control I had over my breathing was gone as quickly as it came.

Duncan wasn’t kept with the injured fey. With the help of Elinor, a makeshift camp had been erected within Rinholm Castle’s grounds for the rest of those needing help. Elinor had brought as many healers as she could from Oakstorm, even confirming more were on their way. Aldrick had hurt Elmdew and its people greatly in the short time since he had invaded, and many had not made it to see this day.

I couldn’t help but see them as the lucky ones.

Like beetles, her healers scuttled around the camp day and night. It seemed the list of Aldrick’s victims was never-ending. Every hour, more and more fey had been rescued from camps across Elmdew’s lands. In droves, they were brought to Rinholm to be cared for. Even the dead, and there were many, had not been left behind in the terrible conditions they were found in. Pens and cages that even the most feral of animals would not be put within.

I hadn’t been allowed to see them for myself. Not allowed out of these walls. And I understood why.

I wasn’t trusted.

Rafaela was dealt the same judgement. The stone of these walls were no different to shackles bound around wrists and ankles.

We were not trustworthy because of what our actions caused. And I didn’t blame the brief sideways glances Gyah had provided me or how Althea had kept her distance from me in the days that passed.

As Elinor had reiterated, with a look that blended pity and disappointment, it wasn’t that I sacrificed the Icethorn key that was the problem. It was that I didn’t give Althea the chance to make the choice for herself. It was her right as a Cedarfall to claim that power, and I’d taken it from her. Regardless if she knew it was the right choice, it was hers to make, not mine.

And there was no denying that the destruction of the keys was the right decision, but the manner in which it was conducted was nothing but wrong. I was wrong. And the man beside me, whose shoulder was coated with my tears, had paid the price for my betrayal.

A wave of sickness bore over me. I clutched my empty stomach at the pain that coiled and twisted as though a serpent had taken residency in the place the Icethorn key once had.

“Jesibel is healing well.” I spoke the words for the first time since the news had reached me. It was what drew me to Duncan. Selfishly, I required comfort even if I didn’t deserve it. “She isn’t speaking, but at least she is eating and sleeping, although the latter is only in short bursts.”

I swallowed the urge to vomit. Even lying down, I felt the world tilt violently. “Whatever Aldrick did to her… it has affected her more deeply. No healer is able to fix the wounds that linger in her mind. Only time will tell if she will survive those…”

I’d been almost confident that Jesibel no longer had a tongue, considering she refused to talk. But after examination, her choice to not speak was her own. Elinor believed it was because she’d been used against her will to give our information to Aldrick – she’d likely wanted nothing more than to refuse him, and now that desire had caused her to not speak at all.

Of course, it was speculation, but there was no denying that she was hurt. One look in her eyes and it was as if Jesibel wasn’t truly with us.

“Everything I’ve done was to save her, and I couldn’t even do that. She is alive, but not with me. Like you. I hate myself for not working harder to free her. Instead, Aldrick used her against me, and she’ll likely never recover from it. If I had not fixated on freeing Jesibel, perhaps Kayne would never have known her name. He would never have exposed my weakness to Aldrick. She… she would be happily returning to Icethorn with the hope of a future…” I took a deep breath in, mind falling to what I’d learned yesterday. “Althea gave her the second vial of Mariflora because Jesibel refused to leave Rinholm. That’s how she distracted Aldrick enough for Althea to finish him. But… I saw her whisper something into his ear, so I knew there is still hope yet that she will find it in her to talk to me.”

Familiar silence drew out in the moments after my exasperated monologue. Only the feather-soft breathing of Duncan responded. It was both enough and not. I needed to hear him tell me it was going to be okay. To remind me of what we had achieved. It was his opinion that I desired the most. Even if he looked at me with the same disdain and blame as Althea or plainly ignored me like Gyah, at least I would know.

It was the not knowing that ate me up from the inside – sinew, gristle and all.

Most of all, I wanted to know what happened to him when he disappeared through the gate. Getting answers out of Erix was wasted when he treated me with the same frosty emotion whilst still acting as my guard. He’d become a second shadow, hardly leaving me for a minute since he had saved Duncan, and yet barely being able to look at me.

It was strange how Erix could be so close, yet so far.

Erix had little to say about what happened when he dove in after Duncan through the portal into Duwar’s realm. All he revealed was that it was a dark and quiet place. One moment they were buried in it, the next, they had returned.

I knew there was more to it. But every time Erix was pressed for more information, his silver eyes would dart away to someplace else. His gaze shifting as though his consciousness slipped back into Duwar’s realm and the secrets he harboured from it.

If I had the energy, I would’ve demanded the truth. But who was I to force such things out of people when I had become the greatest liar of all time?

It was my lies that had torn us all apart – and saved the realms.

A steep price to pay, but I held onto the knowledge that it was the right thing.

I’d saved the world, but destroyed mine in the process.

Night had fallen over Rinholm when a knock rapped on the door, waking me from my light slumber.

My voice cracked as I replied. “Come in.”

There was the screech of the door followed by a soft thud as it hit the wall behind it.

I looked up, eyes heavy with sorrow and exhaustion, to find Erix standing in the doorway.

“I have been asked to escort you to the meeting.” Erix’s voice was distant. Emotionless. I hated it.

“Let them wait,” I replied, turning my focus back to Duncan, searching for signs that he’d improved in the time I’d been asleep next to him. There was nothing to see besides the sheen of sweat clinging to his forehead.

“They have been waiting, for two hours, in fact. Althea postponed the requirement for your presence for as long as she could,” Erix said. “I recommend you come so you can get it over with, and return back to him .”

My chest shivered with the thought of Althea doing something for my benefit. I wouldn’t let myself believe she did so because she cared. It would hurt less to believe in such things.

“I can’t leave him,” I mumbled, brushing my fingers over the soft rise and fall of Duncan’s broad chest. “What if Duncan wakes when I am gone? I can’t bear the thought of it.”

We both knew it wouldn’t happen, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t hope.

I had yet to look at Erix, but his lack of footfall suggested he had not stepped any further into the room than a single pace. If I glanced up, would I have seen pain painted across his face? Would he attempt to hide the way his gaze always flickered uncomfortably between Duncan and me?

“Let the healers return so they can care for him. Duncan will not be alone, I vow it. The moment the council meeting has concluded, I will bring you back to him.”

I longed to refuse him, but I had no fight left in me.

My body creaked in tandem with the cot as I shifted to standing. The side of my body ached from lying in the same position since I’d arrived. Across my cheek, I felt the imprint of the sheets like fresh scars on my skin. These would fade, unlike the ones deep inside of me. Those scars were there to stay.

I silently bid Duncan farewell. Once I had my back to him, I had to ignore the violent urge to turn and clamber back on the cot at his side. Every step out of the room was harder to take than the one before it.

Erix watched me pace toward him with stifling intent. His nail-tipped hands were clasped together at his front, his wings shifting awkwardly in the Cedarfall uniform, which had been re-tailored to fit around his newly altered frame. Besides the thin-membraned wings, the grey tint discolouring his skin, and the points of his canines slightly overlapping his lower lip, he looked more the part of my personal guard than the gryvern, which made up half of him.

Maybe Eroan had painted a glamour across Erix. He would’ve had time after he tore the glamour from me, removing Kayne’s mask for good. Eroan had the power to hide, or at least dilute , the gryvern within Erix. Or maybe I just saw him differently. In a new light, one not painted through a haze of hate or disdain for him.

“Shall we?” I gestured to the open door his body blocked. “I wouldn’t want to keep them waiting. There is no need to give them more reasons to hate me.”

Erix paused. Hesitation lingered in his stiffened posture. I waited for him to move out of the way. Instead, he looked down the point of his nose at me. Steel-silver eyes so wide they seemed to drink me in. “Are you okay, little bird?”

His question caught me off guard. I wanted to laugh because, of course, the answer was plainly clear. But I betrayed my control with my reaction.

“No, actually,” I spluttered, pushing myself into his chest until my face was buried in the warmth of his torso. Erix drew his hands apart, in surprise or disgust, I couldn’t tell. “I’m not.”

Pinching my eyes closed, I inhaled Erix. His scent filled my nose and throat like heavy smoke. I felt stupid, cocooning myself into him when Erix refused to touch me in return. After everything, all the hate and regret, I wished he would just hold me. I wanted him to provide me comfort. Comfort which once lingered in his arms. Comfort he would have willingly given me before everything.

Before Doran, before Aldrick.

And before Duncan.

I didn’t pull away for fear he would see the embarrassment stain my cheeks and neck scarlet. Just as I built the courage, two arms fell around me. Like an exhale of relief, wings followed, folding around my body and holding me upright.

“You are going to be fine, I promise.” Erix’s words were nearly unintelligible as he spoke them into my mess of black hair.

“How can you promise such things?” I allowed the tears to come once again. If it made me weak, then I was the most brittle of them all. And I didn’t care if I held such a title. I deserved it.

“It is my duty, as your guard, to make promises others would deem impossible to keep.”

Erix felt my change in posture. He freed me. I pulled back from him, almost stumbling back if his hand did not take mine to steady me.

“You know you could leave now,” I said firmly. “There is no need for me to have a personal guard. I lost the one thing which gave me my title. You may think you are fulfilling a duty, but Althea won’t force this on you. I’m sure there are more deserving–”

“Robin, that is enough.”

I choked back on my words.

“I take my vows seriously. My bond is final. I protect you . It is what I desire and what I will stop at nothing to ensure. Regardless of what you say, how you act, you cannot push me away. I will not allow it.” He traced a finger down my cheek, making me suck in a breath. “My duty and pleasure. Remember that.”

“What are you going to protect me from now?” I asked, finding it difficult to hold his intense gaze. “Myself? It seems it is my decisions, actions and lies that cause more damage than anything else. Aldrick is dead, Duwar is locked away forever, the world has the peace it deserves. You deserve to find your peace, too, Erix.”

Erix’s stare left mine for the first time. It was brief, but his attention flickered to Duncan. His expression set in a grimace. When his eyes snapped back to me, all evidence of his emotion was gone. “I found it already, little bird.”

Before I could question his reply, he stood to the side and gestured me to walk. “Before Althea comes looking for you herself, perhaps we go to them.”

I was glad for the change of topic, although his final words haunted me.

“This conversation is going to be painful,” I said. “Isn’t it?”

“Like pulling a thorn from your foot. Once the task is dealt with, you will soon forget it and move on. I speak on all your behalfs, but you each cannot hide from one another.”

“Althea hates me, and I don’t blame her.”

“And has she told you this herself? Because I hardly imagine Althea could ever hate you. Dislike, perhaps. However, an apology can be the greatest gift. It can heal rifts. It is the starting block of building trust. Believe me, I would know.”

I forced a smile, thankful to have him at my back. Thankful to have him with me in any capacity.

“Erix?” I asked, voice pitching at the end of his name.

He exhaled. “Yes?”

I screwed my eyes at him, and his lips curled back into a toothy grin. Something warmed low down in my stomach. “When you are ready, will you tell me what happened?”

At once, his smile faded. Erix didn’t need me to further explain what I was asking. He knew. As before, I expected him to refuse me. To tell me nothing had happened inside of the gate or for him to repeat the same muted story he’d already said, the one lacking details.

Something had happened during the short time Duncan and Erix had entered Duwar’s realm. I remembered Erix’s palpable shock even now, days later. When he looked at me, his eyes seemed to cut straight through me as though I wasn’t there. Duncan was unconscious in his arms. Erix hadn’t reacted when I shouted his name, he didn’t even seem to notice when I waved my hand before his lost, all-seeing eyes.

Terror. I recognised it in his gaze.

Whatever had happened, Erix had come back in a state of shock and Duncan was gravely hurt. I didn’t believe Duncan had hurt himself by the fall, which Erix had suggested was the cause.

But I hadn’t pushed because it wasn’t the right thing to do. There were far more important matters deserving of my focus. Especially now that Duwar’s fate had been sealed for all eternity with the destruction of three out of the four of Altar’s keys.

Erix gazed ahead, the burning sconces on the wall reflecting haunting light across the sharp lines of his face. The turmoil drew his expression into something unrecognisable. “If I am honest, Robin, I hope I never need to tell you what I saw.”

My heart thumped in my throat. There was something in his reaction that called for my ice to crackle around the tips of my fingers. It was as though the power, beaten and tired like a hound cowering in its cage, finally felt the need to protect me.

A familiar lost expression riddled with terror shadowed Erix’s face. I felt his refusal to look at me now as though it would stop me from seeing his horror plastered, as plain as day, across his face.

“But the information could help–”

“Please, do not ask me again,” Erix snapped, his tone exasperated. “I… I am not ready.”

I swallowed hard, forcing the calloused lump back down into the pit of my stomach, where it seeded and spread its roots of anxiety. Only when I brushed the back of my fingers against Erix’s did he seem to snap out of the trance he found himself lost within. I was relieved when he looked back at me. Except, he made no attempt to smile.

“Whatever it was, whatever happened there… it is over,” I said. “The gate has been sealed, and the only way to open it again has been removed from play. Nothing can harm you, or anyone else again.”

Erix straightened, his fists tensing at his side. “I am not a pious man, little bird. But even I pray you are right.”