30. Confessions

Aloud knock on my bedroom door startles me awake. The first hints of dawn are barely visible in the night sky, and I pat down my chest, my heart hammering.

I'm in Demeter, wearing my usual nightgown—not having a midnight picnic with One in endless corn fields. What a dream… Yet, I know he was really there. If I could only get him to share his secrets, I'm sure there'd be a way for us to move forward together.

The loud knocking sounds again, and this time, I'm conscious enough to react. "Who's there?"

"The king has asked to see you, princess. Please get dressed and come with us."

"Now?" I inquire at the closed door, wondering what in the Mother's name could be going on for Father to fetch me at this hour. Nothing good, I'm sure.

"Yes. Now," the guard says plainly, clearly used to people following orders without question.

The middle of the night would be the perfect time to punish me to his heart's content without an audience.

I shudder in the dark as I put on a heavy robe and greet the two men waiting by the door with a serious nod. "Take me to him."

Father is waiting for me in his sitting room, and I offer him a small curtsy as I wait for our audience to leave. Gloomy fog sticks to the stained glass of the large checkered windows, and the wax of the candles has run over the rim of the chandeliers. He's been in here all night, and judging by the number of empty bottles on the table, he's drunk.

"Here I was, catching up on my duties, when I found this." He waves a letter at me. The thick wax seal is already broken.

"What is it?" I ask calmly.

The dark tremble of his voice makes me quake. "It's a letter from the Duke, inviting me to his son Isaac"s engagement party."

My breath catches, and I bite down on my bottom lip not to grimace. "Engagement? To whom?"

"Abigail Strauss." His bushy brows pull together in a line that spells ultimate trouble, his grip loose on the brass cup. "What did you do?"

Tears prickle my eyes. Isaac is engaged? How? When? But no matter how slighted I feel by the revelation, it's the least of my problems.

"What did you do?" he repeats, venomous.

Doesn't he remember that he refused Isaac's proposal, too? I couldn't possibly have said yes, and yet he's acting like it's all my fault.

"I had to refuse Isaac's offer of marriage." I keep an even, congenial tone, my gaze not rising past his chest to create the perfect picture of a meek and dutiful daughter. "But I never?—"

"You're soiled, aren't you?" he spits out, the word bitter and all-consuming.

I blink, desperately holding on to my princess mask to hide all the rage simmering just beneath the surface. I know better than to argue with him when he's in this state, and I keep my gaze glued to the ground. If only I was anywhere but here.

"You let that disgusting Fae bed you."

My gaze snaps up, my thoughts of corn fields and soft lips erased by the disgust in his voice. He's my father and king, but right now, he's nothing more than a drunk who let his guilt and fear take over his rational mind.

"No!" I declare with as much indignation as I can muster.

He considers me for a moment, his glassy eyes distant and cold. "From now on, you shall remain in your room, and your sister will not visit you. Esme will bring you food, and you can bathe at night, when your sister is sleeping."

Oh no… When I imagined all the ways he could punish me for my bravado, I thought of everything but this, and I fail to mask the biggest wince.

"It was a mistake to let you influence her. I should have separated you two the moment you left."

The ball of saliva in my throat burns with grievances, but I hold on tight. "It's not what mother would have wanted?—"

"Don't argue with me. You're lucky I don't send you away altogether. I should have never agreed to that bet."

It's not the first time he says it, but I"m finally brave enough to answer, "Don't you realize how I feel when you say that? If you hadn't made the deal, I would never have been born."

His eyes flash with something worse than hatred. "Yes, and it would have spared me a lot of grief." He waves me off to my room, refilling his cup, and I put one foot in front of the other on my way out of the room.

Now that my worst nightmare has become reality, what am I supposed to do? Count down the minutes until I break the rules and sneak into her room? Even if he locks the door from the outside, I still have the window…

Or I could go back to Faerie and visit Cece's dreams?

A dangerous thought crosses my mind.

Why wait?

If I'm supposed to remain locked inside my room for the next four days, what's stopping me from going back to Faerie early?

Instead of threading back upstairs, I wrap myself in a cloak of shadows and run for the basement with my mask safely tucked in my skirts.

Once there, I press it to my face and grab the quill and ink I left down here. Sweat gathers above my brow as I draw the runes for "Fae" and "Faerie" on my lower arm, but in my haste, I fudge the "Faerie" rune slightly at the edge.

The icy depths of the sceawere swallow me whole, and I take a minute to find my footing in the maze of glass. The distortion of a hundred peephole views of the castles, both here and in Faerie, blur together.

I feel colder than I've ever felt, the tips of my fingers numb as I tear through the moonlit reflection of the trainee's balcony and fall to my hands on the paved stones.

The Hawthorn's leaves are still as a corpse, the fall evening crisp and silent.

"Nell! Nell, are you alright?" Lori's voice pierces the night. She jumps to her feet and runs up to me, wearing her huntress uniform and stretchy gloves. She kneels beside me, and her eyes buzz around the quiet balcony like she expects to find nightmares on my tail.

Trembling like I've been blown in by a storm, I shift to my knees. "Oh, Lori…"

A few pieces of rock dig into my palm, and I bring them closer to my chest as Lori wraps both arms around me. "What happened?"

I hide my face in her lap, and a few strangled cries rock my body. "Isaac decided to marry someone else, and somehow my father blames me. He thinks that I'm ruined. Soiled. That's what he called it. That's how he thinks of me now."

The panic I barely held in back home quakes through me, one bitter wave at a time, and Lori tightens her hold around me. "Oh, Nell… I'm so sorry. It's not true. It's horseshit, like you'd say. Look at me."

I force the sniffles to taper off and meet her gaze.

"Am I worth any less because I've had sex with a man?"

I'm not surprised by the admission. I've realized by now that her world holds almost no shame in sex. "Of course not."

She nods at my answer. "Of course not. And the same goes for you, Old World. No matter if you've had sex or not, you're still you. It doesn't change a thing. You are kind and smart and a total badass with a crossbow, and you better believe that has got nothing to do with any man"s penis."

Her tirade coaxes a teary laugh out of me. "If only that was true in my world, but my father doesn't want me to come near my sister anymore. He thinks I'm going to corrupt her." My voice breaks. "She's everything to me, Lori. After my mother died… I can't lose her, too."

"You won't." Lori threads her fingers through my hair in a soothing manner. "I understand. Siblings hold a part of our soul…" Her teary gaze wanders off to the gardens, to the silvery silhouette of the Hawthorn, and reflects the pink hues of sunrise. "I never told you why I got stuck on library duty. I was supposed to help out with a hunt, but instead, I snuck out to visit my brother."

Deep lines wrinkle my forehead. "Your brother? You went to visit him in the new world?"

She shakes her head. "No. I'm mortal, but my grandmother was Fae. As such, my brother and I both have magic. I displayed all the qualities of a shadow seed, but his magic was different. Lighter. And so he chose to train in the Spring Court." She starts to braid my hair, her soft movements lulling me into a dream-like state. "Spring is all about making babies…" a wince twists her lips. "And a big part of their duty is to make mortals fall in love. My brother used to carve arrows for Freya, the Queen of Hearts herself."

"Arrows? Like Cupid's arrows?"

"Cupids are actually not at all cute and cuddly, believe me. But I found out Ayaan had been accused of treason and sentenced to life in prison. They said that he was selling his arrows on the black market, but I don't believe it. They won't even let me talk to him—" she pauses abruptly.

"I'm so sorry. Can I do anything to help? Did you ask the others?"

Eyes wide, she shakes her head. "You're the first one I've told. Freya is dangerous as hell, and she despises the Shadow King." Her lips pull together in a hard, determined line. "But I'll get Ayaan out. I just have to keep faith and continue my training until I'm powerful enough to help him. So don't despair. You'll find a way to be with your sister. I'm sure of it."

I rest my hand over hers and give it a small squeeze. "And I'll help you find a way to clear your brother's name."

We smile, both sad and relieved to have each other.

Muffled voices rise from the gardens. "Thank you for this. I'm going to head in. I don't want anyone else to see me like this." I motion in the general direction of my puffy face.

She chews on her bottom lip. "Do you want me to come with you? I can get one of the others to cover for me."

"I'm better now, thanks." I give her a big hug and wipe down the last batch of tears, ready to shake it off and fight forward. "I'll get some rest."

I weave through the covered porch toward the entrance to the tunnels and come face to face with One.

The dark Fae freezes on the path, and I stop, too, stunned. An hour ago, I was pinned beneath him in a make-believe cornfield. What a difference an hour can make…

Our chests heave as we stare at each other, my salt-freckled cheeks and red eyes impossible to conceal.

"You're not supposed to be back, yet," he finally grounds out.

I catch a sniffle from surfacing and clench my fists at my sides. How does he manage to sound so detached when I'm simply dying inside. "You said this arrangement was fluid. Now, I need it to be fluid for me."

He cocks his head to the side, his silence suffocating.

"It won't make me lose the bet, right? I mean—it's just a few days early."

I need time to figure this out. Just a little more time.

"No…it's fine." One rubs the angle of his jaw, and a heavy sigh whistles out of me, my entire chest deflating. "You should go and meet with Three. As long as you're here, you might as well get started on fantasies right away. At this hour, he must still be in his bedroom. I'm sure you remember where it is."

A fierce blush heats my cheeks at the brazen reminder of my voyeurism session, but I stare at him until his throat bobs. "I thought I'd come to a sinful land when I first came to Faerie. I never imagined I'd be more scared to be home than to stay here. With you." I walk closer and graze the collar of his jacket.

I can't help how I feel, and I'm tired of hiding it. I know he feels it, too.

He takes a deliberate step backwards, his hands firmly tucked behind him. "Sin is a man-made concept, kitten. What's sinful for a civilization is the basis of the next. So the mortal wheel turns."

I arch a brow and press my luck, taking a giant leap forward. "Is there no sin in Faerie?"

He digs his soles in the ground, the game of cat-and-mouse over before it even started. "The only sin known to my kind is lacking the strength to do your duty. What's the happiness of one soul worth compared to the good of the many?"

A deep curve furrows my brow. Is he really going to pretend that nothing happened between us? "Is that what Mara was? A sacrifice for the good of the many?"

"The king didn't want Mara. She didn't mean anything."

I step forward until we're inches apart. "But he wants me?"

"Yes." His eyes flick to my lips. "And you mean more to him than you know."

How could I mean anything to the king? My magic might be important to him, but not me. "Is that all you have to say?"

All the masks in the worlds couldn't hide the fact that One is shaking—holding himself from reaching for me.

He pinches my moon-shaped pendant between his index finger and thumb, and his knuckles brush the hollow of my neck. "What happens in the Dreaming stays there for a reason… I could admit how much you mean to me. Tell you how different my life has been since you've arrived, and how you've filled me with a blinding, dangerous sense of hope. But it wouldn't change anything."

"You could also ask me why I'm crying. Hold me in your arms."

"I can't."

The dejected words are quickly becoming an impregnable wall between us, and tears sting my eyes. "You're just a coward then." I spin on my heels and walk away, leaving him and his damn duty behind.

In the tunnels, Two peels himself off the deepest shadow, slick as an eel, and falls into step with me.

I jolt away from him and pick up the pace. "Whatever it is—I'm not in the mood. I passed your little test, didn't I? I'm supposed to meet Three now."

"Suit yourself. I came to tell you One's secret"—he licks his lips expectantly—"but if you'd rather not know…"

I dig my heels in the carpet, frozen in place. Some traps are both obvious and unavoidable. I know Two doesn't have my best interest at heart, and yet I have to hear him out.

I have to know, once and for all.

Two leans into my ear, the coveted shape of him twisting my insides. "One can't bed you because of us. That's why he's so cranky all the time."

A burst of indignation bubbles up my spine. "What?"

Two slithers even closer, and the heat of his body dizzies me. The discussion we're having is about as unexpected as a horseshoe to the stomach. "The three of us are cursed, and the ramifications of that curse prevent One from indulging his feelings for you—or taking any woman to bed for that matter. That's why he rebuffed your advances in the Dreaming. That's why he's holding himself away now."

"But Three?—"

I've heard enough gossip to know Three's not celibate.

"Three's the exception."

I shake my head, rejecting Two's claim, and pick up a brisk pace, heading to my new mentor's bedroom. "No. One keeps his distance because of the king?—"

"One hates Damian. He'd steal you away from any king, but he can't. At least not alone." Two slows down as we near the door to Three's bedroom. "The three of us… We're a package deal. I told you before. You can't have one, that is—not just one. If you want One, you must take all three of us."

I shoot him a glance over my shoulder. "How convenient for you."

"I'm ready for my third question." He licks his lips and slides in front of me to block my escape, forcing me to stop or walk right into his embrace.

I swallow hard as he peels his shattered mask from his face. The silver and gold irises behind it are conniving and beautiful—a thousand times more powerful than they were in my dream.

The blackest parts of my soul are laid bare under his scrutiny. There's no wicked or unkind thought I could hide from him, and I know that—given the chance—he'd lap them all up to make me clean again.

He licks his lips, relishing his victory. "Do you feel something for just One, truly, or are you drawn to all of us?"

The bend of his brow speaks volumes, and I grit my teeth together. "You and your brothers are physically identical, so yes, I am attracted to all three of you."

He taps my nose in a condescending manner. "That's my girl." He leans in like he's about to whisper a dirty secret into my ear. "If I kissed you right now, you wouldn't back away."

"Don't be so sure?—"

He steals my breath with a kiss that's both vicious and undeniable, his hands hard at the back of my head. I gasp, and his tongue takes advantage of my surprise to slip inside my mouth, as sharp and cruel as its owner.

The rough caress goes straight to my belly. Contrary to the one we shared when he was pretending to be One, Two's kiss is a promise to cradle and love every dark desire I ever nurtured. It's insidious, and I almost feel wretched enough to kiss him back, but I tear myself away instead.

"I don't want you." I rub off the forbidden taste of him with the back of my hand, the pulsing heat between my thighs catching me in a lie.

"Yeah, you do. However ugly you think it is, it's the truth. Remember, pet. Three for the price of one…" His satisfied smile is heavy with promise, like he knows I'm bound to give in at some point. "Think about it. I know I will."