Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

" Y ou look less angry than I have seen you in some time," Nathan noted, glancing at James over his glass of scotch. "In fact, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were actually happy."

"Don't be ridiculous," James said, smiling despite himself. "Dukes don't allow themselves to feel such common emotions as happiness. "

"Then thank God I am not a duke!" Nathan laughed and threw back his scotch. "I very much enjoy allowing myself to be happy now and again. Another drink?"

He signaled to one of the waiters darting around the tables that he should bring them two more drinks.

"Why not?" James said, chuckling before downing the rest of his half-full glass. "Although you are to stop me after this one. I can't go home drunk tonight."

"Oh? Is your wife expecting you to perform in any way that drink might make difficult?"

James raised an eyebrow. "I would ask you not to speak of my wife in that way."

"I'm merely hoping that after the meltdown I witnessed the other day, you are making it up to her."

James groaned and had to resist the urge to bury his head in his hands. "You saw that?"

"Of course I did. Half the ton witnessed that."

James made a face. "An unfortunate scene, but not without its upsides." They were finally able to break down some of their walls and speak to one another, it was the first time he felt like they were partners.

This made Nathan sit up straighter and look at him seriously. In fact, James had never seen his friend look at him with so much hope.

"Really? You let your wife break down some of your walls? You, who loves to remain mysteriously shrouded in the reputation of the Devilish Duke?"

"Don't use that nickname, please. It's embarrassing."

Nathan laughed. "I'm just impressed that you let the Duchess in! You usually keep your cards close to your chest. It's one of the reasons you and Eavestone get along so well. You're both unwilling to let others in, so you respect each other's space."

James thought about this as the waiter arrived with their second glasses of scotch. Only once they were alone again did he say, "Am I really like that?"

"Of course you are. You know this about yourself, surely?"

"Well, with Violet, yes, I have been reserved. But I thought I was better at letting my friends get close to me."

"I've had to break down your walls with a hammer," Nathan sighed. "The same has been true for my relationship with Eavestone, although it has been much easier with him ever since he fell madly in love with his wife. Perhaps that's what you need as well. Perhaps love is the cure that will finally make you go from the Devilish Duke to the Dashing Duke."

"Please, stop," James said, even as he had to stifle his laughter.

"The Dapper Duke?"

"Oh God."

"The Disgustingly Smitten Duke?"

Nathan burst into laughter, but he eventually grew serious, the look in his eyes more wary. "But really, it sounds as if you might be falling for your wife if you let down your walls around her. Or am I misreading the situation?"

"We did share… a passionate moment," James admitted at last, and he felt himself flush as he said it.

How foolish you are acting! Blushing like a maiden!

"Did you now?" Nathan's eyes lit up. "Does that mean that you are close to resolving the matter we discussed last time? Are you and the Duchess growing closer? "

The emphasis on that last word, and the boyish grin on his face, made what he meant quite plain.

"I regret telling you about that," James huffed. "Although you have been a true friend and cousin in that you haven't brought it up again until now."

"I'm merely hoping that everything is settled now," Nathan said. "It's not healthy for a husband and wife to live separately. You said you weren't suited for one another in that department, but if you already shared a passionate moment, then I hope that you were simply mistaken."

James felt on the precipice of revealing everything. He was sick of holding it all in, sick of secrets and decades-old resentment towards his father. Part of him just wanted to admit to Nathan everything he was feeling.

"It's my fault," he said, at last.

He was going to choose to be brave. He was going to tell Nathan what was really going on, even if it killed him.

"I fear having children. My relationship with my father was very difficult. You know what an evil man he was, turning the duchy into a fertile ground for illegal businesses. You know how cruel he could be. And all he wanted, all he was ever obsessed with, was having heirs and passing on his title. I swore that I would put a stop to it all—both to the gangsters, the crimes, the exploitation of the tenants, and to his obsession with siring heirs."

Nathan tilted his head to the side, taking this all in. "I suppose it's a good thing I'm your cousin on your mother's side," he said with a smile. "Otherwise, if it was possible for me to inherit the duchy, I might have encouraged this outrageous line of thinking."

Thomas smiled. "You are far too selfless to ever do that, even if you were my heir."

"Well then, I have to tell you how incredibly outrageous this line of thinking is! You are ruining your one chance at happiness, and all for what? Revenge against your father?"

"It's not just revenge," James insisted. "I also fear that the same darkness that was in my father and me would be passed down to my son. You know how I can be sometimes. It's not as if I got the nickname of the Devilish Duke by being generous, kind, and open-hearted. I can be cruel, Nathan. I can be vindictive. And I can be merciless."

"Only towards those who deserve it," Nathan pointed out. "I have never seen you act with cruelty towards anyone who was worthy of your respect. Nor would I describe you as vindictive! You are intent on shutting down your father's illegal enterprises, yes, but you aren't doing it just to avenge yourself. You're doing it because it's the right thing to do! And in the process, you're helping your tenants and bringing stability to your duchy."

"Then why am I known as the Devilish Duke?" James demanded. "That reputation didn't just appear out of thin air."

"Well, you can be a tad forceful," Nathan admitted. "And you are merciless towards those who break the law or harm others. But is that such a bad thing? Besides, your enemies must have come up with the nickname to turn others against you."

"Hmm. Perhaps."

"And…" Nathan hesitated. "I think you have enjoyed it a little bit."

"Me?" James stared at him, aghast. "I would never!"

"But you have," Nathan said patiently. "You enjoy the reputation because it allows you to keep others at a distance."

James fell silent as he thought this over.

Is it possible that Nathan is right? I want to be perceived as frightening so that others won't dare get close to me?

He looked back up at his cousin. "Then that makes me no better than my father!" he protested.

"On the contrary," Nathan argued, smiling warmly at his cousin. "Your father kept people at a distance because he didn't care. He had no love in his bones. You try to keep others at a distance because you care too much. There is a very big part of you that loves deeply, James, but because of your father's neglect, you're afraid that you aren't worthy of affection. So you push others away before they can reject you."

"I'm not afraid of rejection!" James scoffed indignantly.

"Of course you are. That's why you pushed me away for many years, and that's why you are pushing Violet away. Because you love deeply and you are scared. And that's very different from what your father would've felt."

James felt as if he had been punched in the gut. Nathan's words were so astute, so insightful, and yet he had never thought about it this way before. He had just assumed that there must be something wrong with him because he didn't want anyone to get too close.

He had just assumed he was like his father.

"How do you know there's a part of me that loves deeply?" he asked, his voice low so that others wouldn't hear them.

Nathan shook his head. "Come on, James, you know. What were you always doing as a child?"

"What do you mean?"

"Weren't you always rescuing the dogs that Farrell had cast aside?"

"Oh… true."

"The number of times I had to help you save a dog!" Nathan shook his head again. "We were even chased by gangsters a few times! It was fun, don't get me wrong, but I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't begged me. You cared deeply about rescuing those dogs—about rescuing anyone in pain—just like you cared about rescuing your wife when she came to you, desperate and scared."

"That wasn't me loving deeply. That was me thinking about the money I needed to clean up my duchy."

"Maybe that's what you told yourself at the time. But I know you, James, and I know that underneath the hardness, there is someone soft and tender and capable of deep emotions."

James took a sip of his scotch to gather his thoughts.

"So what is happening tonight?" Nathan asked after a long moment.

"What?"

"Earlier, you said you couldn't return home drunk tonight, which makes me think that there is something special planned for you and the Duchess."

"Just a dinner," James said. "With her, her sister, and their mother. But I want it to be nice for Violet—I want to show her how much I care about making her happy. She has put so much work into making my house a home, the least I can do is show it off to her family."

Nathan raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Is that it?"

James hesitated. "And, well, I said that we would talk about how to move forward in our relationship."

"And how do you want to move forward?"

"I want her to be happy, but I still don't know if I am capable of giving her the kind of relationship she desires."

Nathan's eyes narrowed, and he leaned forward. When he spoke again, there was a new urgency in his voice.

"My dear cousin, I cannot tell you enough how important it is to let go of your anger at your father—it is holding you back from happiness. Your wife loves you. Of that, I am certain."

"I am in no way certain of that!"

James's stomach was in knots. The words "your wife loves you" had filled him with a deep, sickening dread. Not that Nathan might be right, but that he might be wrong.

Nathan pursed his lips. "What did she say after this passionate moment that you two shared?"

"She said… why can't we just be happy."

"Then she at least wants to try. And you would be a fool to keep pushing her away because of the fear of rejection, or because you are afraid of passing down some malignant spirit to your child. You are a good man, and your children will be as wonderful as you and your wife. As for the fear of rejection, well… that's how you know it's real—when you are afraid to lose her."

"How do you know these things?" James asked, his voice hoarse. He had never considered his cousin an expert on the tribulations of romantic love.

"I read," Nathan said, with a laugh. "Or has the Devilish Duke never read a romance novel?"

James smiled weakly. "Novels aren't always right."

"Well, I am right about this——you have to try with Violet. And tonight, after your romantic dinner, you have to tell her how you feel. Because if you keep pushing her away, then eventually, she will leave you. Maybe she won't move out of your home, but she will close herself off emotionally, and you will never be able to get back in. Women do not wait forever. So act now, James, before it's too late. Be brave—allow yourself to be happy for perhaps the first time in your life."

And as James stared into the eyes of his oldest and closest confidante, he suddenly wanted to do everything Nathan asked of him. He wanted to be brave. He wanted to be happy. And he wanted Violet.