Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3

Sela

"Yeah, okay. I'll hold." For a government agency with a multi-billion-dollar budget, they have sucky hold music.

Just when I'm about to give up, the music ends and a voice asks, "Whaddya want, Sela?"

"You know what I want. You've talked to the physical therapist. So when can I come back to work?"

"I talked to the physical therapist, and she didn't have very good things to say about your recovery, Sela. Seems you haven't been following her plan of treatment."

"I hate physical therapy. I can do it myself."

"Unfortunately, that's not going to cut it."

"Why not? Why do I have to―"

"Sela, I'm going to be blunt with you. You're not coming back out into the field, not with your injuries. That's over." Uh-huh. I knew it. All my suspicions are now confirmed. "When you get the all clear from your physical therapist, we'll start working to find you something in the―"

"Wait, wait. What do you mean, I'm not going back out into the field?"

"I think that's what I just said. I know that's not what you want to hear, but―"

"That's unacceptable, Andrew."

"It's just how it is, Sela. I've tried to tell you that in a roundabout way, but you won't listen, so I've just got to be plain. If you come back to the bureau, it'll be at a desk job or in a training position. You will not be back out in the field. End of discussion."

"What if I―"

"Sela, no. Nope. The decision has been made. We're coming up with a list of possible positions, but none of them will be in the field."

"I'll just talk to Markowitz and he'll―"

"He's helping to compile the list, so you'll get no backing there."

Markowitz has bailed on me too. My former partner doesn't have my back. Nice―real nice. "So I give the bureau the best years of my life, almost gave it my life, and this is how I'm thanked. Abandoned. Put out to pasture."

"It's not like that, Sela. We're looking for a position for you. Your expertise is valuable, and it can be utilized in a lot of different way, but not that one."

"What, are you afraid of me carrying a gun? Or that I've somehow forgotten what I'm supposed to be doing?"

"No. We're more afraid of a partner needing your backup and you being physically unable to provide it."

"Oh, so tell me you don't trust me to do my job without telling me you don't trust me to do my job."

"It's not about trusting you to do your job. It's about the fact that we don't think we can trust your ability to do your job."

"Have I ever let you down before?"

"No, but have you ever come back from injuries this severe before? No. You haven't. So even you don't know how you're going to perform. And I think if you're honest with yourself, you'll admit that your physical abilities aren't what they were before the accident."

"Of course they're not! I almost died! But that doesn't mean I'm going to be in this shape forever!"

"From what the physical therapist says, you are, because you're non-compliant, so you're really not making that much progress."

I don't believe this. They're taking her word over mine? Like she's in this body. She has no idea how I feel or what I can do. "Okay, well, get back to me with that list of possibilities. And thanks."

"You're welcome. I'm hoping we can find something you'll be happy with. And do what that therapist tells you! Talk to you soon."

You know what I miss? I miss the ability to slam a phone receiver down on a cradle, because that's exactly what I'd do. Instead, I just hold my cell phone in a death grip and thrash around with my teeth clenched. God damn them! I was doing my job, I got hurt, and my whole world is gone. What the hell am I going to do?

I talked to Patch on the way home from the hospital yesterday, and he said if Bear wants me at the farm, I'm welcome to move in. But there's one call I have to make before I can do that. Her voicemail kicks in, so I just leave a short message. "Hey, it's Sela. Please call me back when you can. Thanks." There's time for a shower before dinner, but I really don't want to miss her return call.

When the phone rings, I give a little start. "Wow. That was quick."

"I'm leaving for the day. What's up?"

"I felt like I owed it to you to check with you… Um, you know Bear is awake."

"Of course! Everybody does."

"Yeah, well, um, he asked me if I'd move in with him out there at the farm. But I wanted to talk with you first."

"About?"

"Is that going to cause you any problems? PTSD? Flashbacks? Just having me around?"

Based on the hesitation before she answers, she sounds appropriately taken aback. "No. Why would it?"

"Because it was a traumatic experience, and I don't want you reliving that every time you see me."

"Sela, there's no way that would happen. You're the reason I'm still alive," Natalie says. "If anything, I'd be glad to see you there. But isn't that going to leave him in a bad place when you go back to work?"

Trying to explain what's going on with that would be a nightmare. "Um, I'm not sure when I'm going back to work."

"Have they determined that your disability is permanent?" she asks, and there's no way I'm going to tell her what AndrewRosnick said to me.

"No. It's just that I'm thinking I need a change of pace." That sounded pretty good. Just stick with that , I tell myself. "I just wanted to make sure it wasn't going to be painful or awkward for you."

"Nope. You don't have to worry about me. With the boys there all the time now, I don't have time to dwell on the past. I have to keep moving forward."

"Okay then. As long as you're okay with it, I'll talk to him again. Thanks, Natalie."

"You're welcome."

Well, that settles that. Looks like I'm going to be the newest resident of Iron Oak Farms.

Bear

"I'm not here because I'm having trouble with my jaw, my teeth, or my stomach. Could I please get some real food?"

The nurse isn't my type, but she's cute. And she's way too young for me anyway. "I'll see what I can do. I think they were afraid you were a choking hazard."

"Not unless they think I'm going to choke myself. Mashed potatoes would be fine. I just don't want another cup of broth or gelatin."

"Yeah, I think you need some real food."

From somewhere out in the hallway, a voice calls, "Hey, Christa, did that patient over in two eighty-one go home? I've got a dinner for him."

That makes my nurse smile. "Yeah. He was discharged this morning. Here―I'll take that," she says and steps to the doorway to take the tray from the other lady. Then she turns and winks at me as she heads toward me. "See? All you had to do was ask!"

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"And a meal doesn't go to waste. I think it's a win/win, don't you?"

That makes me chuckle. "I do! Not a bite of it will be wasted, I can promise you that!"

"Good. Eat up. I'll pick up your tray later." And she disappears, leaving me there with a tray of hot food.

Let's see… I think that thing is supposed to be a pork chop. Oh, green beans! That's good. And sure enough, mashed potatoes and gravy. Finally! A decent meal. At least sixty-six percent of it is anyway.

I've taken the first bite when a voice says, "You must be feeling better if they're letting you eat."

"Hey! Grab a seat. I'm starving, so I hope you don't care if I keep eating," I say, watching Patch pull the chair up closer to the bed.

"No, you just go right ahead. I'm glad to see you able to eat. You're bound to be as hollow as a drum."

"I am. I needed this. What brings you here?"

"I wanted to check on you, for one thing. Doin' okay?"

"Yeah. Doing fine. Hoping they'll let me go home tomorrow," I say just before I poke a forkful of potatoes into my mouth.

"That would be good. Don't know if you could go back to work straightaway, but―"

"I don't know why not."

"You have a very dangerous job, and I'd hate for you to get hurt. That's the last thing we need. I'd rather you waited a week or two and got your feet back under you before you step back into the glass studio."

"So you don't want me to work?"

"No. It's nothing like that. It's just that I want you to be safe. That's all." His tone is calm and his face is smooth. He's not being angry or argumentative, and he's not challenging me. He's also not pitying me. I can tell that in his thinking, this is just a very matter-of-fact decision, and I'm going to take it as something he's doing for my good, or at least what he honestly thinks he needs to do. I get it. And that's fine. I'm not going to make a fuss over it, but it will put me weeks behind on my orders. I guess folks will just have to understand.

"I respect that, and I thank you for it." Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like he wants to say something else. "Is something on your mind?"

"Yes. Do you really want Sela to move to the farm with you?"

"I do. What are you getting at?"

"She has it in her head that we all hate her, and we don't. At first, I thought maybe she hated all of us and she was projecting her feelings onto us, but now I'm not so sure. Might as well tell you that I told her we don't hate her, just hate the way she treats you."

"She loves me." There's no way for me to explain it. I just know it to be true like I know my own name.

"Could've fooled me."

"Yeah, well, she tried to fool me, but it didn't work. I've seen a side of Sela that you haven't seen."

"And I want to keep it that way," Patch says with a smirk.

"Not that side, although it's pretty impressive." The memory makes me grin. Those two nights we shared were something I'll never forget. The woman wanted, and I gave. After thirty years in prison, I was afraid I'd forgotten how with a woman, but it all came rushing back, along with all the stuff I'd read and watched in the meantime. And there was a lot. I wish I could recreate a couple of those porn videos. I know people say they're not real, but they were pretty spectacular.

"Look, I don't care as long as you can handle the rejection when she totally flakes on you."

That pisses me off just a little. "What makes you think she's going to flake on me? Am I all that bad? I know I'm not much to look at, but―"

"It has nothing to do with how you look, which, by the way, more than a couple of the women at the farm have indicated is, as they've said, pretty damn hot. Their words, not mine." He looks a little repulsed even saying it out loud. Looking for a straight guy? Patch Scott is definitely that guy.

This is interesting too. "Which women?"

"Nope. Not going there. Just know that they… I should just stop right here. The point is, it's not you. I'm just not convinced that Sela can… connect that way. Make a lasting bond. It's not about being faithful. It's about… being attached."

"Let me worry about that."

Patch shrugs. "Okay. As long as you can handle it."

"I can. I've handled a lot worse."

Patch shakes his head. "Nothing's much worse than being rejected by somebody you love."

"Like I said, my rodeo, my bull."

"Okay. It's up to you. She's welcome there. Of course, you'll have to spring her from the dungeon, and I'm wondering if you do that how the FBI will respond. If she doesn't finish that treatment plan, she probably won't have a job."

I'd already thought of that, and that's something she and I will have to talk about. I want her to do what she thinks she needs to do, but she's not going to sit around doing nothing and feeling sorry for herself. That can't happen. "We'll talk about it."

"Can you just tell me… How the hell did the two of you get together?"

I close my eyes and think back. We were all in the kitchen, eating dinner, and she was across the room. You know how it feels when somebody's staring at you and you can feel their eyes on you? That's how it was. I glanced up and our eyes met, and that was it. When everybody got ready for bed, I went back to the lodge and tapped on her door. The door swung open slowly, and she motioned for me to come in. As soon as the door closed, she dropped that robe and, holy hot hell, everything I thought I knew flew out the window. Her body is lean and hard, and she slid it up against mine perfectly. That first time, I fucked her so hard that she pressed her hands to the wall to keep me from slamming her into it. If there had been a headboard on the bed, I would've tied her to it. A woman that strong, that flexible, that sexy… damn, I want her so bad. But all I say to Patch is, "I'm not sure. It just happened."

"Uh-huh. Okay. Well, anyway, if she can handle you, I'm sure you can handle her."

That makes me laugh. "If she can't handle me, I'll sure teach her how!"

"You do that," he says with a grin, then rises from the chair. "I guess I'd better get back. Reboot volunteered to take Fiona over to the boarding stable to take care of the horse or I wouldn't have gotten to come see you. Everybody's busting their asses these days between work and the team and all these kids showing up out of nowhere." Before I can say anything, he blurts out, "Not that I mind. Not at all. I love having them all there. But it's all happened so fast, and we're all still trying to adjust, what with Paddy's two and now Martin and the baby… It's crazy around there."

Kids. Something I'll never have. I made my peace with that years ago. And something tells me that kids are something Sela has never really thought much about. Matter of fact, Sela being somebody's mother is just about as bizarre a thought as I can entertain. "I get it. If you really want me to take it easy for a week or two after I get out, maybe I can help pick up some of the slack, you know, drive kids around or babysit or something."

"I'm telling you, Sarah and Lenny have been godsends. They've decided all those kids are their grandkids, and they've come through every time we've needed them. And Tony and Nikki have been talking about coming and staying for a few days to get to know Borden, Tegan, and Martin a little better, and to do some training with Fi and her horse. I think Nikki wants to get her hands on that baby," Patch says and laughs. That makes me laugh too. Thinking about NikkiWalters fretting that there's a baby she hasn't gotten to hold is funny. Sounds just like something she'd do.

"You know she's probably worrying the shit outta Tony to bring her and let her see him," I say with a snort.

"You know it! Well, buddy, you eat that food there, if you can call it that―"

"Closest thing to real food that I've had since I've been here, so don't knock it!" I bark, laughing.

"Gotcha! Have fun with that! And if they kick you loose tomorrow, call and me or one of the guys will come get you." He lays a hand on my shoulder, and I press mine to the back of it. His hand pressed to my upper arm, or shaking hands with him, or just being around him… I'm always impressed with the strength, the peace and stability, the overall comfort I receive just from his presence. Patch is a man among men, the real deal, a person I'd like to be more like. Everything about him says honesty and integrity. He's the kind of person I strive to be every day because of the example he sets.

"I'll do it. Thanks, man."

"One way or another, I'll see you tomorrow. Night, bud. Love ya."

"Love you too. Have a good evening." I watch as he closes my door behind him and instantly regret his absence.

The dinner was… dinner. At least it was something that was chewable, not just something to swallow. I've about decided to take another little nap when the phone in the room rings. It's just close enough that I can reach it, and I grab it and say, "Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey. Guess you called through the switchboard."

"Yeah. I don't have your cell number."

"That's okay. I don't have my cell. I guess it's in my cottage with my personal stuff. I think the hospital gave it all to Patch. Speaking of Patch, I talked to him about you coming out to the farm to stay. He's okay with it."

There's a deep sigh from the other end of the phone before she says, "Sure didn't sound like it."

"They're all worried about me, Sela. They're afraid you're going to chew me up and spit me out."

"Me? I'm such a powerful, controlling bitch that I could destroy you?" Then I hear her snicker. "With my pussy?"

Okay. I'm done with this. We're going to clear the air or she's not coming. "Look, I'm not afraid of you. You get that, right?"

That time she snorts loudly. "You should be."

"I'm not. I have the potential to hurt you as badly as you can hurt me."

That gets an actual laugh out of her. "Oh, really? And how's that?"

"You do realize I heard everything you said to me the other day, right?"

"And what did I say?"

"You said you love me."

"I did not."

"Let me explain something to you. One of the things I learned in prison was to read between the lines, and I do it very well. You were begging me to wake up because you had something to say to me, and I really don't think it was, ‘I found a tick behind my left ear,' or, ‘I had cabbage for dinner last night and 'bout ran myself out of the bathroom this morning.' I could be wrong, but I don't think it was either of those, and I sincerely doubt it was the price of milk at the store. So what exactly were you going to say, Sela? If you weren't going to tell me how you feel about me, what was it?"

Silence. For a few seconds, I start to think she's hung up until she says, "I have trouble with some words. They're hard to pronounce."

It takes everything I have to not start laughing. "Pronounce, huh? Got it. Do you do better with charades? You know, acting them out?"

From the other end of the phone comes a little chuckle. "Uh, yeah, something like that."

"Okay. Well, when I get out of here and you get to the farm, I'll let you do some charades and I'll see if I can figure out what you're talking about."

"Ohhhhh, uh, yeah. That sounds good."

Now I'm the one to chuckle. "Thought you'd like that."

"Yeah. When are you getting out of there?"

"Probably tomorrow. Somebody will have to come pick me up."

She hesitates for just a few seconds and then says, "I wish it could be me."

"You've gotta get out of there first. What's your physical therapist saying?"

"We can talk about that later." Uh-oh. That answer came a little too quickly. I don't know what the story is, but you can bet I'll be asking.

"Patch told me to just call and somebody will come and get me. I hope they're not in a hurry. I've got a stop to make on the way."

"Oh? Where are you stopping?"

"To see you."

I'd like to think she's smiling as she sits there on the other end of the conversation, but with Sela, you're never really sure. "Oh. Well, that would be nice. Hope you can."

"If I can't, I'll just go to the farm, get a car, and come over there."

"And take me back with you?"

"If that's what you want. And they say you can come."

"I don't give a rat's ass what they say. I'll go if I want," she announces. And now I'm really concerned.

"Well, okay then. But right now, I think I'm gonna go. My head is starting to hurt a little and―"

"Are you okay?" The concern in her voice is genuine, and it surprises me a little.

"Yeah. The doctor said this might happen for a week or two. I got a pretty good lick to my head, he said."

"That's why you were out so long. I'm just… a little worried. That's all."

"Nothing to worry about. Just part of the healing process. Sleep makes it go away, so I'm going to try to get some shut-eye. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Make the headache go away."

"I will. And Sela?"

"Yeah?"

"I meant what I said. I love you."

"Uh, yeah, okay, I… should probably go start another load of laundry."

"You do that. Night."

"Night, Bear."

I drop the receiver into the cradle on the old phone and sit there, thinking. She really does have some trouble with pronunciation. Maybe it's not physical therapy she needs.

Maybe it's speech therapy.

God, I need a shower in my own bathroom! I called Patch to tell him I need a ride and some clothes, and he said he or somebody would be here in a little bit. In the meantime, I try my best to pull myself together, but I really have nothing to work with. Damn, I need a shave and a haircut.

An hour after I called, the door opens and a sight for sore eyes steps in. "Hey, honey! You ready to go?"

"Boy, am I glad to see you!" I hope she can see from my smile that I mean it. Mavis looks like an angel standing there with a duffel bag. "Did you bring me something to wear?"

"Yep! Sure did. I'll just step out and let you get dressed. All the paperwork is signed and everything?"

I nod. "I was just waiting for a ride."

"Well, you've got one! Your chariot awaits, kind sir. Meet me in the waiting area inside the doors and we'll be off." Before she leaves the room, she crosses it to me, rises up on her tiptoes, and kisses my cheek. "I've missed you. We all have. I'm so glad you're coming home."

For the first time ever, instead of just smiling, I open my arms and wrap them around her shoulders. She wraps hers around my waist, and I draw her in and hug her tightly. It feels so good to hug somebody, her warmth against me, and it reminds me of the way my grandmother hugged me when I was little. When I turn her loose, she steps back, smiles up at me, and then turns to go. I can't get my clothes on fast enough.

I just want to go home.

Five minutes later, as we pull away from the curb, I ask, "Do you have time to run me by the nursing facility?"

"Sure. You wanna see Sela?"

I nod. "Yeah. I do."

"Good. I've got plenty of time."

The sun is so bright that it hurts my eyes, and I'm glad she brought me a jacket because the air has gotten cool. We pull up to the nursing facility and I ask, "Do you want to come in?"

"Nah. I'll just wait in the car. Tell her I said hi." I get it. Sela's been so harsh with most of them that they really don't want to see her. I don't know what's going to happen when she comes out to the farm to stay.

She's lying on the bed, her back to the door, not moving. "Hey," I say as I tap on the door and peek in.

And I'm shocked. She sits straight up and pivots around, but I could swear she's wiping her eyes. "Oh, hey. You're out."

"Yep. Mavis came to pick me up."

Quick as a wink, she's on her feet. "It won't take me five minutes to pack up."

"What? What do you mean?"

Her eyes are wide when she spins to face me. "I'm going with you!"

"But Sela, don't you need to talk to your doctor and―"

"No. I'm going with you. Right now. Don't leave without me." She's hustling around, snatching things out of drawers and throwing them in the middle of the bed. When she's finished with that, she grabs a tote, disappears into the bathroom, and comes back with it. It gets dropped into the middle of the bed too, and then she takes the flat sheet, drags it together like a hobo bag, and turns to me with it clutched in her hands. "Okay. I'm ready."

"But Sela―"

"No. I'm going. Can you take this out to the car, please? I need to write a note." Before I can protest, she shoves the thing into my hands. "Go on. I'll be there in just a few seconds."

"Uh, okay." She's scrambling around, a pencil in her hand, so I head out the door. When I get to the car, I open the door and ask, "Can you pop the tailgate?"

"Sure." I hear it click, so I take the bundle and shove it in, then get into the back seat. "What are you doing back there?" Mavis asks.

"Sela says she's coming with me. She's writing a note or something."

A minute passes, and then two. At the five-minute mark, I let out a sigh. "I'm going in there to see what she's doing. I'll be right back."

Mavis just shrugs and says, "Okay."

Doesn't take me long to figure out what's going on. I hear her before I'm halfway to her room. "No, I'm done with this."

A woman's voice says, "But you're nowhere near where you need to be physically, Ms.Baldwin. You need to stay."

"I'm not staying here. I've had all I can take. This is my chance to get out, and I'm going."

"Your employer will most likely terminate you for non-compliance, and I have no choice but to tell them you left against medical advice. You know that if the doctor was here, he'd say the same thi―"

"I really don't give a damn what my employer does! I'm leaving. I've had enough of this hellhole. You're so damn concerned about my physical wellbeing, but honestly, I feel like I'm dying here. I really do. I have to get out of here while I still can."

My instinct was to stop right outside her door, and in an instant, she runs right into me. "Oh! I didn't know―"

"Sela, you should stay."

"No! I can't! I have to get out of here!"

"But your job―"

"I'll worry about that later. Right now, I have to go. If you won't take me, I'll―"

"We're parked right outside. But when we get to the farm, we have to talk. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just get me out of here," she says, almost running even with her limp.

"Oh my god, it's cold out here," she mumbles as soon as we're outside, and I realize that all she has are shorts. She came in here during really hot weather, and now that it's turned cool, her clothes are less than adequate.

"We'll get you something warm when we get there."

With me holding the door, she slides into the back seat, and I hear her say, "Hey, Mavis."

"Hi, Sela. Didn't realize you were coming with us."

"Nobody did. But here I am. Hope that's okay."

"Of course. It's fine. I'm glad to see you."

"Yeah, well, thanks. I'm… glad to see you too," Sela answers, but it's halting and stiff. I don't think she believes that anybody is glad to see her, and that makes my heart hurt.

Before we can even pull out of the parking lot, I've taken off my jacket and wrapped it around her. I figure if I try to wrap my arms around her and pull her up against me to keep her warm, she'll probably pull away, and she doesn't make any move to lean into me. For the first time since I walked out of the hospital, I'm feeling totally drained, and I have to imagine that she feels the same way. We don't talk, none of us, and I can't wait to get to my cottage, to my own bathroom, and to my own bed.

Mavis pulls right up to my door and stops. "Home sweet home," she says with a lilt in her voice.

"Truer words were never spoken," I reply, and I mean it. I've never been so happy to see home in my whole life.

"Need some help?" she asks, and I realize then that she's looking at Sela, who's sound asleep in the back seat.

"I'm not sure I need to try to lift her. Can you walk her in? I'll get our stuff out of the trunk."

"Sure. No problem. Hey, honey, we're here! Come on," Mavis says and takes Sela's hands.

"Whaaa? Oh. We're here. Okay." I watch as she slides out and stands, then lets Mavis take her arm and help her up the steps. I manage to slip around them with the key I keep under the doormat and unlock the door. I've got to find my stuff. I need my keys and my cell phone.

"Thank you so much, Mavis," I tell the small brunette as soon as Sela and I are inside.

"You're so welcome, honey. I'm just glad you're home." With a little kiss on my cheek, she turns to leave, then pivots again and smiles at Sela. "And I'm glad you're here."

"Thank you. I need sleep," Sela mumbles.

"Bye. You guys get some rest." The sound of Mavis' feet on the front porch dissipates and in seconds, we're alone.

"Come on. We can shower and all that later. Right now, I need to lie down," I tell the woman wobbling and weaving beside me.

"Sleep. I need some sleep. Real sleep," Sela whispers.

"Let's go." As soon as I clear the bedroom doorway, I throw the comforter back and point at the blanket. "Just lie down on top of the blanket and we'll cover up with the comforter. Get on in." For once, she doesn't argue with me and just crawls into the bed, sort of collapsing on the other side. I sit down on the side, take off my shoes, then reach over and pull hers off too. After they're deposited on the floor, I lie down, roll toward her, and pull the comforter over us.

Oh my god, it feels good to be in my own bed. A million things run through my head, but the biggest one is how thankful I am to be here in this little room. My gratitude instantly turns to the woman lying beside me. "You okay?" I whisper.

Instead of answering me, she rolls to face me and burrows into my chest. In that moment, I feel like the strongest, most powerful, and most capable man in the world. My arms wrap around her, and something happens that totally shocks me.

There's not a sound, but I can feel her sobbing. She occasionally sniffles. I would've questioned it if not for those sniffles, but she's actually crying. That's when I realize how frightened she must've been all these months, how alone she must've felt, how vulnerable, how defenseless, how weak and small she must've been made to feel. And how resentful and angry she is deep inside, angry at what happened, angry with her doctors, at how everyone out here has responded to her, and it makes me wonder: What's going on with her job? Has something happened? We'll talk about that and much, much more in the very near future.

But right now, I need some sleep. We both do. I don't know if everything will look better when we wake up, but it sure can't look much worse.