Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

Bear

The rehab facility is quiet tonight. It always is in the evenings, but tonight it seems especially so. I'm not sure what the difference is. When I round the corner to the correct hallway, I can hear somebody singing. I have no idea who it could be. Probably somebody who thinks they're in church.

I said rehab facility, but it's not really. I mean, it is, but it's not. It's a nursing facility. Let's just be blunt―it's where old people go to die. Once they get here, they're never going anywhere else. It's a fact. The only reason she's here is because they have their own physical therapy department, so they can work with her every day, several times a day, all on the government's dime. I'm not complaining, mind you. That's as it should be. She was injured doing government work, so they should have to pay. Even so, a broken femur, broken fibula, and cracked pelvis make for some pretty serious rehab, so she's right where she needs to be.

When I get to the door, I almost don't go in. Why I keep thinking something will change is a mystery, but I keep hoping. I knock lightly and I'm answered with, "Yeah?"

"Just me." She's in bed, lying there stiff and still, head turned so she's staring at the wall. She's that way every night. "You okay?"

"Why do you always ask me that? No. I'm not okay."

"You're more okay than you want to be."

"That's bullshit. Am I going back to work? No. So I'm not okay."

"Well, right now, you're getting up and going for a walk with me." I don't even ask, just reach over and snap the sheet off of her. She's wearing a little tee shirt, some shorts, and her socks. "Come on. Let's go."

"I don't want to."

"And I don't care. You're going. I said let's go."

The look she gives me is murderous. "If I had a gun―"

"But you don't. No point fantasizing. Come on." I stand there and wait while she finally pushes herself up to sitting. "Shoes," I say and point to the slippers by the bed, so she slides off the mattress, slips her feet into them, and stands.

"Happy now?"

"No. I'm never happy. Not so long as you're in here." My attempt to take her arm is brushed off, as usual. "Get a move on."

"Yeah, yeah. Fucking slave driver." She shuffles past me and heads toward the door, but I'm right behind her. She's not as frail as she lets on, but I'm usually close in case she loses her balance.

Once we're out in the hallway, we wander past the nurse's station, and I slip a piece of paper to the guy there. He opens it and gives me a thumbs up, so we keep going. I wrote a simple note on it.

Taking her for a milkshake. Back in 30.

They don't care as long as they know where she is, and if she's with me, they know she'll be safe. As we walk past rooms, this one and that one, I glance in. It's a depressing place, and I can see why she hates it. We've offered repeatedly to let her come out to the farm, but the government insurance won't pay for therapists to make home visits, so that's out. She's stuck here, and she has been for three months.

When we reach the front door, I turn so I'm between her and the keypad and punch in the code. "What the hell are you… How do you know the code?"

"I'm here every fucking day, Sela. How do you think I get out?"

"What is it?"

I give her a gruff chuckle. "Oh, not a chance in hell. You'd be gone in twenty minutes. I'm not that stupid. Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"Just down the road. Thought you might like a change of scenery." She's walking pretty damn good, so we head to Patch's truck, and I help her into the passenger seat. Once I'm behind the wheel, I turn and grin at her. "Here we go."

The drive-in is just a few blocks down, and I slide into a stall. "Okay. I figured you'd like a milkshake, so that's why we're here."

"Is that all I can get?"

I shrug. "What do you want?"

"What do I want? I want a fucking cheeseburger, that's what. And a Coney Island dog. And some tater tots, and some fries, and some chicken tenders. And I want a diet lemon-lime soda, and a thing of fried cheese curds, and―"

"Whoa! Hold up, hold up! What the hell, woman?"

"I'm fucking starving! Do you know what they feed us? Pretty much nothing. I don't know what they're spending their money on, but it's not food, and it's sure as hell not décor." Until this moment, I hadn't noticed, but she's lost weight―not a lot, but too much for her frame―and there's some muscle wasting too. That's mostly because she refuses to get out of bed unless it's time to go to therapy. "And then I want a milkshake and a sundae. A brownie sundae."

"Okay. You order whatever you want and I'll pay for it. Anything and everything you want."

"You're not serious."

"I'm sure as hell serious. Anything you want. Better yet, how 'bout this? Order two things. When you're halfway through with those, we'll order two more. Because it's going to be hard to eat in the truck, plus some of it will get cold."

"You're right. It will. That's a plan. I want the cheeseburger and fries first, and the soda."

"Got it. What on the burger?"

" Everything . If they've got rutabagas, I'll take those. Melon slices. I don't care. I want that sonofabitch loaded."

"You got it." After I place the order, I sit back and turn to look at her. "And I want you to eat every bite."

"I will. I promise. I'm dying of hunger. That's why I don't have a roommate anymore. I ate the last one."

"Oh, lord, you're a hot mess," I say and rub my eyes. "What's your physical therapist saying?"

"That I'll never be able to do the job I used to do. And frankly, if I can't, I really don't want to live anymore."

"Stop saying that. It's bullshit. There are plenty of things you could be doing."

"Yeah. School resource officer. Nope. I don't think so."

"No. There are other jobs." I'm thinking of one, but I haven't had time to talk to the right person, so I don't know about that yet. "Most of the police departments would hire you as a detective. You'd do a great job."

"I don't want to be a detective!" she barks.

"Yeah, well, I didn't want to be in prison for thirty years, but here we are." That's not true. I did want to be in prison for thirty years. I wanted to do my penance, and I still don't feel like I really did all I should've. And I didn't trust people, plus I especially didn't trust myself, so I didn't want to be out in the world. Being outside the prison walls has been hard for me, even though I'm in the best place possible now.

"Yeah, and people like me put people like you away," she announces.

"No, local yokels put me away. There were no feds anywhere around, so you can quit puffing and blowing."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Fuck, I hate that word, and I refuse to respond to it, so we just sit there in silence.

In about three minutes, she says, "Hey, you didn't order yourself anything."

"Already ate. Audrey made pork chops."

"Her pork chops are good," Sela says, and there's a tone in her voice that's the sound of longing.

"Yeah. They really are. I would've brought you a plate, but I didn't know if you'd already eaten."

"Whatever I had wouldn't have been enough to ruin that dinner, I can tell you that."

"Hey there," a cute girl who looks to be maybe seventeen says as she steps up to the truck window. "Loaded cheeseburger, fries, and a diet lemon-lime?"

"Yes, ma'am." I have my debit card ready in my hand, and we swap items. "Thank you."

"Thank you. I'll be right back."

Sela's already taken the bag out of my hand, and I swear to god, she's probably going to choke with the way she's gobbling down that burger. "Slow down," I warn. "You're gonna make yourself sick."

"Oh my god, this is so good. Best hamburger I've ever eaten in my life . And these fries are perfect ," she says, cramming one into her mouth. "Juss perfeh."

"Let me ask you something. Do you do the same things in PT every day?"

She nods, then answers with her mouth full. "Yeff."

"If you were on your own, could you do the same things for yourself?"

"Athalully."

"Then please, Sela, come home with me. To the farm. You can do your own physical therapy. There's plenty of room to walk and hike and get your strength back. Audrey cooks, and we always have food around. This is ridiculous. It's totally absurd for you to be hungry and alone. Stupid."

She turns and stares right at me. "You don't want me out there."

"I do. I really do. I wouldn't ask if I didn't."

There's no telling what she's about to say when she drops her hands, food and all, to her lap and stares at me. "You've been coming to see me for three months now. I've never once told you thank you, or kiss my ass, or anything. I've been nothing but harsh and demanding and whiney and bitchy. And you want me to come out to the farm and subject you to that daily?"

"Yes. I do."

"Why the hell do you want that?"

"Because. Because I'm a fucking masochist, apparently." Man up, Miles , my brain tells me. "Because in case you haven't noticed, I care about you."

"Well, I don't care about you," she announces.

"So is that why every time I get even remotely close to you, your nipples get hard?"

"Oh my god! Oh my god, I cannot believe you just said that to me!" she shrieks, acting all offended.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Sela."

"Being horny is not the same as caring! You should know that!"

"Yeah, yeah. You just stick with that. You're such a cold, uncaring bitch. Whatever." Fuck, it felt good to throw that back at her.

"Oh, now you're gonna whatever me ? Uh-huh." She crams more hamburger in her mouth. "Can't wait until I finish this so you can take me back to the old-age home. You're getting a little clingy here."

"Fuck off. I've been very clear about how I feel about you, and you can't handle it. You're so afraid of letting anybody in. Nobody means you any harm, Sela. That's all in your head."

"It's all in my head, and you're up my ass every day. Right."

"Somebody's gotta be up your ass. Otherwise, you'd just sit around and feel sorry for yourself all day long every day."

Everything she has in her hands gets shoved back into the bag. "That does it. Take me back. Right now."

"Before your ice cream?"

"Yes. Now. Fuck you."

There are words on the tip of my tongue, but I decide to hold them and instead, I drop my forehead to the steering wheel. She's impossible―totally impossible. "Let me ask you something," I say, straightening and staring directly at her. "Who else has come to see you while you've been in the hole?"

"Natalie. Patch. Penny. Audrey."

"That's it?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"You have family. Where are they?"

"Anywhere that I'm not."

"Do you treat them the way you treat me?"

"No, they treat me the way I treat you ."

"Aha. Now I'm getting a clearer picture."

"Ah, yes. You're so perceptive," she snarls under her breath.

"More so than you realize. I figured you out some time ago."

"Uh-huh. Right. Nobody's ever figured me out."

"Sure. Of course. You haven't even figured you out. How can you expect somebody else to?"

Now she's dragging the food out of the bag again, but she tosses it right back in. "For some reason, I've totally lost my appetite."

"So no ice cream?"

She shakes her head and stares out the window. "No."

"Okay then." I'm tired. She wears me out. The constant bickering isn't fun, but I do it because I care about her. I have to believe she cares about me, but she'd die before she'd ever admit it. I just start the truck, back out of the space, and head back to the shithole she's been in all this time.

When we pull up, I stop the truck, turn it off, and take the keys out. She's already letting herself out on the other side, so chivalry is unnecessary. She's staring at me like I'm daft. "Why didn't you just leave the truck running?"

"And walk up here, only for you to turn around, run back to the truck, and take off? No way. How stupid do you think I am?" Before she can speak, I snap, "Don't answer that. I really don't want to know."

"You didn't have to walk me to the door," she says.

"Oh, yes I did. Otherwise, I'd turn my back and you'd ding-dong-ditch and hoof it out to the road to hitchhike."

"You really think I'd do that?" she asks, looking at me from the corner of her eye.

"I know you'd do that. I have every confidence that's exactly what you'd do." The door opens and I point inside. "Go. See you later."

"I'd thank you for the burger, but I didn't get to finish it because you're an asshole." Without another word, she saunters in and the door closes behind her.

It's not far to the farm, but it's dark now, and I'm paying close attention to the road. I hate driving at night. Funny, I don't remember it being a challenge before I went to prison, but now that I'm out, it's hard to see. Patch said he thinks I should check into getting glasses. Yay. Just another way to make me even less attractive. I really don't need help in that department.

I'm about halfway home when I decide to turn on the radio, but it's just an FM band thing, and it's not set to a particular channel. From what I can tell, I'm the first person who's ever tried to listen to it. I'm doodling with the dial and checking the road, and I think I've almost got it…

Something blinds me, and I look up to find a car heading straight toward me. Instinct kicks in―I yank the wheel to the right, and when I do, I realize there's a huge ditch. I'm jarred forward, and there's the sensation of something flying over my head…

Sela

I swear to god, he's absolutely determined that he's going to make me feel something for him.

Problem is, I already do.

Bear is the closest thing to perfect that I've ever found. Good-looking, but not so good-looking that he's conceited. Taller, way taller, than me―believe it or not, a lot of guys aren't. Smart, a lot smarter than people give him credit for, and a lot smarter than he thinks I believe him to be. I'd never let him know that I think he's smart. He'd be unbearable.

But persistent? I swear to god, I've never met anybody more persistent than that motherfucker. He just doesn't quit. No matter how hard I try to run him off, he just won't go. I don't know if he thinks I've thrown down the gauntlet and he's accepted the challenge or what, but he cannot stop. His mind is made up that he's going to wear me down, and I do believe he'll keep going until I finally just kill myself to keep him from bothering me anymore. I mean, last night proved that this is a guy who isn't above plying me with cheeseburgers and ice cream. Sneaky bastard.

And then I think back to those two nights we spent together in the lodge. Holy hell, that guy's got a monster cock, best I've ever had. I'd never tell him that, but it's true. And he's one helluva lover. He knows exactly what he's doing, and how that's possible, given all the years he spent in the slammer, I don't know, but he really does know his way around a woman's body. Just thinking about it makes me so fucking horny that I can barely―

"Ms.Baldwin? Did you hear me?" Kimberly, the physical therapist, is staring at me like I'm mental.

"Uh, no. What did you say?"

"I said, we've got to work on your flexion and extension for your knees. Do you want to use the rowing machine, or would you rather do something else?"

"I'd rather do anything else, honestly."

"Yes, ma'am, I know, but we have to do it. I know you hate it."

"Hate is such a weak word. Loathe. Despise. Abhor. There are so many more powerful words that describe it, don't you think?"

"Ms.Baldwin, please. We've only got twenty more minutes, and I won't see you again until Thursday."

"Then let me go back to my room and read. I promise I won't bother you again for the rest of the week."

She rolls her eyes. "Oh, you're a funny one, Ms.Baldwin. Very funny."

"Yes. I am. Ha. Haha. I'm going back to my room now. Thank you, Kimberly. It's been an excellent session." I just get up and start out the door.

"But Ms.Baldwin…" I don't wait to hear whatever else it is that she's going to say because I really don't care.

By nine o'clock, I've had dinner, a shower, and I've watched the only three shows we can get on the TV here, since we don't have cable. And Bear's never shown up. That's weird. Maybe I finally managed to run him off. I might as well go to bed. Nothing exciting's happening here. Nothing ever does.

Unless a patient codes. And then at least we get to hear beeping.

Bear

It's bright. So, so bright. I hear people talking, but I can't open my eyes enough to see anything, just the brightness. And my head hurts. I'm going back to sleep…