Chapter 8: Colt

I didn’t want to admit it, but being friendly with Austin was better than being angry at him. It took up a lot less energy. It was nice. I was learning more about him and his life away from the ranch. Learning that he was a game developer was a surprise, even though I remember seeing him draw, when we had our summer together. I had always begged him to show me, but he never did.

“So what’s the plan for the big day?” Austin asks.

“You know the plan?” Wondering why Austin is asking about the festival. We had been working on the schedule together.

“Not the festival, Christmas Day.”

Oh, that day. To be honest, I hadn’t really thought about it, or truthfully, I had been avoiding thinking about it. This was going to be my first Christmas on my own, and I had no idea what to do.

“Not sure yet,” I say, hoping that Austin will drop the subject.

“I would’ve thought you’d have the entire day planned out. Like the festival. Nine am get up, open presents. Eleven, start cooking dinner.” Austin is smiling as he reels off the list.

“I am not that regimental.” But in truth, I am.

“Tell me that I’m wrong.”

I open my mouth to tell him, but know I can’t. “Shut up.”

“Well, my parents are planning to come back for a few days, hopefully,” Austin replies. “I think they’re going to try and make it for the festival.”

“That will be nice.”

“If you don’t have any plans, come and have Christmas with us,” Austin adds.

“Umm.” I’m not sure how I feel about this. Christmas with Austin and his parents sounds like something a couple would do, and even though I have joked about our recent kiss, we are better off as friends.

“Sorry. I’m sure you’ve already made arrangements. I was just thinking out loud,” Austin adds, talking faster.

“Austin. I have no plans,” I tell him, I think because I’m feeling a little sorry for him. “This is my first Christmas without anyone to celebrate it with.”

“No family?”

“My dad was an only child. So….” I could’ve sworn he knew this, but then again, I could be wrong. I can’t really remember many of the conversations we had when we were younger.

“What about your mom’s side? Any aunts and uncles there?”

I really don’t want to get into this conversation with Austin. I don’t want him to feel any pity for me. But I get the feeling he isn’t going to let the subject drop.

“I have no idea. When I was little, I remember my mom telling me that her family wasn’t very nice. I think I had asked her about my other grandparents, but I never got the full story. So, there was only Dad’s side.”

“Oh Colt. I’m sorry.”

“Austin, it’s okay. My grandparents did their best, and I had Gran, Pops, and the ranch.”

I really couldn’t complain too much. Yeah, I had gotten a bum deal losing my parents so young, and it made me grow up quicker than I should, but it also made me the man I am today. I cherish the memories that I have.

“Well, in that case, there will be no argument. You are having Christmas with us. Come over on Christmas Eve. We can do carols and hot chocolate around the fire. Like Gran did.”

“Austin. I’m sure that I’m going to be okay on my own.”

“No. This is what friends do. But I might need to ask for your help with some cooking. My mom and dad, bless them, but yeah they couldn’t cook like Gran. Your food is always so good.”

“So that’s it,” Smiling over to him, taking my eyes off the road for a second. “You only want me to come over so I can cook dinner.”

“No. I would want you there anyway, you cooking dinner is an added bonus.”

“Bonus,” I laugh.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I will think about it,” I say, but I already know that, come Christmas Day, I’m going to be at the ranch house cooking dinner. Because it sounds infinitely better than staying on my own.

“Thanks.”

Silence descends in the truck, and I thought it might feel a little awkward, but it’s actually really nice. Austin might not realize that he’s doing it, but he’s humming along to the Christmas song on the radio. Which makes me smile.

A part of me had been dreading the road trip. Yes, things had gotten better since my breakdown in the field, not my proudest moment over the last few weeks, but sitting in close proximity, is a whole other ball game altogether. But it has been fun.

“Oh, I love this song,” both Austin and I say at the same time, as Austin turns up the radio.

I sit and listen as Austin sings along. His voice sends goosebumps over my skin. It’s so smooth, and velvety, and when the song ends, I wish I could play it again, just to hear him sing some more.

“You have such a good voice,” I say, when the song ends. “I thought I was the only one that loved that song.”

“You’re kidding. Bing Crosby and David Bowie. It’s magic. I think it might be my favorite Christmas song.”

“Mine too. There is just something about their voices together.”

I can’t help but smile over at Austin, and when he looks over to me and gives me a smile in return, I try to ignore the little skip that my heart gives at seeing it. No. I won’t go there again. Austin and I are destined to be friends. I need to remember that.

“So, what are some of your other favorites?” Austin asks.

“Oh, there are too many, but one of my other favs is a song by a British band,” I start, and out of the corner of my eye I see Austin shift in his seat.

“Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade,” he exclaims loudly.

“How the hell do you know that song?”

“A few years ago, I had to travel to London for a meeting with a gaming company in December. That song must have been playing in every shop I went into.”

“It’s so….” But suddenly I can’t find the words to explain this song. I wasn’t expecting him to know it.

“Happy and Christmasy,” Austin finishes for me.

“Yeah. That’s it.”

“Next time you come over, I will play my Christmas playlist. Let’s see how many songs you know.”

“I bet I know more than you think. That trip to London was an eye opener. Don’t get me wrong, they still played Micheal Bublé and Mariah Carey, but it was nice to hear other songs.” Austin pauses for a moment. “But how the hell do you know about it? I hadn’t thought you’d left the ranch.”

“Ummm.” I’m not sure if this is going to be one of those awkward conversations considering our history. “I was sort of seeing a British guy for a while. Nothing serious. He introduced me to them.”

“What, long distance, or something?”

“No, he was traveling in the US, we had a little fling while he was in the area, and then he moved on.”

“Oh.” And I think he sounds almost disappointed.

“Austin, I hope you didn’t think I was some kind of thirty year old virgin.”

“No, of course not. Well…” Austin starts but his voice trails off and I burst out laughing.

“Oh my God. Austin. Seriously?”

“Oh come on. Give me a break. I kept you on a pedestal. You were Colt. I didn’t want to think of you with someone else. It kept you as mine, always.”

Well shit, what the hell do I say to that? I can’t go and say that I did the same, because I didn’t. When I eventually got over Austin, I went out and had some fun.

“Sorry Austin, but you’re going to have to take me off that pedestal. I have calmed down now, but I think I was what you would call a player. I never wanted a serious relationship. Just fun.”

“Do you still want that?” Austin asks, and suddenly I’m not sure I want to continue this conversation.

“No,” I tell him honestly. “I want what Gran and Pops had. Maybe one day, but at the moment the ranch comes first. When I meet a man that can accept that, I will be happy. Until then, I’m happy being single.”

Austin goes quiet on me after this, and now there’s an awkward tension in the truck, one that wasn’t there earlier. I knew talking about relationships was going to be a bad idea. I need to figure out a way to get this back onto a lighter topic.

“So, I’m guessing you have traveled quite a bit, doing the games. Been anywhere else during Christmas time?” I ask.

“I’ve traveled, but London was the only place that I traveled to at Christmas. The developers always want to get the games released close to Christmas to maximize sales.” Austin adds, but his voice has changed. I want to kick myself, but neither of us can change the last fifteen years.

“Austin,” I ask, gently. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” he replies, but there is more behind that word. “It’s just that part of me wishes I had been there. Been your first for everything, not just kisses.”

“But you weren’t. I thought you were never coming back, so I eventually moved on.”

“But I’m back now. We kissed. It was epic again.”

“Austin. We are better off as friends.” Even as I say the words, I’m not sure I believe them. I said I had moved on, but had I really? In the back of my mind, I always wondered what Austin was up to. Had he met someone, had he settled down? Most importantly, was he happy?

“Friends.” Austin says back to me, but I don’t think it’s in confirmation, more like he’s trying the word out.

We don’t say anything more, but at the next bend in the road, I see the Christmas tree farm ahead of us. It’s all lit up, and looks like a giant Santa grotto. Hopefully this will cheer Austin up, and get us off this subject.

“Look,” I say, glancing over to him. “Up ahead.”

“What the…”

“Welcome to the Christmas tree farm,” I say over to him.

Pulling off the main road, I drive up the dirt road, pulling into a parking lot. Every year, getting the trees had been my favorite task, and even after the tense conversation in the truck, I was glad that Austin was here, too.

“Colt,” A voice sounds behind me.

“Holly.” I go over to her and pull her into a hug. “So good to see you.”

“You, too. I was so happy to hear that you were still doing the festival. Sorry about Pops, he was a good man.”

“He was,” I confirm. “Holly, let me introduce you to Pop's grandson, Austin.”

“Hi,” Holly says, reaching out her hand to him.

“Austin is taking over the ranch and likes fake trees,” I say, and Austin's head snaps in my direction, before looking over to Holly.

“Fake trees!” Holly exclaims and turns to me. “You brought a heathen to my farm and now expect free trees?”

“I, um,” Austin states, nervously. “I’ve never had a real tree before.”

Holly and I burst out laughing at the look on Austin’s face, and when he realizes that we’re teasing him, he mumbles something under his breath, that sounds very much like ‘I hate you’.

“The trees are this way,” Holly says, as she leads us over to a pile set aside for us. Holly and her family have always given us the best trees, they said it was for a good cause and saves them from going to waste. Plus, it helps that we’ve been friends for years, too. As always, they look lush and green, and I can already smell them, that rich pine smell you can only get from freshly cut trees.

“Oh my God, they smell so good,” Austin states.

“Told you,” I say, giving him a smile.

Austin walks over to the pile and runs his hands over the netted trees, and I can’t help but smile, watching him.

“I approve,” Holly says, coming over to me. “He’s cute.”

“Shut up, Holly. We’re just friends,” I say.

“Then stop looking at him like you want to devour him.”

Before I’m able to answer her, she’s walking over to Austin, and talking to him about the trees, and you can just see from Austin’s reaction that he’s listening, paying attention and loving every second, and I can’t help but smile again. Because Holly is right, he is cute.