Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4

T hat Sunday, the church was empty when Serena sat on the bench in front of the piano at the front. Her fingers itched to play since it had been over a month since they'd last touched the keys. But her hand still ached when she thought about it, and after all, hadn't she decided that she'd never play again? That had been her intention. Still, she sat there and stared at the ivories in front of her and listened to the tunes in her head from the music she remembered as she lightly touched the keys with her right hand.

The front doors of the church opened with a bang, and Serena shot up from her seat. One of the young women who were about the same age as her came rushing in and collapsed into the first pew without looking up at Serena. The girl didn't seem to take notice of her standing there at all. Her face was buried in her hands as she cried.

For a long moment, Serena was unsure what to do, so she waited to see if anyone would follow the girl into the sanctuary. When no one came, she wondered if she should leave the girl alone with her own tears or if she should say something consoling. Young children, Serena could deal with, but her contemporaries were people that she had very little experience with. What would she say? Would she sound vapid or insensitive if she said something at all? Normally Serena wouldn't even talk with the girl.

Even though she'd spent over a week at the orphanage, she'd not spoken much to the girls her own age. She'd spoken with the matron and the nuns who helped in the orphanage, and of course the young children that were placed in her care, but the other girls closer to her age? Not so much. They'd not taken much interest in talking with her either. Serena didn't even know this young girl's name, though she'd likely heard it a time or two. It seemed like unimportant information at the time, so Serena hadn't bothered to remember. That was what Johann had taught her. Remember the names that mattered and don't worry about anyone else. Now, Serena wished that she'd taken more time to remember. She thought the girl's name started with a "P." Was it Penelope? Or maybe Phoebe? Patience? Prudence? Something similar, to be sure.

Still, Serena didn't feel comfortable speaking with her if she couldn't even be certain of her name, so she attempted to sidestep the girl in the pew and walk down the aisle to take her leave. But just as she made it past, the girl lifted her head. "Sister?"

Heart in her throat, Serena froze. Then she swallowed and turned around. "No, sorry. It's just Serena."

The girl cast her red-rimmed gaze upon Serena and nodded, and then reached out toward her. "Would you sit with me for a minute?"

Not knowing what else to do, Serena nodded and sat next to the girl in the pew. "Are you all right?" she asked.

The girl shook her head, tears spilling over her bottom lids. "I don't know what to do."

Still not knowing what the right thing to say was, Serena asked, "What's wrong?"

Then the girl started balling, her words came out a blubbering mess, and Serena couldn't understand her. Her pitch was high, and the girl was almost squealing at times and then mumbling at others. After speaking for a few seconds, the girl swiped at her eyes and took a deep breath. "I need to make a decision."

Could Serena tell the girl that she didn't understand any of what she had said before? Honestly, she didn't know what to say or do in this sort of situation, but she remembered what her grandmother had said to her when she was faced with a tough decision when she was young. "Whenever you don't know what to do when faced with a decision, choose one in your head. If you think the situation through after you made that decision, and you feel regret, then you should choose the other one. This way it forces you to think through your choices to the outcome before you make up your mind. And if you regret the first decision, at least you have a chance to make the other still."

Tilting her head, the girl looked at her with eyes wide. "That's better advice than I was expecting from one of the sisters. I thought for certain that they would just tell me that the sisterhood was the best decision, no matter the reasoning."

Serena blinked. Since she'd arrived back at the orphanage, she had been considering joining the sisterhood herself. Even though she was barely coming of age, she was already considered a spinster by some accounts, since many of the girls in the orphanage went off to be married as young as fifteen or sixteen. But that wasn't really something that Serena had considered at such a young age. The girl with her now was about the same age as Serena, herself though. "So, you're considering the sisterhood? Is that what you're torn about?"

Slowly the girl shook her head. "It's not just that. Sister Mary Katherine got a letter from her cousin who is a pastor's wife in Indian Territory. There's a man there who is in need of a wife who is willing to care for a child that is not her own. He's a cowboy on a ranch, too."

Serena blinked but didn't say a word.

"I'm the only one of the girls who is of marrying age, so the sister asked if I would want to accept the man's proposal and move out west. But I'm not so sure. The children I take care of here are older, and I'm not used to infants, and it could be a difficult one to care for. And what if I don't get along with the husband? What if he's a horrible man, an ogre, and wants to run my life? What if the ranch gets attacked by natives? I… I don't think that I can consider such a thing. But I'm coming of age, and I can't keep relying on the orphanage for my care." The girl looked at her in a manner that felt a little accusatory.

Swallowing back the bile that had risen up in the back of her throat, Serena asked, "What if none of those things happen? What if he's a kind man and the child is easy to care for? And with a ranch that's been established for a while, they've probably already worked out treaties with the Indians around so there's little fear of attack."

The girl shrugged and shook her head. "Maybe."

Serena had never been one that was wishy-washy. She liked it better when people made firm decisions, and that at least was one thing that Johann had done very well. So, she asked the girl, "What will you do then?"

"When I do as you suggested, and think about becoming a stranger's wife out west, I feel the regret that you talked about. I don't want to do it. I like it here in the orphanage, and don't really want to leave. When I think about choosing the sisterhood, I feel at peace with that decision. I guess my heart already knows what I want to do." She smiled a bit through the tears. "Thank you for your help, Serena."

"Pearl?" a voice called from the back of the rectory.

The girl shot up a glance toward the back and stood quickly. "Coming," she called out and rested a hand on Serena's shoulder, squeezing it as she dashed away toward the back of the building.

For a moment, Serena sat there with her hands in her lap and watched the girl go. Then she steeled herself and began to stand when she saw a piece of paper laying on the pew. Frowning, she picked it up and found that it was the letter that the girl was referring to. It was from a Mrs. Slocum who described in greater detail the situation as the girl had described in brief.

A door closed nearby, and it spooked Serena because she'd been reading something that didn't belong to her. Feeling guilty, she shoved the letter into her pocket and rushed out of the rectory. She'd find that girl, Pearl, and return the letter to her. It wasn't right for Serena to hang onto it, but for some reason that was just what she wanted to do. One of the nuns met her in the hallway. "There you are, Serena. Could you help me? It's about time for the babies to wake from their naps and some of them are going to need nappie changes."

With a smile, Serena nodded and then followed the nun to the nursery. Once finished, Serena sat in a rocking chair holding one of the youngest of the babies to feed with a bottle of goat milk while some of the other children played with toys on a mat nearby. Humming one of her favorite tunes, she loved how the child settled in her arms and almost fell back to sleep. After the little one had finished the bottle, Serena walked around with him, patting him gently on the back until he burped. Then she set him on a mat nearby the other children and sat and played with a small rattle for the boy.

"Serena, could I speak with you a moment?" the matron asked as she stood in the doorway of the nursery.

Something about the way that the matron's eyebrows scrunched made Serena take pause. Had she done wrong? Her heart jumped a little in her chest as she stood. She hadn't had a chance yet to return the letter to Pearl. Could that be what this was about?

Once she met the matron at the doorway, she said, "Follow me," and then led her down the hall. Mrs. Jones was a widow and the only lady in the orphanage who was not a nun, and she did the supervision. When they reached her office, Mrs. Jones held the door open for Serena.

The moment she stepped toward the doorway, she froze. Standing there in the office was Johann Weber. Serena's stomach twisted, and she immediately felt sick and full of fear. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to enter the office. But just then, Mrs. Jones set a warm hand on her shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Everything will be all right," she whispered.

And that small gesture gave Serena the fortitude she needed to step into the office. Her hands fisted at her sides, causing a bit of pain to course through her left one. That helped her turn her fear into a modicum of anger. She glared at Johann, but nodded in greeting. "Mr. Weber."

"Darling Serena, there you are. I've been searching for you for days. I even put an advertisement in the newspaper. I was shocked when Mrs. Jones answered it to let me know that you were well and here back at this awful place." A sneer curled the side of his lip, but he did his best to rein in his expression again, as he always did with that false smile.

But Serena still felt defensive. "This is not an awful place. I happen to like it here."

He huffed a laugh. "Surely not. This place is for children and women who have no other place in society. You do have a place to go—by my side. And I want you to return to your position."

The icy fingers of fear took hold of her heart, and she wanted to freeze again, but instead she shook her head slowly. "I won't."

His shoulders fell a little in mock defeat as his eyes turned sad, but she knew it was also an act. "You can't still be angry with me, darling, can you? I apologize for my little outburst. It was an emotional day for me and I took it out on you when I shouldn't have. I promise not to do that again." He offered her a hand. "Please forgive me and come back. It doesn't matter to me whether you're able to play the piano or not. I just want you to return to me. I… love you, after all."

Lies. All of it. She could tell that it was almost painful for him to say those words, but she knew in her heart that he meant none of it. She just glared at him, unwilling to lift a finger or say a word in return. When Mrs. Jones set her hands on both Serena's shoulders, she nearly jumped, as she'd forgotten the matron was even there. Mrs. Jones said in a peaceful, calm voice, "I believe you should give Serena time to consider your words. She doesn't seem ready to come to a decision on what you've offered just yet."

Anger flickered through his eyes, but he put on that false smile once more. "All right, but surely she'd still rather come with me than remain here in your care. I wouldn't want her to be a burden to anyone."

Mrs. Jones laughed and waved a hand in front of her face. "Oh no, Serena is no burden at all. She's rather helpful. It's no trouble for her to remain here until she comes to a decision about what she'd like to do."

Johann's hands fisted at his side as his jaw set. "She is not autonomous. She is still a minor and as her guardian, I am the one who makes decisions for her, and I feel—"

"I'm sure you have many feelings, Mr. Weber," Mrs. Jones said, interrupting him.

His face turned red as his jaw snapped shut and it looked as though he was grinding his teeth. In all the years that Serena had lived with Johann, she couldn't remember a single time when someone had interrupted him.

"But," Mrs. Jones continued, "I know you want what is best for Serena, whatever that might be. As such, she will remain here until she makes that decision for herself. After all, she is only a couple weeks away from coming of age, and I'm sure that if you want to take this matter to court, the judge won't be able to even make a decision in the matter faster than Serena can turn eighteen."

Johann's eyes widened a bit as he came to terms with what the matron had said. "Then you're saying that you will be keeping her then, regardless of my feelings in the matter?"

Slowly, Mrs. Jones nodded. "As long as she wants to remain. I suggest that you look again at the contract that you signed when you adopted Serena. You'll find that she has sanctuary here if she's in fear of her guardian's abuse."

"I'd never lay a finger upon her!" He blinked with indignation.

"Ah," Mrs. Jones said, putting up a finger. "But if she fears it, that's all that really matters. What say you, Serena? Do you fear Mr. Weber might abuse you?"

All eyes upon Serena, she felt relief as she nodded.

"There you have it," Mrs. Jones said with finality as she stepped forward and gently took hold of Mr. Weber's upper arm and began to guide him out of the office.

"Wait. I never meant for her to fear me. I promise that I would never lay a hand upon her. I am not a violent man, and I take offense that someone would suggest that I am."

"No one is accusing you of being a violent man, Mr. Weber."

A bit of relief smoothed the tension of the wrinkles in his forehead. "Good, we wouldn't want for word to get out that I ever would even consider abusing Serena. That wouldn't happen would it?"

"Of course not. Provided that you are willing to leave her in our care until she's ready to make the decision to return to you on her own," Mrs. Jones said as she continued to lead Johann out of the office and shut the door behind them, leaving Serena a moment to breathe alone in the room.

Though she could barely hear Johann's response through the heavy oak door, she could tell that Mrs. Jones had the upper hand in the situation. It wasn't but a moment later when the door opened again, and Mrs. Jones entered.

The matron smiled up at Serena as she gestured to one of the office chairs and then made her way around the large desk to have a seat on the other side. Serena did as she was asked. Then the matron folded her hands in front of her and interlocked her fingers. "Well, I suppose that this means that you and I should have a discussion. When you first came, I could tell that you were having difficulties. I wanted to allow you to speak about them on your own when you were ready, but it seems that we're running out of time. If Mr. Weber contacts a lawyer who has connections with a judge, he could call my bluff and have you back in his care as early as tomorrow or the next day if he's determined."

Serena's heart sank toward her stomach, and tears stung the backs of her eyes. "What can I do?"

Slowly the matron shook her head. "I'm not sure. I wish that I could give you some advice to avoid the problems at hand, but I really can't. If you were already of age, things would be a bit different. You would have the ability to make your own decisions. But as of now, you are at the mercy of your guardian's choices. If you had a family member still alive or someone else who could care for you in the meantime, there might have been some hope, but I can't see how to solve this issue."

"Couldn't I join the sisterhood? Wouldn't you have to send me to a convent if I did?" Serena asked.

Creases formed in the matron's brows. "You shouldn't make the choice to become a nun so lightly. It's not something you should do because you are trying to run away from your problems. A commitment to Christ is the same as a marriage. You can't back out of it if you decide it doesn't work out. It's not as though you can get an annulment."

Serena tilted her head. "What's an annulment?"

"It's when a marriage is declared invalid, so that it's as though it never happened."

"It's not the same as divorce?"

"Absolutely not," Mrs. Jones said, shaking her head. "Annulments are granted by the church, but divorce is still something that God has declared that He hates."

Serena's mind was reeling. "So, if I were to get married, and things didn't work out, I could get an annulment?"

Mrs. Jones looked at her for a moment with a questioning glance. "I'm not sure what you're thinking, but annulments aren't easy to get either. There'd have to be an agreement between both parties, the bride and the groom, and the marriage would have to remain unconsummated. And it's possible that the church would grant the annulment based upon the fear that you have present from an outside source that is forcing you into the union." Then the matron waved a hand in front of her face. "But all this is neither here nor there. Unless you have someone willing to marry you today or tomorrow, with a stipulation of annulment, this is just conjecture. Not to mention that it would be best if you left Atlanta, if not Georgia entirely in order to avoid Mr. Weber's clutches."

Slowly, Serena took the letter from her pocket and placed it upon the desk. "Is there any way that I could leave the state first and then get married when I arrive there?"

"What's this?" Mrs. Jones asked as she picked up the papers and pushed up her spectacles before reading the letter. "Where did you get this?"

Serena shook her head. "I happened upon it when Pearl was in the rectory. I intended to return it to her, but she'd already said that she'd decided not to become the man's bride. Is it possible that I could become his bride instead?"

Mrs. Jones blinked at her and then looked over the letter again. The creases in her brow deepened. "Getting into marriage, with the full intent to get an annulment isn't going to help this man with his problem. It would only make it worse."

"I understand that. I don't intend to get an annulment, but I do feel some comfort in knowing that one is possible if I'm entering another abusive situation."

Slowly, Mrs. Jones nodded. "I see. All right then. I will talk to Sister Mary Katherine to see if we can get in touch with this Mrs. Slocum right away. It's possible that if we can get hold of her by telegram and make arrangements, we could have a wedding by proxy and then get you on a train to Indian Territory before Mr. Weber can return with a court order. It would take a few days or more for you to arrive in Indian Territory, and I will stall Mr. Weber as to your whereabouts for as long as possible. My goal would be that he would not be able to reach you until after you've come of age. Even though you're of legal age to be married, there is some argument as to whether you can do it without your guardian's permission. Still, it's best if we act fast."

"Right," Serena said, standing at the same time as the matron. "I appreciate it so much that you're willing to do all of this for me."

A small smile spread across Mrs. Jones's lips. "It's my calling, sweet child. I'm here to do the Lord's work—to do my best to make sure that each of the children that He places in my care are loved as best as I can before they go out into the world." Then she heaved a great sigh. "All right. You get back to your duties, and I'll get started on making this happen as quickly as possible."

"Thank you," Serena said again in a barely audible whisper, feeling a weight lifted from her shoulders as Mrs. Jones ushered her out the door. Even since she'd arrived at the orphanage, she'd not felt such hope in her future. She'd simply been avoiding her problems up until now. But this felt different. It felt as though she were finally making decisions about her own future, a future that didn't involve Johann making all of the decisions for her. With a light step, she returned to the nursery.