Chapter six

Zander

Ipace back and forth in front of Ronny's camper, nerves licking my stomach and making it hard to think about anything other than Cooper, Martin, and Carlos being gone. Everyone else seems fine. They can hold their nerves better than me. Maybe that'll come with time. Well, if I'm around long enough to get used to the feeling.

I shake out my fur, trying to get my racing heart under control. I've only known these people for a short amount of time but already, I'm worried sick as I wait for them to return.

"I can't believe I'm waiting here while the guys are out there investigating this without me," Jeff says, carefully moving a grate over the fire to start making lunch. My stomach gives a lurch of hunger that I pointedly ignore.

"Now you get a taste of how I feel every hunt," Ronny says with a snort and something inside of me releases. Oh. I hadn't even thought about the fact that Ronny usually stays here. I'm filled with relief all the way into my bones. I take a breath before beginning my pacing again.

There's something coming over me. Something I don't want to put a name to. My body doesn't feel right. It feels irritated and sensitive and like my skin is far too tight. I feel restless.

"How do you do it? I just wanna run after them and make sure they're okay."

Ronny shrugs. "Just think about it like an office job. You've delegated this task to one of your underlings."

Jeff makes a face. "I hate that."

"I knew you would," Ronny says with an amused chuckle.

Axel comes out of his camper holding Lily and JJ comes padding behind. Ever since meeting Lily, my son has been attached. I've never seen him around another baby before so I didn't realize the way he would absolutely fall in love. Every night he comes to bed, telling me all about what he and Lily did. Thankfully, Axel and Jeff don't seem to mind him tagging along behind them.

Last night JJ tried s'mores for the very first time. The way his face lit up with excitement was rewarding, even if the extra sugar meant bedtime was a bit of a struggle.

My entire body goes warm. These people have already accepted us. They protect us. They care. I do my best not to get my hopes up.

Just because Ronny is my true mate doesn't mean anything, not when the majority of the people here are a tight knit hunting crew.

I dig my claws into the dirt beneath me, taking my built up frustrations out as best as I can. I hate this feeling. It's the unknown that's bothering me so much. I just don't know how Ronny feels, I don't know how these people feel, I don't know why I feel so fucking irritated today, and I don't know how the guys are doing that left. Gods, I hope they're okay.

JJ steps over to me and I weave myself around his legs, rubbing against him and marking him with my scent. "Are you okay, Papa? You seem upset."

Of course he noticed. I chastise myself, never wanting JJ to worry about me. It's my job as his Papa to take care of him, not the other way around. I let out a meow, letting him know I'm okay before going back to weaving myself between his legs, making him giggle. It's a good way to get all this access energy out of me that's seeming to build up out of nowhere.

Eventually, JJ grows bored of this game and heads back over to Axel and Lily. I'm left to my own devices once more which in this case, means my brain spirals back into anxiousness. I leap up onto the RV, laying down and watching the group around the fire. From here I have a good view of everyone.

My eyes leap over to Ronny, watching him work. He's got his laptop in his lap, writing something out. I watch his fingers skim across the keys. They're long and thin and work effortlessly. They tap away and I find myself growing warm all over in a less than innocent way.

Gods, what's gotten into me?

I don't even feel like myself right now. I feel out of control, like my brain can't focus on one thing before bouncing to the next thought. Yet, I keep coming back to Ronny. Watching him, smelling him, thinking about him. I want him.

I want him so fucking badly.

But it's better to realize that I can't have him now instead of letting myself hope. Hope makes it easy to be hurt. Hope makes you vulnerable. Being vulnerable isn't worth it, not after everything I've been through with John.

"You doing alright up there?"

My eyes snap down, finding Ronny standing there looking up at me. When did he even move? He looks worried. Great. I've managed to not only worry my child but also Ronny as well. Fuck, maybe I should just go for a walk so I can stop bothering everyone around here.

I give him a meow I hope translates into telling him that I'm fine but the look he gives me lets me know he's unconvinced. I shake my head, stretching my entire body out and meowing again. I carefully jump down with his help, bumping his leg with my head.

"I know you're worried about the guys but trust me, they'll be fine, Zander."

I bite Ronny's jeans, tugging on them for a moment playfully. He smiles down at me and relief so strong it threatens to force my shift hits me. That's when I realize that I could shift again. My paw is feeling a lot better, good enough for me to be walking around on two feet instead of four.

The realization makes me freeze. Do I want to shift? On the one hand, of course I do. I want to be able to talk to Ronny and meet him as a man. I want to be able to hug JJ. But a small part of me is terrified. Things with Ronny are nice. He pets me and talks to me. But that's because I can't talk back. What if he sees me in my human form and stops having that easy camaraderie with me? What if everything changes once I shift?

I shake my head, doing my best to clear my thoughts. I bite Ronny's leg again before walking away, looking back at him so he understands.

"Oh, umm, are you going for a little walk?" I nod at him. "Okay, but if you're not back in 30 minutes I'll come looking for you, okay?" I nod again and if I could smile in this form, I would be grinning from ear to ear. He cares about me.

Gods, I hope that care lasts while in my human form as well.

I make my way down the path, finding the bathrooms. I look around, making sure no one is near before leaping up into the open window and crawling inside. The bathrooms leave a bit to be desired but they're to be expected for a campground bathroom.

I make my way into one of the showers. I stand there a moment, my mouth opening in a pant. Fuck. My body is so hot. I'm overwhelmed. Everything is too much. I can't stand being in this form another moment!

The shift hits me all at once. One moment I'm standing on four legs, panting and overwhelmed, and the next moment I'm on two feet, leaning against the shower wall.

I quickly turn around and close the shower door behind me, locking it up tight. Sweat drips from my forehead and my hands shake as I carefully turn on the water.

Something pings at the back of my head, something that should be glaringly obvious but I'm just not putting it together.

I've felt this way before.

My stomach sinks as the pieces begin to fall into place. I've felt this way before right before I went into heat, right before I got pregnant with JJ.

Fuck. I can't believe this is happening. I can't even ask my true mate to help me with this because he's human. Would he even understand? Would he even want to help me with my heat? I'm so completely and utterly fucked and not in the way I so desperately need.

I turn the water to cool, letting it wash over me. I let it wash over my head, running my fingers through my hair to keep it out of my face. It feels so good and the only thing that would make it better is if Ronny's thin, lithe fingers were wrapped around my--

"Zander?"

My entire body tenses and my ears pick up Ronny's footsteps. A whimper leaves my lips without my permission, letting him know I'm here.

Everything is growing fuzzy and I'm finding it harder and harder to remember why asking Ronny to get into the shower with me is a bad idea. It couldn't hurt, right? He is my true mate after all.

Right?

Gods this is suddenly so complicated. I let out a shaky breath and resolve to having this conversation and hoping somehow, Ronny can understand.