34. Maddox

Chapter 34

Maddox

What did I just do?

I'd let my temper get the best of me and potentially ruin the best thing to ever happen in my life. And for what? Because I couldn't separate myself from the game?

I was an idiot, and Bristol had called me out on it.

But she wasn't wrong. I hadn't let go of my career. And it was holding me back. Keeping me from giving myself to her fully.

Every cell screamed at me to run after her, but I knew she'd push me away, and rightfully so. I couldn't snap my fingers and erase the hold hockey had on me. I was a competitor and always would be. I craved the high of winning so badly that it cut me deeply when we lost. I saw the team's failures as my own.

Watching her walk away was the first time I realized something mattered more. Hockey might've been my first love, but Bristol was my forever. I was sure of it. She would still be there when the game I loved became a distant memory.

I had to fix this. But I wasn't quite sure how .

You embarrassed her in front of her colleagues, so it's only fitting they hear your apology.

At the end of the day, Bristol had only been doing her job. Maybe if I hadn't been so stubborn, thinking I knew this team better than anyone else, I might've listened when she told me that moving around Ford was the key shift to setting the ship to rights.

Adapt or die. That was the bottom line. The game was constantly changing and evolving, and if I didn't adjust to change with it, the Speed were dead in the water. What worked in the past wasn't guaranteed to continue working in the future, and Bristol had seen that with the Banks and Booker D pairing.

It was time to take a step back and recognize that nostalgia and the "good old days" were holding me hostage.

Stepping up to the podium, I brushed sweaty palms against my track pants. The room had descended into silence the moment I entered, with multiple glares of disdain directed my way. They all knew I'd been an ass last night, and I wasn't sure what I was about to do would be enough to salvage any semblance of respect they might've held for me prior to my outburst.

The only person I was silently begging to look at me kept her eyes cast down, hands twisting in her lap. Alyssa reached over to give her a reassuring squeeze, and I was glad Bristol had made enough friends amongst her peers that they had her back over mine. Not that I thought anyone should have taken my side; I'd been firmly in the wrong .

Clearing my throat, I drew the attention of the room. "Let me start by saying I will not be taking questions today." A murmur went through the crowd as that was highly irregular. "Instead, I have prepared a statement."

I pulled a piece of paper from my pocket before unfolding it and smoothing the creases as I laid it across the podium. It was all for show; the words were burned into my memory, having stared at them for hours throughout the night.

"First, I would like to issue a public apology to Miss Cooper for my behavior after last night's game." A flash of copper caught the corner of my vision, and I noticed her eyes trained on me, a mixture of shock and sadness in their blue depths. I held her stare as I continued, "The transition from player to coach has been difficult. My retirement was forced upon me due to circumstance rather than by choice, and I've struggled to come to terms with that. My frustration over the loss and my inability to cope with the fact that I can no longer make a direct impact on the ice was misdirected at Miss Cooper. I was firmly in the wrong for lashing out at her, and I can only hope she will accept that I deeply regret my actions."

Her eyes grew glassy, but she dipped her chin in acknowledgment.

"Next, I would like to announce that I will be taking a step back from coaching."

There was a rumble of shocked voices throughout the room, and I knew they were itching to ask questions, but I'd already stated I wouldn't be taking any.

"This is not a permanent departure as the Speed's head coach, but instead, a temporary leave of absence while I take the time to properly sort out my place in the hockey world, as I failed to do so during my injury recovery before jumping straight into coaching. It's something I need to do for myself and for my family." That final word was aimed right at Bristol, so she'd know how important she still was to me. She was, without a doubt, my future, the woman I wanted to create a family with.

"Assistant Coach Ethan Byer will take over as interim head coach in my absence. The timeline for my return is unknown at this time. Thank you."

There was a commotion behind me, everyone shouting out questions as I left the room, ignoring them.

I was halfway down the hall when the heels clicking sounded behind me. Pausing, I closed my eyes, waiting for her to catch up.

Bristol stepped past me, turning so we were face to face. Her nervousness was obvious by how she chewed on her lip instead of speaking. It twisted my gut knowing I'd pushed her away when all I wanted to do was wrap her in my arms and hold on for dear life. She was the only thing anchoring me when my life had spun out of control. And I'd gone and ruined it.

"Um." She took a deep breath. "That was something."

I lifted one shoulder. "It was a start. Not nearly enough."

Her pink lips folded inward in thought. "Giving up coaching is a big deal."

"You were right, Bristol. I need to give myself some space away from the game to sort out my life. To become the man who is worthy of you."

She let out a heavy sigh. "I never said you weren't worthy."

"You might not have, but it's true just the same. It wasn't right for me to put you in that position. To expect you to fill the void in my life. You deserve to be my life. And I need to get my head right so that something like last night never happens again."

"Okay . . . so what does that mean? For us?" Her voice wavered, and it pierced my heart to know that she was on the verge of crying.

Allowing myself the tiniest bit of comfort I didn't deserve, I cupped her cheek, relief washing over me when she leaned into my touch instead of pulling away. "I hate that I hurt you, baby." One hot tear leaked from the corner of her eye, searing my palm. "And I am so sorry."

"I pushed too hard," she whispered. "I shouldn't have kicked you while you were down."

I shook my head. "No. You're not to blame here. You don't get to apologize for my mistakes." Her lashes fanned her cheeks as her eyes slid closed, and she nestled into my touch.

Here comes the hard part.

"But I need to take some time for me." My throat burned as I forced myself to say the words.

Blue eyes snapped open, welling with fresh tears as she begged, "No, please, Maddox. Don't leave me."

"It's not goodbye," I vowed. "Believe me, I couldn't let you go if I tried."

"Then why?" Bristol's voice grew thick as her emotions took over.

Stroking my thumb over her cheek, I wiped away the moisture. "I'm doing this for us. So, I can be a better man for you." Closing my eyes, I pressed my forehead to hers. "I just need a little time."

A sob worked its way up from her chest, and my heart twisted painfully, making it hard to breathe.

"Didn't we already learn this lesson? Let me help you. You don't need to do this alone."

She had a point, but unlike her past, mine was ever-present. I couldn't run away from it. I needed to take a good, hard look in the mirror and decide who I was, and when I figured that out, I could only hope that she still wanted me.

"I love you, Bristol. And I swear, as soon as I figure this out, I'm running right back into your arms. That's a promise. "

Tipping her chin up with my fingers, I dusted a soft kiss over her lips—praying it wasn't the last time—before I stepped around her trembling body and walked away.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Jared McCall asked from the doorway of my office as I packed my things, not sure when I would return.

I peeked at him from where I shoved a framed picture of Bristol and me at the holiday market in Hartford into a cardboard box. "It's not about what I want anymore, Jared. It's about what I need. Don't pretend you didn't see how I went off on her. I was way out of line."

He cringed. "Yeah, I won't sugarcoat it. If you'd gone off on Alyssa, I would've had to suspend your ass."

Scoffing, I shot back, "Should've done it anyway. The fact that I'm seeing Bristol makes it ten times worse."

"It's not for me to insert myself in your domestic situation."

I rolled my eyes. "So much for your ‘keep it professional at the rink' spiel. What I did was the furthest thing from it. I took out my aggression on the woman I loved. There have to be repercussions for that. In that tunnel with her microphone on, she's no different than any other reporter. I lashed out because I took her question too personally. Therefore, I need to step back and evaluate my mental state before I can continue being an asset to the team. End of story."

"How long do you think you'll be gone?" Jared folded his arms over his chest as he leaned against the doorframe .

"Don't know. Not sure it was the right thing to jump right into coaching. I should've taken some time off first. I thought it would help, staying close to the game, but maybe I was wrong. It might be too painful."

Jared hummed. "I can't tell you how to feel, Maddox. Your frustration is valid; no one enjoys losing, especially how we have been as of late. But for what it's worth, I do think you're a good coach. And if time away from the game is what you need, then take it. Your job will be waiting for you when you're ready to return. You belong with the Speed."

The Speed had been my family for so long, but it was time for me to grow up and realize that while they would always hold a special place in my life, my heart belonged to someone else.

Ding dong.

I shoved off the couch, where I was only half focused on the late-night game between Seattle and San Francisco. The Speed had played earlier and looked sharper, managing to win their second straight game in my absence. It had me wondering if perhaps I was the problem, as Bristol had suggested.

Brushing crumbs off my chest from the bag of chips I'd demolished while watching hockey, I strode to the door.

Turning the deadbolt and twisting the doorknob, I found Jenner and Braxton on the other side.

Not bothering to invite them in, I turned and walked back to the couch, throwing over my shoulder, "You're a little late for the intervention. I hit rock bottom days ago, boys. "

My two best friends came inside, closing the door and taking a seat on the opposite couch.

Jenner leaned forward on his elbows. "We gave you a week. It's time to pull yourself together."

Had it only been a week? It felt more like a year. Time dragged without Bristol by my side.

My tired eyes shifted to Braxton, who leaned back in his seat, arms folded. He'd warned me to stay away from Bristol, but I wouldn't listen. He didn't want to see her get hurt again, and I'd been so arrogant, thinking I would never do that.

With too much time to think, I'd come to one conclusion. "She deserves better than me." My voice was scratchy from disuse after days of only my thoughts for company.

Braxton shrugged. "You're probably right. But that doesn't mean she doesn't love your stupid ass."

Jenner chimed in. "You gotta figure your shit out faster because I don't think my ears can handle any more of her singing sad love songs at Pipes." He shuddered. "She's really bad, man."

I chuckled, the memory of her up on that stage so fresh in my mind. "Yeah, I know."

Blowing out a breath, Jenner said, "Look, I've watched the woman I love walk away because I couldn't bear the thought of her hurting a moment longer. If I had the chance to do it all over again? There's no question that I would have done anything to make her stay. Pain is a part of life; you can't protect her from that. It's out of your control. If you let her go, there will always be a gnawing ache inside your soul, knowing you should have fought harder. Learn from my mistakes. Go get your girl."

For the first time, I understood his pain. I felt for him when his marriage fell apart, but I didn't truly understand what he was going through. I'd never loved someone, couldn't comprehend the agony of losing the one person who made life worth living.

But now I did.

I just hoped it wasn't too late.

Standing, I bolted for the door, grabbing my keys as I shoved my feet into my shoes. With my hand on the doorknob, I halted, turning around.

"Any idea where I can find her?" I asked Braxton.

"She's been on my couch for days. That's the first place I'd look." He gave me a tiny nod of acceptance, and I didn't waste any more time, rushing out the door and into my SUV.

The rest of my life started tonight.