21. Bristol

Chapter 21

Bristol

Watching my best friend get engaged was so special. I was beyond happy for her, but I couldn't help but be a little bit sad for myself.

What if I never found that kind of love?

The silly, na?ve girl I used to be had thought she'd already found it. Only to be proven very, very wrong.

Maybe I'd made a mistake somewhere. Men thought they could take advantage of me because I liked sex. Was that really so terrible? Did that make me less valuable than any other girl? I'd heard all the stories about girls with a stick up their ass who wouldn't put out. Guys seemed to hate it. But then there was me, who was admittedly easy, and they didn't want that either.

What the hell did they want? Whatever it was, I needed someone to tell me because I was tired of feeling this way—like I wasn't good enough to earn a decent man's love.

Before I knew it, tears were burning behind my eyes, and I knew I had to get out of there before I ruined Dakota's big day for the second time with my emotional baggage. My vision blurred as I murmured, "Excuse me," to those standing between me and a door that led onto the massive back deck.

The cold December air was a shock, and I gasped but pressed on, even as I shivered with no coat. Closing the glass door behind me, I was finally alone.

Alone. That seemed to be the theme surrounding my life these days.

Nix had cast me aside, which was fine—I was better off. But Maddox keeping me at arm's length stung. He'd made his intentions clear, then flipped a switch, saying I wasn't ready for what he had to offer.

The more time I had to think about it, the more it seemed like he was really saying that he didn't want to deal with the messy parts of me, the broken shell of a girl trying to put her life back together. He was only interested in a version of me that I wasn't sure would ever exist—a strong woman who wasn't overthinking everything in an attempt not to be hurt again.

The first tear slipped down my cheek, and I didn't bother wiping it away. Maybe letting them loose would cleanse the bad energy surrounding my life.

Why couldn't I catch a break? Why couldn't I be unapologetically me and have a man love me for it? It didn't seem fair.

Life's not fair.

I knew there was more to life than being on the arm of a man. I had a career, one that I loved. So, even if I did find "the one" someday, I wouldn't give it up. Maybe my need to be loved came from reading about it daily in Dakota's books. Those men were incredible, but perhaps the cynics were right—maybe they did set unrealistic expectations.

"Bristol, you're shivering." Maddox's voice sounded behind me, concern bleeding into his tone .

Great, this is just what I need. Him finding me in another moment of weakness.

Hands gripped my upper arms, spinning me around. Rubbing vigorously to warm me, he abandoned that idea and ripped off his suit jacket, still dressed from the plane ride to Hartford.

"Here, take this," he offered, placing it over my shoulders.

I peeked up to meet his tortured green gaze, and a fresh wave of pain shot through me. He was gorgeous and kind, but I wasn't good enough for him. At least, not in his mind.

"Thanks," I muttered, dropping my eyes to the ground.

His fingers gripped my chin, not allowing me to look away. "What's wrong?"

I swallowed. "Nothing."

Maddox let out a heavy sigh. "It's not nothing. You're out here in the freezing cold without a coat, crying right after your best friend got engaged."

"Would you believe me if I said I was crying happy tears?"

"Nice try."

Closing my eyes briefly, I said, "It's stupid."

He shifted his hand to stroke a thumb over my cheek, wiping the tears away. His voice softened. "No, it's not. Talk to me, Bristol."

Eyes fluttering open, I could almost convince myself he was being genuine—like he really did want to hear my inner thoughts and fears—and I might have, if he hadn't used my insecurities as an excuse to push me away.

With nothing left to lose, I said the words aloud. "I'm so happy for them. It's just . . ."

Maddox nodded in understanding before finishing my sentence. "You wish it were you. "

"Yeah." Shame coursed through my veins at being selfish on my friend's big day. "I'm sure you think that makes me a horrible person."

"Of course not," he said. "It's a natural human emotion to be envious, even of those closest to you."

Suddenly, I was tired—tired of the push and pull between us, the constant switch between hot and cold. I needed to know where we stood so I could move on with my life, one way or the other.

Sighing, I asked, "What are we doing, Maddox? You said you didn't want to play games, but it feels like we are anyway."

He tucked a piece of hair that had blown into my face behind my ear. "What do you want to be doing?"

I huffed. "Right there. More games." I tried to pull away, but he held firm, keeping me in his arms.

Maddox searched my eyes. "You know what I want."

"Right." I rolled my eyes. "You want me to snap my fingers and erase all the bad things that came before."

"No. I thought I was doing the right thing, giving you space, but I know now that was the last thing you needed. I should have offered to carry your burdens instead of expecting you to shoulder them alone. And I'm sorry that I wasn't a better man for you. I never meant to hurt you."

A lump lodged in my throat when he pulled me against his chest, offering comfort. I held him tight, needing an anchor, overwhelmed by his words of apology and understanding.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he whispered against the top of my head.

"Honestly?"

"Always. Please."

I took a steadying breath, preparing to lay my soul bare to the man holding me close .

"I'm terrified I'll end up shattered again. I don't trust my own judgment anymore."

The silence stretched between us, and I started to mourn a relationship that had never gotten the chance to properly form.

But then he took a half step back and captured my face in his hands.

"Those are valid concerns. And I can't make any promises. Life is unpredictable. There's no telling what external forces might threaten to tear us apart down the road. But what I can do is tell you how I feel."

I blinked up at him, nearly holding my breath, awaiting his next words.

"You're not the only one who's scared. I find myself searching for you in any room I enter. It's easier to breathe when I know you're near. I've never felt such a strong connection with anyone, and it doesn't make sense how I could share it with you almost instantly. That night at the bar, I was drawn to you. Every cell in my body screamed for me to get closer. That morning after we were together, I fought the urge to leave my number, even when I so desperately wanted to. I wanted to respect your wishes, but the thought of never seeing you again killed me. It was a shock and a relief to see your beautiful face only hours later in that press room.

"The universe put you in my path not once but twice. There must be a reason it keeps throwing us together. How about we stop trying to question it?"

He really felt that way about me? That we were somehow meant to find each other out of the billions of people milling around on this Earth?

Still trying to wrap my head around his conviction, I couldn't help but tease, "You never struck me as the type to believe in fate."

"I'm not." A smile curved on his handsome face. "But I'm not going to ignore the signs that some force greater than us believes we belong together."

"Maddox? "

"Yeah, love?"

"I think you better kiss me now."

A relieved sigh split the still of the night. "With pleasure."

Unlike all the other times we'd locked lips—where it was frenzied as we raced toward the ultimate goal of sex—this time, Maddox took his time, savoring the moment. His forehead pressed to mine as his hands gently caressed my cheeks. Our breaths mingled as our mouths drew so close that I could feel the phantom brush of his lips.

I let out a shaky breath of anticipation. I didn't want to rush this moment; it felt bigger than us, like our lives were about to change forever.

Maddox's lips ghosted over the corner of mine as I clung to him, threading my fingers through his hair, not urging him closer, just holding on for dear life.

One brush of his lips. Two. Then a third before our mouths fused.

I parted for him instantly, but Maddox was in no rush, acting as if we had all the time in the world. The tenderness of our kiss made me dizzy. No one had ever kissed me like this, just like they'd never put my pleasure first in bed.

The evidence was mounting that Maddox was different. In so many ways.

He tugged my lower lip between his teeth, and I moaned, pressing my body flush against his. I could feel his erection pressed to my belly, and I rubbed against it as the ache grew between my thighs. I was desperate for more.

Maddox dragged his mouth along my jaw, teasing the skin of my neck with his teeth. I shrugged the suit jacket away, bordering on overheating. That gave him access to my shoulder, bared by the neckline of my sweater.

"Fuck, Bristol. You're a goddamn dream come true." His breath was hot in my ear as he whispered those words .

Looping my arms around his neck, I hitched a leg around his thigh before grinding against it. Maddox took the hint, sliding his hands over my ass to grip the back of my legs and lifting, pulling me into his strong arms.

I was jostled slightly as he carried me across the length of the deck. I gasped when my back met with a freezing cold stone wall but groaned when Maddox pressed closer to pin me against it, the ridge of his cock lining up perfectly between my open thighs.

Fuck it. I didn't care where we were. I needed him now.

"Please, Maddox." My breathy voice betrayed my desperation.

"What is that you need, love?" His hands drifted up from my waist to brush the swells of my breasts.

"You." I sucked in a sharp breath when he tweaked a nipple. "Please."

He let out a low chuckle. "You look so pretty when you beg."

I moaned, my head lolling back against the side of the house. He was teasing me, and I was ready to combust.

Two can play at this game.

"I bet I'd look even better on my knees with your cock in my mouth."

"Jesus Christ," Maddox hissed. A hand tangled in my hair, forcing me to meet his gleaming green eyes in the moonlight. "Maybe later, baby."

That was the last thing he said before his mouth slammed onto mine, and all traces of softness vanished. His tongue demanded entry, battling mine with practiced strokes, setting me on fire. His grip on my body grew punishing, skirting the line of pain, but I didn't want him to stop.

His cock strained against his fly as he ground against me, sparking the flames that grew hotter with each passing minute. I was fairly certain if I didn't have him inside me soon, I would die. That's how badly I needed him.

"Bristol? Are you out here? Oh shit. My bad." A familiar feminine voice broke through my lust-induced haze, and I froze .

Maddox had the same reaction, breaking the kiss and turning his head to glare at whomever had interrupted us.

I tracked his gaze to find Hannah standing five feet away with a "cat caught the canary" grin on her face. Of all the people to find us like this.

She gestured a hand toward where Maddox still had me pressed against the side of the house. "I see we've moved past the denial stage. Please, proceed."

With both hands anchored on my waist, Maddox slid me down his body until I was set on my feet. My legs were unsteady, so I held onto him to make sure I didn't collapse and embarrass myself further.

"Shame." Hannah clicked her tongue in disappointment.

"What do you want, Hannah?" Annoyance laced Maddox's tone.

"Apologies again, lovebirds. The bride-to-be was searching for her maid of honor, and I thought I spied her sneaking out onto the deck."

Shit. Dakota was looking for me? And in an official wedding capacity? I could already imagine the girls were pouring over their calendars, trying to find a date that worked best for the ceremony.

That was the reminder I needed to snap me back to reality.

"I should go," I whispered, stepping out of Maddox's arms.

"Bristol—" Whatever he was going to say died on his lips, and he let me go.

When I got close enough to Hannah, she lowered her voice. "Did that feel as hot as it looked?"

I blew out a heavy breath, murmuring, "Oh yeah."

"Well done," she praised as I headed for the door.

From behind me, I heard Maddox mutter, "Always a pleasure, Hannah."

"Oh, I know." Her resulting laughter tickled the back of my brain, reminding me that even if they hadn't taken things as far as Maddox and I had, there had still once been an attraction, and even now, there was a familiarity between them.

Would there ever come a time when the idea of there being "other women" didn't bother me? I sure as hell hoped so, or I was screwed.

Maddox had offered to share a ride back to the hotel, but the girls had begged me to stay behind and join them in their post-party girls' night. When he rubbed at the center of his chest, his eyes swimming with the uncertainty of leaving me behind, I was reminded of his words on the deck.

"It's easier to breathe when I know you're near."

Had he really meant it? Was it truly painful for him when we were apart?

And then there was the biggest question of them all: why me?

Guys knew I was down for a good time, so they never took me seriously, but now, here was this seemingly mature man who wasn't shy about sharing how deeply he cared about me.

Honestly, I didn't know how to react. This was all so foreign to me.

Reluctantly, Maddox gave me a sad smile, nodding as he accepted my decision, and told me he'd see me tomorrow at Comets Arena.

The minute the door shut behind him, Hannah pounced, demanding, "All right, spill."

Dakota's brows drew down in confusion, even though the permanent glow of happiness never left her bright eyes. "What are you talking about?"

Hannah's lips curved into a wicked grin. "You want to tell her, or shall I? "

I groaned, throwing back the contents of my wine glass. I held it out for a refill, and Natalie was quick to pour me a healthy serving before offering, "You know, it's better if you share the details yourself. Hannah has a habit of embellishing for dramatic effect."

Placing a hand to her chest in mock indignation, Hannah huffed, "I would never!"

Lucy snorted. "Yeah, okay."

Hannah bit into her lower lip to hide a smile. Holding her index finger and thumb close together, she admitted, "Fine. Maybe just a little." She spared me a glance, adding, "But our young friend doesn't need any help in that department. Isn't that right, Bristol?"

When I glared at her, Dakota snickered. "I remember a time when you were sooooo jealous that I was friends with Hannah. You're definitely getting a lesson in being careful what you wish for." She pointed a finger in Hannah's general direction. "Forget secrets or private moments; Hannah's all up in your business. And as you've already learned, moving halfway across the country doesn't slow her down."

Hannah tapped an impatient foot. "We're waiting . . ."

I took another too-large sip of wine. "It was no big deal. Hannah happened to catch Maddox and me making out on the deck earlier. That's all."

Dakota's blue eyes widened. "Wait. He finally broke?"

"Not exactly." I still wasn't sure what to make of his confession.

Lucy held up her hands, halting any additional questions. "Does this have anything to do with me shutting down Arabella Reign for you?"

My free hand flew to the bridge of my nose, pinching against the headache beginning to form. "Yes."

Hannah jumped in. "Oh, please tell me you gave him a private little lingerie show and then got down on your knees to pray to the altar of his hot-as-hell body. "

"If only." I scoffed.

"It didn't go well," Dakota explained.

"Correction: it started off great, but nobody got a happy ending—if you know what I mean—and I ended up taking my own car back to the hotel for some alone time. By the way, Lucy, you're so smart for adding sex toys to your storefronts."

Lucy beamed with pride. "Thanks. But I'm confused. You were prancing around, wearing next to nothing, and he didn't pick up what you were putting down?"

"He started to. I mean, a crotchless teddy is hard to resist. But then he put a stop to things when he remembered that I'm still dealing with the demons left behind by Nix."

Sympathy shone in Natalie's warm brown eyes. "I'm sorry."

I waved a hand. "It's fine. Guess it's what I get for letting him use me for so many years. I'm paying for it now."

Hannah's lips twisted in thought. "This doesn't make any sense. He rearranged Levi's face because he said or did something to you in that karaoke bar in Indy. Maddox wasn't keen on learning that's who your ex was, but still. He's seriously punishing you for getting sucked in by a sleazeball who had no problems bragging about how he was using you?"

I averted my gaze as shame burned at hearing her say everyone knew what a fool I'd been for staying with Nix. I could only imagine what these women must think of me, especially since they were all happily attached to good men.

The other redhead in the room, Amy, raised her hand. "I've got this one. Only because when I was too close to the situation myself, I couldn't see it for what it was." Her green eyes, almost as vibrant as Maddox's, met mine. "He's trying to protect you. Am I close? "

Stunned, I stared at the group before me. Their tight-knit reputation was something to be coveted, but until this moment, I hadn't been able to appreciate how each of them came with a different perspective wrought from life experiences that made them a valuable asset when you felt your life was crumbling.

"Uh, yeah. That's exactly it," I said in a daze.

Dakota crossed the room, plopping down beside me and looping an arm around my shoulders. "Crazy how, no matter what, someone knows how you feel, right?"

I huffed out a laugh. "It's kinda freaky."

Liv had a sleeping Theo tucked against her chest. "You'll get used to it. Took me a minute."

Amy gave me a knowing smile. "Does he think he'll hurt you? Is that why he's keeping his distance?" The way she said it made it seem as if that had been the hangup with her husband.

"No." I shook my head. "He thinks I need space to sort out my shit."

Her eyebrows rose. "He said that?"

I shrugged. "Not exactly. I think he's worried he's gonna end up being my rebound from Nix, and he wants more. I believe his exact words were, ‘I'm happy to wait until you've shed the past'."

Natalie sighed. "So that's what Jaxon was talking about."

"Excuse me?" I was lost again.

"He mentioned something about Maddox not understanding that past trauma isn't easily overcome, especially not alone. They must've had a chat at some point."

The pieces clicked into place. "That tracks. When he followed me outside, he apologized, saying he should have offered to help carry the burden instead of sitting on the sidelines."

"So, you two are good now?" Dakota hedged .

"Maybe? We shared this really great kiss that someone interrupted." I slid a side-eye to Hannah, who didn't show any signs of being apologetic. "And I think he was upset when I didn't leave with him. I don't know where we go from here."

My best friend leaned her head on my shoulder. "I think when we get home, the two of you really need to talk. It seems like you have pieces of conversations but never a full one. Don't become one of those couples who think they can read the other one's mind. It never ends well." Humor filled her voice. "And people hate a miscommunication trope. Believe me."

That got me to laugh, and I hugged her. "You're right. Thanks for setting me straight."

When we pulled back, she smiled. "Maybe someday, I'll be the maid of honor in your wedding. Or matron. Is that how it works?" She looked to the other ladies for clarification.

I shoved at her shoulder. "Let's get through your wedding first, okay?"

She smirked, admiring the beautiful diamond ring gracing her left hand. "Fair."

Tonight, my emotions had been all over the place, but for the first time since moving away from Hartford, I felt hope.