Chapter Nineteen

Lizzie

L izzie had thought her muscles couldn't possibly get any more sore than when she was traveling with Kai across Eukarya.

Then she started working in the palace kitchens.

Her arms were sore and screaming from all the continuous scrubbing and from lugging heavy pails of water to and from the well. Her hands, which had just finally healed, were now red and chapped again. Her back and feet ached from long hours of standing, and even her dignity was suffering, as the kitchen staff who had once served her during her visits now bossed her around the kitchen.

She didn't mind, really. Her curse helped keep the bulk of the humiliation at bay, and she was practical enough to recognize that her station had fallen, and that was that. She was a minstrel's wife, which meant that she needed to work like a minstrel's wife.

To her surprise, Lizzie found that she actually liked the work. There was something so satisfying about scrubbing a dirty pot until it shone, about taking something used and dirty and making it sparkle again. It was hard work, but she was the one doing it. And after growing up in her father's home, where her entire value was tied to what others were willing to part with in order to claim her, being able to make her own way was immensely satisfying.

Her days fell into a predictable—if tiring—rhythm. She rose early with the sun, bade her husband farewell, and walked to the kitchens where she worked until sundown. When she returned to their cottage, Kai was usually gone, preparing to perform until the late hours of the night. He would return, whisper goodnight, and take his blanket to the front room to fall asleep in front of the fire.

It wasn't until the first week was nearly over that Lizzie had a disquieting realization:

She missed her husband.

She tried to ignore it, shoving the feelings down and keeping her hands and body busy. But she found herself wishing for his crinkle-eyed smiles, his quiet laughter, and his ready jokes. The flowers he left for her every morning were not the same as being in his steady, thoughtful presence. They had spent nearly every waking moment together on the road, but now that they were back in Kysta, she rarely saw him.

On the night before her first full day off, Lizzie sat in front of the fire and waited. The hours ticked by and the fire in the hearth died down to glowing embers. Still, Kai did not come, and Lizzie was left alone with nothing but the sound of the crashing waves and her own conflicting thoughts.

This is silly. What am I doing? It's just as likely that Kai is already resenting the fact that he was forced to marry me and is purposefully staying away. Encouraging these feelings now will just lead to more heartbreak later. Besides, I wanted this, didn't I? I wanted him to leave me alone. That's why I told him about my curse. I wanted to drive him away, just like I did with Freddy.

No feelings, no pain. This is what I wanted.

It was becoming harder and harder to convince herself.

Kai returned just as her eyes were starting to drift shut. "Eliza? Is everything alright?"

She turned her head, watching his shadowy form approach. He knelt in front of her chair, a line of concern creased between his eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she answered stiffly. "I was just waiting for you to return."

His concern turned to a grin. "Did you miss me?"

Yes.

"No. I just worry about you keeping such long hours. It's not good for your health, and I would prefer not to be left a widow before a year is up."

He picked up her hand in a rare show of affection and turned it over, pressing a scratchy kiss to her palm. She steadfastly ignored the butterflies that pounded against the ice, begging to be let free. A few made their way up through the cracks, pushing them farther apart.

"I'm sorry, Eliza. They're preparing for an event at the palace, and it's requiring me to do some extra work."

"An event?" She had heard of no such thing down in the kitchens, which she expected to be the first place to begin preparing. Though, now that she thought about it, there had been a great deal more whispering and secretive looks over the last few days.

"It will be over after tomorrow. Oh! That reminds me—Mrs. Pearce asked if you would be willing to come in. I know it's supposed to be your day off, but she said they could use an extra pair of hands. You don't have to worry about going in right at dawn, but midmorning, if you want."

It's not like I have anything else to do, and it sounds like Kai will be busy, anyway.

"Alright."

His eyes crinkled as he smiled. He squeezed the hand he still held. "You're pretty amazing, you know?"

"Because I'm not taking a day off? I assumed that was called overworking."

He chuckled. "No, though I do admire your willingness to help. And your humility and readiness to learn new things. Your work ethic. Your intelligence and curiosity. You're amazing just because you're you, Eliza." Kai paused and looked down as he laced their fingers together. When his eyes met hers again, they were bright with emotion. "And it's why I love you."

She froze. "I can't love you."

"Your curse won't allow it, I know. But it can't stop me."

Freddy was getting married.

Freddy was getting married.

Lizzie barely registered the look of sympathy on Mrs. Pearce's face as she broke the news. Of course, the housekeeper had known her before, back when Lizzie was Princess Eliza of Nedra and not Eliza of the Sudsy Dish Water. She likely guessed that the news of the Kystan prince's upcoming nuptials would be painful.

Was it painful?

No feelings, no pain.

She shouldn't be surprised, after all. She had rebuffed Freddy time after time and made it quite clear that she did not want a future with him. Why would it be any great shock for him to be looking for a wife now? She was certainly off the market herself, as her father had gone behind his back and married her off to the minstrel who would likely be performing at his wedding.

Oh.

That could be awkward.

"If it's too much, dear—" Mrs. Pearce began, graciously giving her a way out.

She blinked. "No. No, it will be fine. Just tell me what you need me to do."

Now that the cat was out of the proverbial bag, it seemed that no one in the kitchen felt the need to keep their speculation to themselves.

"Do you know who it is? Have you seen her?"

"Nobody has. It's all quite sudden, too. I bet it was love at first sight; a whirlwind romance.

"I heard that he's brought some foreign princess in, but she's terribly shy."

"Ha! That's a far cry better than the last one." The soup chef didn't realize that Lizzie was standing behind her. "At least this one will have a heart and won't make our poor prince pine after her like a lovesick puppy. Finally forgetting that ice queen was the best thing our Freddy could do."

Some of the other girls were staring at her with wide eyes, likely waiting for her to say something. Lizzie just shook her head and collected the dirty dishes.

She's right. It's the best thing for Freddy.

Lizzie kept her head down and her hands busy until sunset, when Mrs. Pearce sought her out. "You're free to go, dear. The ball is starting soon, which means that things will slow down in the kitchen. Thank you for your hard work today."

She summoned one of her court smiles. "Of course, Mrs. Pearce. It was my pleasure."

After the housekeeper left, Lizzie dallied around the kitchen a little longer, washing a few final dishes and scrubbing a spot or two from the floor. She found herself dreading the thought of going back to the dark, empty cottage.

The air was cool as she stepped out, and music from the ball filtered on the breeze. It reminded her of a similar night, not even a year ago, when she had walked in on Freddy's arm. Hadrian had been there, too, with his pet project on his arm.

She heard the sound of a lute joining the other string instruments.

I wonder if that is Kai? Is he playing for the ball? Will he stay and dance?

The thought of Kai dancing with someone else was too much. Her emotions were a wild storm, pounding and banging against the barrier of her curse. Regret and pain and grief and loss and loneliness were fighting for center stage, and with every emotion she punched back down, another slipped through. The ice was cracking, and she could do nothing to stop it.

She squeezed her hands into fists and walked quickly, her breathing fast and shallow as she fought against her feelings. Lizzie had wandered into the garden, pulled in by the music and memories, and now in her heightened emotional state, she struggled to remember her way back.

Lizzie kept her eyes down as she walked. She turned a corner, abruptly running into a hard chest. Two arms reached out to catch her as she stumbled, and Lizzie looked up just long enough to see a head of short blonde hair and a close-cropped beard.

Freddy.

"I—I'm so sorry, Your Highness." She managed to pull off a passable curtsy, thanks to her muscle memory. "I wasn't watching where I was going. Please forgive me." She turned, quickly, and started back in the direction she had been coming from. "Oh, and congratulations on your wedding."

A warm hand caught her wrist, stopping her with a jolt. A quiet voice spoke her name.

"Lizzie."

She had been attempting to tug her arm free, but at the sound she froze.

That's Kai's voice.

His blue eyes were glued to her as she turned around.

Kai's blue eyes.

Freddy's hair.

No, those were Freddy's eyes.

"Freddy?" she whispered, her voice cracking with confusion.

"Lizzie," he repeated. His eyes crinkled with those familiar lines as he smiled.

"But you're…I don't…how…?" She started and stopped several times. "You're getting married tomorrow."

The confusion was starting to give way to panic as her mind started putting the pieces together. Kai and Freddy were one and the same, but if Freddy was getting married, what did that mean for her?

"Technically I'm already married." He tugged on her hand, pulling her closer until he could reach both. "But you never made it to the ceremony."

Her brows drew together. "What are you saying?"

"The wedding tomorrow is your wedding, Lizzie. I want to marry you…again." He paused for a moment, then added with a wink. "I'm really hoping that the third time's the charm."

She was falling apart from the inside out. Her knees buckled, and she would have fallen if Freddy had not grabbed hold of her elbow and led her to a nearby bench. He helped her sit, lowering himself to a spot near her.

"But…you…I don't love you."

"I know."

"I can't love you."

"I know."

Why is he being so infuriatingly patient! Doesn't he understand that he gets nothing out of this?

Anger and grief on his behalf bubbled just below surface, second only to the fear that she would love him and find herself betrayed.

"Freddy, I cursed myself ."

"I know," he repeated softly, brushing the hair from her face with an agonizing tenderness. "And I know why you did. Every example you saw of love was a broken one. You saw your father's love that came with abuse, and your mother's love that was rejected. We were fifteen, Lizzie. You knew me, but you didn't know how I would treat your heart. You had no way of knowing if I would cherish it or destroy it. You were afraid—afraid of what it meant if you were loved, and afraid of what it would mean if you weren't."

He took her hands, wrapping his fingers gently around them. "But just because you're cursed doesn't mean I am, Lizzie. I have loved you since the moment I first saw you smile, though it was a different kind of love then. I loved you as a young boy with nothing but a dream for the future, and I love you as a man in complete awe of the battles that you have faced and won. I will continue to love you, every hour of every day, until you realize that you can trust me with your heart because I will keep it safe. I'll keep you safe. And then we'll figure out a way to break your curse and I will love you until my dying breath."

The last bit of ice around her heart cracked and fell away, and tears filled Lizzie's eyes as she finally allowed herself to accept a truth that she long since kept buried out of fear.

She could trust Freddy.

She did trust Freddy.

He was as reliable as the sunshine, showing up even when she couldn't see him through the clouds.

He had been there through her childhood, through the ten long years of their engagement. Even when she pushed him away, he still kept showing up. He was there on the worst night of her life, and he had traveled across the continent and back again, all for the purpose of bringing her there, to that moment.

A tear trembled at the corner of her eye, glinting silver in the moonlight before rolling down her cheek for the first time in more than ten years.

"I love you, Freddy," she whispered. "I think I always did, even when I forced myself to forget. I do trust you." Once the first tear started, it was as if the floodgates had opened.

Freddy drew her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead and wrapping his strong arms around her shoulders.

And Lizzie cried.