12. Kushiel

Kushiel stared at Cassius, whose head was bent over a schedule, checking the coverage for the next week. His brown hair was tousled as he continually ran his hand through it while he worked, and Kushiel found the habit rather endearing.

Kushiel's hand still felt warm from where he'd touched Cass, although he knew that was in his head. He itched to touch the human again. Cass's skin had been warm and soft, and Kushiel had felt a pulse of… something when he'd laid his hand on Cass's bare skin.

Desire. He had felt a pulse of desire. He couldn't lie to himself about that.

There was something amazingly attractive about knowing that someone saw you for who and what you were and still accepted you. Cass had only ever shown him acceptance and kindness, despite his shortcomings.

It was almost a relief knowing that he didn't need to hide the darker parts of his job from the human. Cass hadn't rejected Kushiel because of his fallen status or the darkness that surely resided within him. After all, Kushiel's skin was gray and his hair and wings were black. He was no shining angel, yet Cass was so wonderful to him.

Yes, the demons treated him equally, but he was always conscious of a divide between them, even if they never acted like there was. He wasn't a demon, although sometimes he thought his life would be easier if he was.

Seeing a lesser demon out front with a human had driven that point even further home, and Kushiel could admit the dark emotion of envy had entered his heart. The lesser demon apparently had a soulmate—surely that's what Cass meant when he said they were "matched up"—and Kushiel couldn't help the jealousy that burst through him.

He had no doubt that Paz was a wonderful lesser demon, and he knew he was not deserving of such a blessing as a soulmate, but he envied the demons who had one. He wished for such a connection, which was silly. Angels did not have soulmates. He didn't know why, but they didn't, and surely if one was going to get a soulmate, it wouldn't be him. There were far purer souls than his.

Kushiel couldn't help the sigh that escaped him, and Cass looked up at him.

"Almost done. Thank you so much for your help with payroll and the budget sheets. I guess you're good at balancing things out," Cass smiled.

Kushiel chuckled at that. "I suppose that is one way to look at it."

Cass chuckled too, but then he sort of stared at Kushiel with a slight frown. "What is it?" Kushiel asked.

Cass looked like he was about to ask something, but at that moment, he suddenly reared back and looked over to Kushiel's left, then he flinched like he was being yelled at. Kushiel wondered if his aunt was back.

"Whoa, slow down," Cass said calmly, then he winced again. He nodded a few times, looked at Kushiel apologetically, then nodded some more at the apparent ghost.

"Yes, yes, I understand… Well of course I can see that it's unfair… I don't know that I'd use the word "murder"..." Cass replied to… whoever, because it didn't sound like it was his aunt.

Cass flinched again after that, and Kushiel figured the ghost must have disagreed. It was almost comical watching the exchange, even though he only got one side of it. Cass had been really good about translating for Kushiel so far, but this seemed to be a high strung ghost from Cass's constant flinching.

"No, no, I don't think haunting someone is really the solution… Well, yes, I see how upsetting that would be… But she wasn't actually the one who killed you, was she?"

That last question was apparently the wrong thing to ask, because Cass flinched, then he looked at Kushiel and rolled his eyes. After about a minute he seemed to reach the end of his patience.

"Listen up. Nope! No interrupting. I understand you're upset, but people move on with their lives, and as painful as it is that your best friend hooked up with your boyfriend, that does not mean that she orchestrated your death."

The ghost must have done some more yelling then based on Cass's long suffering sigh. After another minute he firmly stated, "Enough. You're done. I will pass your concerns along to the appropriate channels, but if I hear about you harassing either your friend or your boyfriend over this, I will send you to the afterlife. Are we clear? Good. Now you are hereby unwelcome from my shop," Cass stated firmly.

Cass breathed a sigh of relief then, looking over at Kushiel. "Sorry about that. No time for translations with that one. She was obviously… distraught."

Kushiel couldn't help the laugh that escaped him, and Cass smiled in response. "Distraught seems like an understatement based on the number of times you flinched," Kushiel joked.

"Yeah. Some people stick around to be ghosts, but they don't realize that means they don't get away from the drama that plagued them in life. Based on some of that ghost's ranting, it sounds like she and the boyfriend were having a tough time anyway, which is probably why she isn't mad at him. She didn't expect that of her friend, I think, and that's why she's so upset. But some people deal with grief in funny ways." Cass shrugged.

"Yes, all the human emotions can cause difficult responses," Kushiel agreed.

Cass nodded in agreement, then stated, "True. Still, I highly doubt anyone murdered her—it sounds like she was in some kind of accident, but I'll have someone look into it anyway just in case. Maybe the ghost is projecting onto her best friend but someone really did harm her. Do you mind if I text my contact now to see if they're available?"

"Of course not," Kushiel responded. "It isn't like we have any leads on the lost souls, as much as it pains me to admit it."

Cass nodded, adding, "Yes, I was hoping we'd have something from Aunt Ro by now. The good news is that after this I can devote myself entirely to you, because the shop will be caught up."

As he picked up his phone and started typing a text, Kushiel had to suppress a shiver. He knew Cass didn't mean that to sound the way it did, but the idea of Cass devoting himself entirely to Kushiel was… alluring.

Kushiel thought of Cass's hand on his arm, the warmth of his flesh, the touch both firm and yet gentle somehow at the same time. He thought of that hand traveling up his arm, sliding over his shoulder, and coming up to rest against his face, perhaps gently cradling his cheek. He closed his eyes, and it was like he could feel Cass's skin against his, and could he be blamed if he thought of Cass then leaning forward and pressing his lips against Kushiel's? It would be gentle at first, his lips pressing firmly…

"Kushiel?" Cass asked.

Kushiel started, his eyes flying open. His hand was on his lips, and he jerkily put his arm down, sitting up straighter in his chair. He almost scoffed at himself; he was the Rigid One of God, for heaven's sake, and here he was getting lost in daydreams like some fledgling angel. They had a mystery to solve and a ghost to help.

"I apologize," Kushiel said stiffly. "I was… distracted."

"That's alright, no worries. They'll be here in like twenty minutes as long as you don't mind waiting."

"Of course not," Kushiel answered.

There was a moment of silence then, and Cass was staring at him. Kushiel was desperate to change the subject before Cass asked what he was distracted by. He certainly didn't want to lie to Cass, but admitting what he was thinking would be… mortifying. Whatever would Cass want with someone like him?

Kushiel cleared his throat, derailing his train of thought, and he asked, "Before we were interrupted, were you going to ask me something?"

"Ah, yeah, I was," Cass murmured before looking down.

Kushiel didn't like seeing him hesitant. Cass was confident and in charge. He said that Kushiel was beautiful, but Cass was truly the beautiful one. He was kind and sweet and competent, and he was powerful and intelligent. Kushiel had no desire to cause him to feel unsure of himself.

"I will tell you anything I can, Cassius. I promise," Kushiel assured him.

"Yes, well, ah, it's just that it's maybe a little personal," Cass responded. "I don't want to trample over any boundaries you might have."

"I would have no boundaries with you, Cass," Kushiel responded. He blushed after he said it, because he realized that he meant it, and he meant it in more ways than Cass could even guess.

Cass smiled at him gently, making Kushiel feel even more… he didn't even know what to call it. Uncomfortable wasn't the right word. It was a nice feeling, but also a scary one. It was like a mix of nervous and happy, and it was strange.

Kushiel cleared his throat then, simply saying, "I will not lie to you. I will tell you if I cannot answer or if I am uncomfortable. You may ask me anything, Cassius."

"I wondered… well, you shy away from touch. I'm not offended or anything," Cass rushed to add, probably because Kushiel felt mortified again, and Cass must have noticed. "It's perfectly fine, but I just wondered why you didn't like to be touched," Cass added.

Kushiel took a deep breath. "I did not mind your touch earlier, Cassius. I… enjoyed it," Kushiel assured him. Cass smiled, but he let Kushiel sort out his thoughts and waited for him to continue speaking. He probably knew there was more to it, and there was. Kushiel had promised no boundaries.

"It is… painful for me," Kushiel started, and Cass looked appalled at that, so Kushiel rushed to reassure him. "Not your touch. Your touch is not painful. You may touch me anytime you like," he rushed out, then he wanted to bang his head against a wall, because he just kept saying suggestive things without even meaning to.

"I'm sorry. I'm mucking this all up," he grumbled.

Cass reached slowly over, resting a hand gently on his arm. "It's okay, Kushiel. Take your time. Anything you want to tell me, I'll be happy to hear," Cass assured him.

Kushiel barely moved. It was like a beautiful and rare butterfly had landed on his arm, and he was afraid if he even twitched Cass's hand would take flight, and he would lose that gentle touch against his skin. He realized he was staring at Cass's hand and looked up, but Cass was again just smiling softly at him,

What had he done to deserve to be in this man's presence? Cass was so thoughtful and lovely, and it took Kushiel's breath away for a moment. He would tell Cass anything he wanted to know. Hopefully it would not make him draw away.

"Hell… it burns. Not for demons, I don't think, but I am not a demon. At first, it was excruciating, but I had a job to do, and I did it. My body was like one giant nerve ending of pain when I was there, although it grew less and less as the centuries wore on. To be touched in hell is not comfortable. Then there is heaven. As the centuries drew on, hell became less uncomfortable, but heaven became colder and colder. To be touched in heaven is like dipping my skin into a bucket of ice water, only colder. It feels like my skin will shatter like a hollow ice cube. So over time I became less likely to seek out touch, and honestly, others became less likely to touch me. I think they all saw my lowered status, and they drew away."

Cass squeezed his arm at that, but he stayed silent and let Kushiel continue on. "In Limbo and here on Earth, touch is not painful, but I was never one to venture topside that often. I had so much work to do in Limbo and on Erebus," Kushiel finished.

"But it can be painful in Limbo, can't it?" Cass murmured, squeezing Kushiel's arm again lightly. "When you are punishing a soul who seeks redemption, it's painful then, isn't it?"

"Yes, I suppose it is," Kushiel admitted.

At that moment Steph yelled out Cassius's name, and Cass looked apologetically at Kushiel. "I think my contact is here. We'll chat more later, ok?" he asked.

"Of course, Cassius. Work comes first," Kushiel agreed, standing up and heading out of the back room and toward the shop to meet Cassius' contact.