10. Kushiel

Kushiel woke, and for a moment he lay in the soft bed, just content to exist. His body didn't hurt or ache, he wasn't burning or freezing, and he felt calm and at peace, although he wasn't sure why. He felt the soul next to him, and the weight of its guilt seemed less than before, which made him feel a sense of accomplishment, even though he'd done nothing but sleep.

It wasn't long, however, before his thoughts took a turn. There were still other lost souls out there, and there was someone plotting against him. He couldn't conceive of how they had even accomplished the task; how had they removed so many souls from hell? He also couldn't begin to fathom the motivation behind it all. He knew he wasn't well-liked amongst angels, but for them to do that to so many souls? It spoke of a level of hatred that Kushiel couldn't conceive of. He had thwarted the plans of an archangel to separate soulmates, but that archangel was no more. Perhaps there was someone who took issue with Kushiel's part in that. If they wanted to go after him, he could deal with that, but it wasn't fair to hurt the innocent.

Or perhaps it was just angelic snobbery. Most angels would argue that the souls in Erebus weren't innocent. Yes, at one point in a mortal existence they had done something terrible. Kushiel did not excuse horrible behavior, but he also didn't think it was beyond fixing.

He believed in redemption. He believed in finding the good in others and helping it to grow. He believed in the ability of change.

It was why he had helped the demons and their soulmates. That was surely one of the biggest changes the afterlife had ever seen, but those demons deserved happiness. They were lucky to have found it, and Kushiel would never begrudge another's happiness and peace.

He thought then of Cassius, and he realized that he could smell coffee and bacon. He should go and see what the human needed from him, since clearly he was awake and moving around. Kushiel felt a little guilty for sleeping past when Cass had woken.

He decided to leave himself in his angelic form. Cassius hadn't seemed surprised when he'd seen Kushiel's form at first, but he didn't want Cassius mistaking him for something he wasn't. Kushiel was self-aware enough to realize that he liked the human, and he would rather scare him off now as opposed to later.

He made his way downstairs, white pants and a white shirt on, even though he didn't always wear a shirt in his angelic form. He followed his nose to the kitchen, where Cass was bustling about.

"Have a seat. I'm fixing breakfast," Cass ordered, not looking up from the stove, and Kushiel did so before he realized he ought to have offered to help.

"Um, would you like some help?" Kushiel asked. Better late than never.

Cass looked up then and smiled softly. There was no surprise or hesitation in the look. Kushiel really didn't understand it.

"Thank you, but it's almost done," Cass said, turning around after that and reaching for two plates.

Cass deftly served them both breakfast, which included eggs, bacon, some type of pastry that was deliciously decadent, juice, and coffee. They ate at the kitchen table sitting next to one another, and Kushiel couldn't help it if he kept stealing glances at the man.

Cass's brown hair was tousled and messy, like he hadn't bothered to comb it after waking up. He was wearing low slung sweatpants and a loose t-shirt, and it was worn enough at the collar that Kushiel could occasionally glance his shoulder and a bit of his chest. There were a few light freckles there too. Kushiel wondered where else Cass had freckles, and then he blushed at the thought. Cass looked over at that moment, and he smiled at Kushiel.

His smile was radiant, and it took Kushiel's breath away. He had never had such pleasure and happiness aimed at him, and he had no idea what he had done to deserve it from this man.

Kushiel turned back to his food, embarrassed and a little confused at the attention. They finished eating in silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable or awkward. Only when they were done did Kushiel speak up.

"Thank you. I cannot ever remember a meal being cooked for me, and it was truly delicious," Kushiel stated, and he was concerned to see a look of sadness pass across Cass's face. He tried to think why, but he couldn't come up with a reason. He hadn't offended him somehow, had he? He didn't visit topside that much, but he thought thanking someone was normal. He hoped he hadn't done something odd, and he felt self-conscious.

Cass interrupted that train of thought, though. "You're welcome. I'll be happy to cook for you anytime."

Kushiel blushed again, and Cass got up and gathered their plates. Kushiel realized he should have done that, but by the time he had that thought, Cass was across the island, leaning on it and staring at Kushiel.

"The ghost is looking better. Can you feel a difference?" Cass asked.

Kushiel took a breath, glad Cass wasn't upset with his lack of human manners. "Yes, it does feel lighter, although it's hard to be sure without being able to see or hear it."

"It still isn't talking," Cass replied. "But I do have some questions, if that's ok."

Kushiel steeled himself for some uncomfortable queries about his appearance, but Cass didn't ask about that.

"Tell me about your job," Cass said, surprising Kushiel.

He felt himself relax. That was easy enough.

"Of course. Well, some of the souls in Limbo don't feel ready to go to heaven. They feel guilt or shame over their actions on earth, whether they ought to or not. They need to work through those things before they can move on. I help them do that," Kushiel shrugged. "I'm like an afterlife therapist," he added, chuckling. He did often feel that way when he was in Limbo.

Cass looked thoughtful, and then he asked, "That isn't all there is to it, though, is there?"

Kushiel felt uncomfortable. He didn't like talking about this part of his job, but he wouldn't hide it from Cassius. That just felt wrong.

"No, sometimes they require mortification of the flesh, or physical punishments," Kushiel answered hesitantly, waiting to see Cass's reaction, but the human only waited patiently, staring at Kushiel. "I don't enjoy causing pain, but I do what's necessary to help them move on, and sometimes they need to feel their emotional pain in a physical manner," he added.

The memory popped into his head of the last time he had punished someone in Limbo. The man had been dealing with such guilt, and he had demanded flagellation. He had chosen a whip, and Kushiel remembered vividly the feeling of the lash cutting into his skin—the bright flash of pain, followed by the sting and heat.

He had borne those marks afterwards for days, although he could have healed them. To heal them felt like cheating, though. If a soul in his care suffered, then so did he. He could not ask of others what he could not bear himself; it was not his way.

Kushiel came back to himself, and Cass was looking at him strangely, almost like the man could see his very thoughts. Kushiel looked down, feeling foolish for getting lost in memories. He rarely thought of the punishments he inflicted; it was far easier not to remember such things.

"It hurts you too, doesn't it?" Cass asked softly.

Kushiel looked up, shocked at the question. No one had ever thought to ask him such a thing. Cass was staring at him calmly, however, waiting for his answer.

"A price must be paid, and I will help pay if I can. It is my job," Kushiel answered.

Cass continued to look at him, and Kushiel had to make the effort not to fidget. It was like the human was looking inside him, and it was disconcerting. He knew he was… tarnished. He didn't wish others to see it as well, but he felt like he could hide nothing from Cassius.

"What about the souls on Erebus?" Cass asked gently.

"Ah. Yes. The ones that are lost. They are not evil, you know. They made mistakes, sometimes horrible ones, in their mortal life. But there is light within them still. By the time they reach Erebus, they are beyond even knowing what they have done. They are a bundle of guilt, shame, and grief, but they do not know why. It is my job to help them break through the darkness, to help their light grow. Eventually, with enough time, they will reach a balance between the darkness and the light, and then they are ready for reincarnation. Sometimes it takes decades or even centuries, but I have sent many souls on," Kushiel answered.

"That must be amazing, to see them have a new chance at life," Cass ventured.

"It is. It is a gift," Kushiel agreed, feeling joyful that Cass recognized it that way. "Many angels and demons don't understand how important it is, how each soul has worth and deserves a chance."

Cass smiled softly, and he slid his hand forward, almost like he was going to touch Kushiel, but he stopped before he reached him. Kushiel fought off his disappointment. Of course, he had flinched from Cass last time, so it reasoned that the man would not touch him. Cass was too kind to make someone uncomfortable.

"Kushiel," Cass murmured, drawing Kushiel's attention away from their hands, so close but not touching, and back up to Cass's face. "How do you help the souls in Erebus?"

Kushiel did not want to answer the question, but Cass was helping him, and Kushiel had no idea what information would be helpful and what wouldn't.

"I… Well, I nurture them. I sit with them, and I support them." Kushiel paused, knowing he wasn't being specific enough. Finally, he admitted, "I give them some of my light and take some of their darkness. I take the pain they are willing to part with and leave hope in its place."

Kushiel expected disgust. His soul was darkened, after all, as was evidenced by his outward appearance. Yet Cass nodded his head, like he had expected that response, and then the man walked over and started cleaning up the breakfast dishes.

It was baffling.

Kushiel opened his mouth, unsure what he was going to say, then closed it again. Perhaps Cass didn't understand.

"I am… tainted," Kushiel finally admitted.

Cass wheeled around at Kushiel's words. He had a fork in his hand, and he pointed it at Kushiel. Kushiel had a flash of regret, but perhaps it was for the best if Cass knew exactly who he was dealing with.

"That's just bullshit. You are not tainted," Cass protested, surprising Kushiel. "You help souls find redemption. Your soul only shines brighter for the selflessness in your actions. You care about every soul in your charge, and you help anyone who needs it. Never be ashamed of that, Kushiel, and fuck anyone who makes you feel bad for it," Cass declared.

Kushiel almost smiled. Cass was so passionate, even if he wasn't quite correct about Kushiel.

It was like Cass heard his thoughts, though, because he said, "You may not believe me yet, but I will make you believe it eventually. You shine, Kushiel, more brightly than any other angels, and anyone who doesn't see that is a fool. You are beautiful, inside and out."

Kushiel felt tears come to his eyes, and he had to blink them away. He could only murmur, "Thank you."

"Obviously some afterlifers have made you doubt your worth. I'm sorry for that, and it isn't right. You're beautiful, Kushiel," Cass reiterated. "And we will find your lost souls and whatever asshole decided to turn them into ghosts and take them from you."

Kushiel felt like discussing that was the safer bet, so he followed that train of thought. "Yes, not all angels might understand or respect my work, but I cannot think of any angel who has such malice to take so many souls from Erebus and harm them in such a way simply to punish me."

Cass hmm'd softly, clearly thinking. He turned and finished putting things away before looking back at Kushiel.

"I see two problems there," Cass admitted. "First of all, you assume it's about you. There might be a host of reasons why someone wouldn't want souls to be reincarnated, most of which we probably can't even fathom. I don't think this is centered on you. I'm not sure why, but that isn't the feeling I get."

"You think an angel was targeting the souls themselves?" Kushiel questioned, perplexed. It wasn't that he doubted Cass, it was just that he couldn't fathom anyone not wanting to see souls redeemed.

"That is where the other problem lies," Cass stated. "You assume it's an angel. But it couldn't be an angel, could it?" Cass asked.

Kushiel blinked at Cass. "It makes sense that it's an angel. They would be the ones with an issue with me. Or, if it is about the souls, perhaps they don't feel the souls are worthy of leaving hell."

"Yes, but that's just it," Cass reasoned. "They were in hell. As far as we know, you are the only angel who can enter hell. An angel couldn't have taken the souls from Erebus, because they couldn't have gone to Erebus at all."

Kushiel was shocked, and the pain of betrayal hit him. "It was a demon who took the souls," he realized. He had thought of the demons as his brethren for so long, but Cass's logic was undeniable.

Cass nodded. "Yes. We aren't looking for a rogue angel. We're looking for a rogue demon."