Chapter Four

Jake

I t had gotten dark so early that I couldn’t believe it was barely eight p.m. It didn’t help that I felt like I’d been up for days at an epic kegger—something I hadn’t done for a decade. As I held Cora against my shoulder, encouraging a burp, my eyes were gritty and a dull headache throbbed. Fatherhood was a lot like being hungover.

Driving for days hadn’t helped. And here I was, painfully—excruciatingly—close to our destination. Close, but so very far. I patted Cora’s back as I paced the kitchen corner in Cam’s warm socks.

Cam had settled into his rocker again, reading a book with Toby at his feet. Or at least pretending to read to avoid making small talk with me. He hadn’t turned many pages.

As if proving me wrong, Cam asked, “Is she sleeping through the night yet?”

I laughed slightly hysterically. “I wish. She’s getting better, though. For the first few months, she ate, and then she had to burp, which can take a while. She’d sleep for a couple of hours, and then it was time to heat up her bottle so she could eat again. And burp and poop, and sleep and eat and burp and poop.”

“Jesus.” He watched us with a furrowed brow. “That sounds exhausting.”

“You could say that.” I patted her back. “She’s going for longer stretches now. It’ll be amazing once she can get through the whole night. Some babies can at her age, but it just depends.”

“And you’ve been doing all the driving coming out here?”

“Yeah, Cora’s license got suspended. She’s a speed demon.”

For an amazing moment, Cam’s lips quirked at my weak joke. “Why didn’t you fly?” The question was barely out when Cam grimaced.

“It’s okay,” I automatically replied. It was, though. After the shit I’d pulled on Cam, I wouldn’t expect him to have too much sympathy for me. “It’s not that I’m afraid to fly. Not really. Intellectually, I know it’s the safest way to travel. But I guess when your parents and three hundred other people plummet into the Pacific, it gives you pause.” I tried to laugh it off.

Cam was looking at me with—yes, that was sympathy. I was pathetically grateful for it.

He said, “Especially with the baby.”

My heart skipped. I hadn’t even really put it into words, not even in my mind. But the thought of bringing Cora on board a plane and taking her up thousands of feet into the sky had been unbearable . I ran my hand over her wispy hair.

“Yeah,” I managed, weirdly shaken.

“What?” Cam asked warily.

“Nothing.” I gulped my second mug of coffee, which was lukewarm now and would only make me more jittery. I didn’t say out loud that it was frightening to realize again how much I loved Cora. It was this instinctual, primal force inside me that I still wasn’t used to.

I added, “Besides, we had to bring all her stuff. And as much of mine that I could squeeze in.”

The plane crash had happened in my second year of university when I was barely twenty. It had left a hollow ache of grief that I’d learned to live with. Cora had softened its sharp edges more than I could have imagined. I would have done anything for my parents to meet her.

Cora finally burped. Swaying gently, I kissed her soft, perfect head and told her she was a good girl.

“Here,” Cam said, standing. “Sit and rock her. Babies like that, right?”

“Yeah, but we’re fine.”

“Just sit. I’ve got stuff to do.” He opened the small closet by the front door and rooted around. Tail wagging, Toby joined him.

Honestly, I was so tired that I barely resisted a moan as I sank onto the chair. The wood was almost soft, and I relaxed gratefully, stretching my legs out, the hearthstone warm under my feet.

The wind howled outside, and I swallowed hard, trying again to forgive myself for that shortcut. I’d made plenty of mistakes, but that one could have been fatal. Cora depended on me for literally everything. How could I have been so stupid? So—

“Why do you have so much stuff with you?” Cam asked, his voice muffled by the closet, which he was apparently rearranging. “Seems like a lot for Christmas with your family.”

“I don’t really have family. I mean, my uncle’s letting us stay in the basement unit of—” I had to stop and correct myself mentally before finishing, “—his rental property in town. I work remotely, so once my parental leave is over, it won’t make a difference where I am. Rent in Toronto is just too much.”

I waited for him to ask what I did for a living, but he didn’t. Finally, I said, “I’m a customer success manager at a software company. Basically, glorified tech support for corporate clients. Solving their issues and keeping them happy.”

Cam’s response was a grunt. Then he said, “If your uncle’s giving you a free place to live, that sounds like family.”

“Oh, it’s not free, but he’s not charging the Airbnb rate, at least. There are barely any vacancies in Toronto, and the condo I was in wasn’t rent controlled. The landlord tripled the price, and there’s just no way. At least we can stay in Lonely Creek until I figure out where to go. But we’re not close. Me and my uncle, I mean. Cora and I are an obligation to him and his wife.”

In the silence, I added, “Still, I’m grateful.” It sounded as hollow as it felt.

Toby wandered back, and as Cora fell asleep on my chest, I scratched Toby’s head and rocked. Cam rooted around in the closet. My eyes grew heavy…

“Why come back here?”

I bolted awake at Cam’s question. He was on his hands and knees in front of the closet, rearranging his shoes, which included three pairs of cowboy boots that all looked the same to me. Denim stretched over his meaty ass, and I marveled again that this was skinny little Cam.

While I’d realized in my second year of university that I appreciated male bodies just as much as female—or any gender—this was one man that I most definitely was not allowed to ogle. He’d taken us in, and it was beyond inappropriate. Aside from the fact that he hated me.

Though he seemed undeniably curious, which I took as a positive sign. I answered, “I guess it seems weird, huh? I had to move, and I dunno. I was searching apartment listings all over the country, but I kept thinking about home. Even though it’s not really. My parents are gone, and like I said, I’m not close to my uncle and his family. I wanted to come back, though. I think it’s the mountains.”

I laughed too loudly at my own ridiculousness, and Cora whined and blinked. I nuzzled her head. “Shh. It’s okay.” She settled, and I exhaled. “Silly, right?” I whispered to Cam.

After a few moments of silence, he simply said, “No.”

The chair creaked as I rocked slowly. “The air’s so fresh here, you know? I figured it would be a good place to regroup. If I’m going to move us somewhere totally new, I need to research. Housing costs are up everywhere. Inflation is out of control. Now that I’m responsible for her, the stakes are so much higher. I don’t want to screw up again. In the meantime… It felt right to bring her here.”

After more silence, Cam asked, “What about her mother?”

I’d been waiting for this question and braced myself for a judgy reaction. “She’s not in the picture.”

People usually had a million nosy follow-up questions that hurt like hell— heck to answer, but Cam only said, “Okay,” and I could have kissed him.

Whoa.

Where had that thought come from? I really was sleep deprived. I wasn’t kissing anyone, let alone Cam Walsh. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d jerked off. I was too freaking tired. My life was dirty diapers and spit-up and formula. Not exactly sexy.

Shame filled me with a wave of nausea. Cora was the only thing that mattered. I shouldn’t have been thinking about myself for even a second. I was irrelevant. The only thing that mattered was my baby. I was the only parent Cora had.

Resentment joined the guilt party as I wondered what Anna was doing now. Going out to dinner? Having cocktails with her friends at happy hour?

Then, warm and perfect against me, Cora made one of her adorable old-man grunts.

Everything else melted away.

Anna had made her choice, and I’d made mine. Cora was the best thing that had ever happened to me, and I didn’t need Anna’s help. I didn’t need anyone’s help.

Well, aside from my uncle’s. My company topped up my salary to eighty percent during parental leave, but that missing twenty really left a dent. I’d bought the used Ford since we’d need a car in Lonely Creek, and look where that had gotten us.

I watched Cam polish his boots, buffing the leather with a stained rag. There were worse places to be.

After a few minutes of peaceful rocking, my curiosity won out. “What’s the deal with the yaks?” I had many more questions, but I figured that was neutral enough.

Eyes on his boots, working the leather rhythmically, Cam said, “They come from the Himalayas.”

Not really what I’d been asking, but I said, “Right. Do people eat them?”

“Yes. Organic lean meat that’s juicy and high in Omega-3. Demand’s growing every year. They’re easier than cattle. Eat less, and they usually calve without issues.”

“Cool.” I closed my eyes. “Are they hard to handle?”

Warm with Cora against me and the fire sizzling nearby, I listened as Cam said something about…something…

Waking with a jolt of adrenaline, I immediately checked for Cora, who was fast asleep on my chest. I blinked at our surroundings, scanning for threats. The fire crackled beyond my feet in the dimness, the overhead light now off and a softer lamp glowing from somewhere behind me.

I couldn’t see Cam, but I could hear him breathing. Presumably on the bed. Was he asleep?

I’d slept so deeply and suddenly that I’d barely even registered drifting off. I had no idea what time it was. If I sat forward or leaned to the side to glance behind me, I might wake Cora.

I softly cleared my dry throat, wishing I had thought to grab my water bottle. It was a rookie mistake to get settled with her and not have everything I might need within reach. And now my ankle was itchy. I slowly drew in my leg and strained to reach.

Behind me, Cam sighed. “Do you need something?” he asked quietly.

“Actually, water would be amazing.”

The bed creaked as he got up. On the hearth, Toby lifted his head, then immediately went back to sleep. Cam still wore the plaid shirt and jeans, and I was disappointed not to see him in his PJs, which was ludicrous. For all I knew, he slept naked, which—

Which was not an avenue of thought I needed to pursue.

Cam passed me a cool glass of water, our fingers brushing before he let go. His skin was rough, undoubtedly from all the manual labor, and his hands were enormous.

Again, not what I needed to think about.

“Thanks,” I whispered before gulping gratefully.

I realized it was the first time someone had been there to help me since I’d brought Cora home from the hospital. Just having Cam give me a glass of water felt monumental, and my throat clogged with sudden emotion.

Sh— shoot , I couldn’t start crying . Even if I felt like a bag of ragged nerves barely held together with spit and duct tape, I had to get a grip.

“What time is it?” I asked too hoarsely.

Looming over us, Cam checked his watch, which was sturdy with lots of little knobs and was probably waterproof. “Twenty fifty-three.”

Must have been a ranching thing to use the twenty-four-hour clock. “Oh. It felt like I was out for a while.” It had only been twenty minutes at most. “Sorry, are we keeping you up? We can… Uh, I guess there’s nowhere to get out of your hair.”

Grunting, Cora woke and stretched. I held my breath, standing on the familiar precipice, praying she’d slip back under…

Not this time.

As she fussed, squirming and squawking, I pushed to my feet, ready to begin the cycle again. There was a thin mattress on the floor in the space between the bed and the dresser with a blanket and pillow on top. Toby rubbed against my leg, and ugh, my ankle was still itchy.

“Is that for us? Thank you so much,” I said. “I’ll get her settled soon, I promise.”

“I’ll sleep on the bedroll.”

While trying to soothe Cora, I shook my head. “You don’t want me in your bed.” Heat flushed my face as Cam watched me with an unreadable expression.

“I’m not letting the baby sleep on the goddamn floor.”

“We’ll be great, honestly! Cora has her makeshift cradle. Her manger.”

“I’m taking the floor.”

I wanted to argue again, but Cam seemed immovable.

An hour later, my eyes were heavy and my hands clumsy as I knelt on the bed and settled Cora in the drawer on the mattress next to the wall. I murmured to her as she fidgeted.

“Is it cool if I turn on my white noise app?” I asked Cam. “It helps her sleep.”

“Fine.”

I turned to find Cam in the bathroom door. He’d changed into flannel pajama bottoms and a white T-shirt that clung to his muscles. He still wore the green socks. The pajamas rode low on his hips, and I could see a sliver of flesh when he lifted one strong arm to flick off the bathroom light.

“Thanks!” I grabbed my phone and jabbed at the app, turning on the steady, soothing hum of the air conditioner option. I automatically checked my messages and email before remembering the lack of signal or Wi-Fi.

I realized Cam was still standing there watching. I asked, “Um, are you sure it’s okay?”

“Huh? Yeah.” He turned to the fire, then faced me with a huff of irritation. “What are you wearing to bed?”

It was on the tip of my tongue that I slept naked, but thankfully, I bit that back. “I can sleep in my clothes.”

Muttering under his breath, Cam stalked to the dresser against the wall and yanked out a bundle of material before tossing it at me. I barely managed to catch it.

Wow, my hand-eye coordination was at an all-time low. My old baseball coach would have benched me in a heartbeat. Granted, I hadn’t been this sleep deprived back in school.

“Thanks,” I said, unfurling the soft flannel…onesie? I blinked at it. “Is that…Rudolph?”

Cam sighed heavily. “Yes. Pretty sure Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and whoever-the-hell are there too. It was a gift from Mrs. Pinter.”

“Vixen.”

His spine stiffened as his brow creased and tone sharpened. “Excuse me?”

“Huh?” I blinked back at him in confusion.

“What did you say about Mrs. Pinter?”

A laugh bubbled up. “No, the reindeer. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen . Then Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen. I’m sure Mrs. Pinter is a lovely woman. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a vixen.” I yawned widely. What was I even saying? “Thanks for this.” I held up the pajamas before unzipping my fly and tugging down my jeans.

Cam was suddenly by the fire, yanking open the door and shoving in another log in a shower of sparks.

I hesitated. Should I change in the bathroom? Was that weird? Would Cam take it as some sort of insult—like I was afraid to be naked in front of him because he was gay?

Was he gay? I honestly wasn’t sure, and…

What was I thinking about? Changing. I needed to change. I paused. “Would it be okay for me to take a shower? Cora’s sleeping.”

Cam didn’t answer.

Had he not heard me? Shit— shoot —had I not asked out loud? My eyes were so heavy. “Sorry. If that’s weird, it’s totally fine,” I said.

Facing the fire, still prodding it with a poker, Cam muttered, “It’s not weird. Go ahead. Grab a towel from the bottom drawer.”

“Thanks, man.”

Under the glorious spray of hot water, all I could do was stand there and revel. For once, I didn’t have to worry about Cora. Not that I was going to take hours, but I could enjoy a minute of peace.

After my minute was up, I washed quickly, hoping Cam didn’t mind me borrowing his Costco shampoo and body wash. A white puff hung from the shower head, but obviously I didn’t use it.

Stepping out of the shower, I shivered and grabbed the spare towel. The bathroom mirror was fogged, but the air still felt chilly. I rubbed myself dry and stepped into the onesie, zipping up the warm material. It was too big on me, but the flannel was cozy and soft on my skin.

Wait, should I have kept on my underwear? Was it weird to raw dog in Cam’s pajamas? Shoulders tensing, I weighed the decision. I told myself it wasn’t important, yet in that moment, it felt monumental.

My eyes burned, and I vowed I would not cry over pajamas . After a minute of deep breathing, I beat back the anxiety.

It was fine. Cam would wash the pajamas once Cora and I were gone, and—

Without warning, a wave of loneliness crashed over me. Standing in Cam’s bathroom in borrowed Christmas pajamas, I never wanted to leave.

I hadn’t talked to any of my high school friends in years aside from the odd like or comment on social media. My university and work friends in Toronto didn’t have kids yet, and I’d hardly seen anyone aside from a few perfunctory visits they’d made. My closest friends in recent years had been from Anna’s circle, so they’d disappeared along with her.

It was fine. I had Cora, and I didn’t need anyone else.

I crept out of the bathroom and tiptoed to the bed. In her makeshift cradle, Cora was fast asleep. I exhaled slowly.

Cam had the stove door open—still? Again?—and he crouched on the hearth and shoved another log inside. He was the first person I’d spent more than a few hours with since Cora’s birth, not counting the NICU nurses. I watched him stoke the fire, so capable and strong, my loneliness receding.

Quickly followed by guilt that I’d be lonely at all when I had Cora. She couldn’t talk, though. It felt good to be around another adult. Not that Cam was much of a conversationalist. Still, he could speak in words and sentences. Toby wandered over and licked my hand, tail wagging joyfully as I petted him.

“Turn off the light when you’re ready,” Cam said, nodding to the small reading lamp attached to the wall by the headboard. There was a small drawer built in under the lamp.

“Yep!” I answered far too cheerily.

Climbing under Cam’s duvet wearing his Christmas pajamas felt incredibly intimate. He settled on the bedroll beyond my feet while Toby snuggled beside him. Cam spread his big hand over Toby’s flank, petting him slowly. I tore my gaze back to Cora, who grunted in her sleep. I kissed one of her perfect hands before flipping off the lamp.

The fire lit the room just enough that I wasn’t in blackness. The wind howled fiercely, and I prayed the odd rattles of the window wouldn’t wake Cora. I curled on my side, listening to her burbles beyond the drone of the white noise. Hopefully, I could get a few hours before she woke…

It was still dark when I opened my eyes again. I reached gently into the cradle—and panic exploded as I bolted up, tumbling out of bed to my feet, spinning around, my bleary eyes searching the unfamiliar shadows. I nearly tripped over Toby, who was instantly alert, barking once.

His deep voice somehow still commanding, Cam whispered, “Toby, shh!” from the rocking chair.

Where he cradled Cora in his huge arms.