Chapter 14

IT WAS FRIDAY NIGHT and everything around Hailey was shaped like a penis.

“Where the hell did you find a penis-shaped purse?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Bridget quipped, attaching her mouth back to her penis-shaped straw.

“Well, yes, that’s the point of asking a question, silly.”

Bridget simply stuck her tongue out at Hailey before saying, “It’s my bach party, bitches! Let’s do shots!”

“Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Everybody!” Hailey shouted. Then she wondered what the hell happened to that music group.

“Yes! This is the girl I’ve been missing! Welcome back to the world, Hailey!”

Hailey toasted her shot glass toward Bridget before knocking it back.

“Holy shit, that burns! What the hell was it?

“Straight vodka!”

“Dammit, Bridge. I thought I told you I only liked gay vodka.”

Bridget shook her head, laughing at Hailey. “You’re such a goof.”

“You know it. Can we go dance now?”

“Hell yes! Let’s go!”

The bridal party was in a nightclub just outside of town and the bass was pumping through Hailey’s brain. It was dark with tables and a long bar surrounding the dance floor. You had to walk down a couple of steps to get to it, which Hailey thought was just asking for trouble with a bunch of drunks running around.

As they reached the dance floor, the strobe lights started to flash while the DJ blasted a loud “WAH, WAH, WAH” airhorn sound before blowing fog over them. Everyone on the floor cheered and then went back to dancing.

Hailey and Bridget joined the three other bridal party members just in time for Ke$ha to drown out everyone’s voices.

“Yes! This is my jam!” Hailey shouted before letting loose. She loved to dance and would get lost in the music, waiting for the elusive beat to drop.

She whipped her hair back and forth and shook her ass like no one was watching, a pleasant buzz going in her head.

After what felt like a workout, the girls returned to their VIP booth in the back of the club. They flagged down their waitress to ask for another round of shots and more drinks to chase them with. Hailey was craving a Dirty Shirley. She didn’t drive so she was trying to drink enough to forget about everything else going on in her life. It was mostly working.

Sure, alcohol wasn’t the best treatment for her depression, but the dance floor was like a stimulant for Hailey so it evened out. At least, that’s what she would tell Marley.

The waitress returned with a round of lemon drop shots and the rest of the girls’ drinks.

“Raise your shot glasses, ladies!” Hailey shouted and, around her, arms raised their own shots. “Bridge, you’re getting married to the best guy ever and I love you so much and you’re the prettiest person I’ve ever seen in my life and I hope you’re happy for the rest of your life and you’re the best ever! To Bridget!”

Run-on sentences were one of the side effects of drinking Hailey displayed. Could be worse.

Around the mini table where they were sitting, everyone whooped before downing their shots. They were all sweating from dancing so hard so they were taking a long drink break. By the time Hailey got to the bottom of her Dirty Shirley, she was way more than buzzed.

She slurped the last of her drink through her penis straw and then shouted, “This penis is so much better to me than Gage’s!”

“Oh geez, is he that bad?” Emily, a cute redhead with freckles and legs for days, balked. She was Bridget’s college roommate in from North Jersey for the occasion.

“He’s not bad, he just doesn’t make me feel good anymore. Sex used to be so good in the beginning but now I can’t even stay wet for him. What does that tell you?”

Filters no longer existed. That was another side effect.

“It tells me it’s time to move the fuck on,” Bridget slurred.

“I should text him a picture of this penis straw. It’ll be like sending my own dick pic. We never get to send the dick pics!”

“Yes!” the ladies chorused.

Hailey pulled out her phone and took a closeup picture of her straw and another of the penis-shaped hat on her own head. She was practically bouncing in her seat at the idea of sending Gage these pictures.

HAILEY:How are these for dick pics, babe? Aren’t they huge?

After sending the text, Hailey fell into a fit of giggles before wrapping an arm around Lily, Bridget’s cousin, on her right.

“Okay, Lily I sent the dick pics, now will you be my new boyfriend?”

“Oh my gosh, Hailey! I’d be so honored!” Lily was giggling along with Hailey while holding her own empty glass. Thank goodness the girls splurged on a limo for tonight because none of them were driving. After the club, they were having a sleepover at Emily’s house with late-night pizza to soak up the alcohol. It was a stellar plan.

“Bridge, did you hear that? Lily is my new boyfriend. Now I can be happy.”

Bridget turned to Hailey with a semi-serious look. She was drunk, but not nearly as far gone as Hailey.

“All I want is for you to be happy, Hailey,” Bridget decided to press her luck while Hailey’s inhibitions were down. “Instead of Lily, since, ya know, she’s already married, why don’t you make Avery your new boyfriend?” Bridget punctuated her statement by wagging her eyebrows excessively.

“Avery from soccer? My friend Avery? The one with the hair and the eyes?”

“Yes, Hailey, the only guy you know with hair and eyes.”

“Oh my goodness, you’re so right. Avery is perfect for me and I’ve loved him since high school. He’s so nice and pretty.”

“Can you say that again while I record you so I can play it back for you tomorrow when you’re not drunk anymore?”

“Yes! Do it!”

Bridget pulled out her phone and Hailey repeated herself, only slurring a little bit. Bridget gave a nod when she was done recording and then reached out for a high five, which Hailey promptly slapped with her hand.

“You guys, you guys, you guys,” Hailey shouted at the top of her lungs because she was so excited. “I should send Avery the dick pic! Gage hasn’t even responded!”

Bridget put on a big shit-eating grin before encouraging Hailey to do it, but she made her promise to show them the text first so she didn’t say anything too bad. “Teamwork makes the dream work,” Hailey quipped.

She pulled up her text thread with Avery and attached the pictures with a bit of text.

HAILEY:Ever have a girl send you a dick pic? IT IS TIME!

She put her phone on the table so the girls could approve it. They all seemed to agree it was the best text they’d ever read in their lives thanks to the alcohol buzzing through their systems, so Hailey hit send.

After pocketing her cellphone (she was so happy this skirt came with a pocket) she jumped up and said, “Let’s go dance again! My best friend is getting married! Bridget, that’s you and I love you!”

The bridal party made its way back to the dance floor, a bit wobblier than they were on their last trip there. But, the dancing would help them sweat off some of that alcohol, in theory.

She was enjoying herself more than she had in a long time. With the girls, she felt like she could be her goofy self and let loose. And all it took was a bachelorette party and a ton of alcohol. Totally healthy. Gage never let her get so excited around him or his friends. The last time she got wasted around his friends at a bar, she acted about the same as she was acting that night. Gage hated it. When they got in the car to go home, Gage grilled her, asking her why she acted so crazy and unlike herself. She asked him, “What if this is my real self?” To which he replied, “I hope not.”

That memory bounced into Hailey’s brain in the middle of her rocking out to Beyonce. She batted it away and tried to focus on having a good time.

The girls were having a blast, and Hailey couldn’t remember the last time she had a blast like this.

After what Bridget said must have been three hours on the dance floor (more like four songs), the group returned to their table and filled their glasses with water from the pitcher the waitress left them. Maybe rehydrating was a good idea at this point.

After chugging an entire glass of water, Hailey remembered her texts from earlier and pulled out her phone. Her message from Gage was left on read, but Avery sent a picture. She squealed with delight while opening it. It was a picture of a jug of milk next to a jug of orange juice in a refrigerator with the caption, “Thanks for the dick pic! Here’s a pic of my jugs ;)”

“You guys!” Hailey grabbed the attention of the girls at her table and the two tables next to them thanks to her volume. “Look what he sent me back!”

She laid her phone on the table so everyone could see.

Bridget clapped her hands before she grabbed Hailey by the shoulders and said, “Look how much more fun he is! Gage didn’t even respond to you!”

“You should totally text him again,” Emily nodded and gave Hailey a supportive smile.

“You’re right! What should I say?”

They were all quiet for a moment, having trouble coming up with responses that were as good.

“Oh! I’ll send him a selfie of me drinking with the penis straw. That’s fun, right?”

Before anyone could respond, Hailey was opening her camera app and posing with her mouth around her straw. She placed the phone on the table to get the group’s opinion. Lily’s face brightened and Hailey could almost see the light bulb flash over her head, or maybe that was just the strobe light.

“I know! Send him that picture but say, ‘Your dick is probably better than the pic I sent but I can’t compete with those jugs.’”

The girls all looked at each other as Hailey typed, eyes jumping to each of them one at a time until Emily added, “How about you change it to just ‘yours’ instead of ‘your dick.’ Little less graphic but still gets the message across. You don’t want to scare him off!”

Emily’s brain seemed to be braining pretty well on alcohol.

“Okay, okay, I’m on it,” Hailey said, making the correction and rereading it six times to make sure it was spelled correctly. She may be drunk, but she was not about to send a spelling error. After a good minute of staring at the message, she said “Here goes nothing,” before hitting the arrow.

“You guys, I did it! Aren’t you proud of me?” Hailey asked before getting cheers and seeing those three dots flashing on her screen. She let out a short squeal when his text came through.

AVERY:I think you manage just fine. You look like you’re having a good time! Where are you?

Hailey didn’t consult the group before texting him back. This was an easy one. But she didn’t quite make sense of his comment. What was she managing? Dancing?

HAILEY:At Bridge’s bach party! We’re at the club Fat Cat and everything is shaped like a penis. I’m having a great time! Except I lost my chapstick. Boo.

AVERY:Not the chapstick! Otherwise it sounds like fun. Have a shot for me!

HAILEY:I don’t know if I should, I think I’ve had 17 already.

“Hailey, what’s going on over there?” Bridget said, giving her the side-eye.

“He’s talking to me!” Her phone buzzed again in her hand, drawing back her attention.

AVERY: 17, huh? Well, that explains the dick pics. Are you going to get home okay? I’m not too far if you need a ride home.

Hailey considered it for a minute but remembered the limo. She also didn’t want to ditch her bestie at her bach party.

HAILEY:Aww, that’s really sweet but we rented a limo to bring us around town tonight. Livin’ large!

AVERY:Good plan. Maybe next time. Get out on that dance floor!

HAILEY:Oh you’re right. Why aren’t I there right now?

AVERY:Ha! I don’t know, but only one way to fix it. Good luck with all the penises!

HAILEY:There are a lot. I’m going to dream about being attacked by giant penises tonight.

Avery managed to find a gif of a penis monster. Who made these things?

HAILEY:Ahh! Save me! I’m too young to die by penis!

AVERY:LMAO I’ll protect you

HAILEY:My hero! Okay I’m going to go dance. You’re the best. Byeeeeee

AVERY:I have a feeling my dreams will be just as crazy tonight. Later! ;)

“Ah! You guys let’s go dance because Avery said it was a good idea,” Hailey said, looking around at the girls.

“Well, as long as Avery said so. You’re going to show me that conversation later by the way,” Bridget said.

“I’ll show you after we dance!”

With that, the girls headed back to the dance floor after getting rehydrated a bit. The limo was scheduled to pick them up in a half hour so it’s a good thing they all switched to water. They used up that last half hour on the dance floor and made their way downstairs to the main bar before exiting to find their limo waiting for them.

The penis hats were either gone or ripped. At one point, a guy tried dancing up on Bridget so she turned around, took off her hat and said, “Touch me again and I’ll do this to your dick.” She ripped it in half while giving the guy a death stare. No one bothered them the rest of the night. Bridget always knew how to take care of a situation. It was enough of a distraction that the girls forgot all about those text messages.