CHAPTER 8

Isat in the carriage with nothing to do but mull over everything I had learned. And I was fucking pissed. The feeling of betrayal spread so thoroughly through my body that I didn't know how to rationalise what I had been told. I was a walking ball of rage. And sorrow. And heartache. Even after travelling for the last three hours. The rage still boiled the same and my thoughts kept recycling through everything I'd heard.

I hadn't said much to mum after she finished her story. My brain was in too much shock to process it, let alone react or question it further. But as I sat in the train, I realised there was so much unsaid between us.

It was hard to know who to be angry at first. Did mum have first dibs? Could she have prevented a whole lot of hurt if she had just told us everything from the start? Possibly.

I should have ripped into her. Yelled at her for being so deceiving—for leaving us in the dark. I shouldn't have let her tell her story without any repercussions. Shouldn't have let her get off so easy. How could she lie to us for so long? How could our whole life be a lie?

But then on the other hand, I had been lying to her about knowing wolf shifters existed too. At the very least, I had withheld the truth about my life. So I guess I was just as bad as her; like mother, like daughter.

I just couldn't fathom how she could know so much and not ever think to enlighten us, especially if she had even an inkling that River was a wolf. And at the very least, she could have told us wolf shifters existed and were likely residing in Saint Claire—not that I had warned my sister either. But wouldn't that have protected us? Wouldn't that have altered the course of this whole situation?

I wondered if that would have somehow saved Amelia's life … but maybe that was too big to put on her. I'm sure fate had some fucked up say in this.

And River. Was being angry at him even plausible? It's not like he would have ever come clean about any of it. No one would willingly tell someone that they're a psychopathic supernatural killer, right? It was unbelievable that he even shared his secret of being a wolf in the first place.

It still didn't sit right with me though. Why he'd shared some of himself with me, but not all of it. But maybe somehow that was part of his plan.

Still, he fully had me wrapped around his finger, buying his whole ‘nice guy' act; hook, line and sinker. I was so engrossed in it that whether or not it was real, it was my reality. I wondered how many people he may have hurt, if not killed, in the past? While I waited in his house—his bedroom—for him to come home and pretend like everything was perfect and we were a sane, normal, couple.

I couldn't make sense of why mum even somewhat trusted a possible wolf with her daughter after all she had told me—after their attacks. Xari hadn't been up to speed on the subject of River and the happenings of Saint Claire, with all her responsibilities elsewhere in the Knights, so she at least had an excuse. But mum? Why would she just let us be?

Was it because of my dad? It was the only somewhat logical explanation.

My dad the wolf.

That clearly meant not all wolves were bad. Which meant River did deserve a chance to be trusted. I think. Or at least that may have been how mum rationalised it—she obviously loved a wolf. So maybe I wasn't completely stupid for falling for him and letting my guard down. Not that I'd ever trust him again. He had his chance and he proved us all wrong. Innocent until proven guilty, right? Well he was as guilty as it gets.

Was my dad just truly one of a kind? Did him not having a pack have anything to do with it? Maybe he left with mum for that very reason; he knew wolves were predators not to be trusted and he refused to be like that. Maybe it was engrained into who they were and how they were wired.

It was all just too much.

Everything they thought I needed to know was divulged to me in one sitting. My whole life had been turned upside down in less than forty-eight hours.

An absolute shit show.

I still had so many questions. But at this point, I wouldn"t get any more answers.

The only person who had no guilt in any of this was Celeste. And I had left her there to deal with it alone.

She was stronger than me though. She'd be able to handle it, while making sure mum and aunt Xari got an earful. I hoped she'd forgive me for leaving, hoped she'd understand why I had to.

I dozed off in my thoughts, dreaming of a beautiful pine forest drenched in golden sunshine that illuminated the leaves. I dreamt of running through the trees on a majestic wolf's back, my fingers gripping his fur as the wind kissed my cheeks. We ducked through branches and leaped over rocks until we neared an untouched clearing full of swaying wildflowers. As I watched the sun glisten gold, I failed to notice my wolf coming to an abrupt stop, sending me flying forward and tumbling into the field. Before I knew it, the amber coloured eyes prowled towards me and his expression changed to that of a predator; teeth bared, gaze locked. He was unrecognisable. And in that moment, terror spread through my heart. I crawled backwards and the wolf advanced. A deep, feral growl sounded from deep in his chest. And then he pounced.

I physically jumped as the wolf made contact, causing the other passengers on the train to look at me in confusion. I prayed I didn't scream out loud, but by the looks I was getting, it was clear I definitely wasn't silent.

"Sorry." I nodded to a nearby mother with a baby. She ignored me and looked away like she might catch something just by looking at me.

Got to love New Yorkers.

I clutched my bag tighter to my chest. My heart was still racing as I watched the landscape change through the window. The last of the trees and nature disappearing. From green to grey.

Hello New York City and my new life.

I just hoped I'd find what I was looking for in the city. Hoped the grey would somehow signify something good and not bring anymore misery. My heart just couldn't take it.

The wolf that I'd loved was no longer my safe place. Everything I knew was a lie. And I'd have to make a new reality for myself. Or at least completely reshape the one I thought I knew.